If you’d told me five years ago that I’d have a blog, I probably would have believed you. After all, I’ve always loved writing and seem to have an endless supply of things to talk about. But if you’d also told me that Laura Vanderkam would be a guest on that blog, I would have asked if you’d recently seen pigs flying by.
For those who’ve wondered why I started blogging in the first place, here’s the short answer: I had things to say! The long answer, though, is tied to a book. Back when Laura was collecting data for Tranquility by Tuesday, I signed up to be part of her study. Each week, we were asked to try one of her nine strategies for “calming the chaos and making time for what matters.” One of her tips stood out: Three times a week is a habit. That was the permission I didn’t know I’d been waiting for. I’d always imagined that blogging meant daily posts or nothing at all — but suddenly, three times a week was a habit?!
In 2021, I launched my blog. And then in 2023, I launched another one (not exactly in the plan, but sometimes you pivot).
And now? Laura is back! Again! Yup, she’s been a guest before, but this time she’s here to chat about something more specific — gratitude.
As a friendly reminder, here are my previous “Gratitude Guests”:
Q. Would you consider yourself an optimist, a pessimist, or a realist?
I would say that I’m a fundamentally optimistic person — I believe that it is often within my power to make good things happen in my life and in other people’s lives — but when it comes to scheduling, I’m a pessimist. I assume things will go wrong. This is why I often have multiple layers of childcare for high-stakes situations, I build in buffers for any bigger projects, and I’m constantly thinking through back-up plans. Maybe I won’t have to use them, but it’s nice to have them. Maybe this makes me a realist? [How about a cautiously optimistic realist?]
Q. You have five kids – do you think gratitude is something that can be learned, or is it more of an inherent trait?
I think people are who they are, and some folks are wired to be more critical or negative than others. That said, anyone can learn to be self-aware, and learn social skills, and can learn that even if you want something changed, it often helps to express thanks for something that is working first. I have tried to explain to some of my children that if your parents inform you that they have just booked a family trip somewhere you have been asking to go, the first words out of your mouth should not be “I’m not sitting in the middle seat on the plane.” It’s just not very motivational! [I’ve heard that exact sentence from my own kids too — it never lands well.]
Q. Do you have any daily or weekly gratitude practices? If so, please describe!
I have been tracking my time on weekly spreadsheets for 10 years now (really) and every Monday before I archive the previous week’s log, I take a minute to look it over. This practice started for accountability (do I like how I’m spending my time?) but over time it has evolved to a moment of appreciation for the good things that happened in the previous week. It’s not much time, but it’s nice, and it also has a practical benefit. When I see what I liked the previous week, maybe I can make that happen in upcoming weeks. [A great reminder we don’t always need to reinvent the wheel! If we find something we enjoy, why not lean into it?]
Q. How can we balance being grateful in the present while striving for change, self-improvement, and better circumstances?
I think it’s important to make use of the word “and.” A lot in life isn’t either/or. You can be grateful to have a reasonable job AND want to pursue one that pays better/is more flexible/is more interesting. You can be proud of what your body can do AND want to train to get stronger. There is no contradiction here. In general when we sense contradictions, it helps to zoom out and look at longer time periods. Perhaps you are grateful for the job you have right now and in a year you’d like to be grateful for a different job. [A great reframe!]
Q. What’s the most ridiculous or oddly specific thing you can think of being grateful for at this exact moment?
I’m actually answering these questions while on a flight to Hawaii. I’m grateful to be going to Hawaii…and traveling with the entire family, especially on a long flight, can be tough. I’m grateful that while the Newark to Honolulu flight was advertised as being 11 hours, it turned out to only be 10 hours in the air. So much in life is about expectations, so having the flight be shorter than anticipated feels like a huge win. (Note: It was still really, really long.) [I’ll answer this question too! I’m editing this blog post at lunchtime and I’m thankful that my Yeti is keeping my chai tea at the PERFECT temperature.]
Q. Is there anything you’ve learned to appreciate more as you’ve gotten older that you didn’t care about when you were younger?
It’s such a cliche that we take health and mobility for granted when we’re younger, but it’s true. Back in 2022, I started experiencing a really noticeable pain in my right leg when I’d walk any sort of distance. I was already dealing with back pain that often had me leaning sharply to the side by the end of the day, and I think something in my back was putting pressure on a nerve in my leg. It got to the point that walking down the street and waiting for one of my kids at the bus stop just hurt. This all came to a head in early 2024 when whatever was pressing on the nerve started pushing harder and this all went from a dull ache to more like “white hot poker.” I spent a week in bed, eventually being able to hobble around as the steroids I was prescribed took effect. It was a long recovery. It took months before I could bend over to empty the dishwasher. But over time, I did heal, and get stronger, and these days I can generally walk without pain. Every time I’m walking around and feeling decent, I try to remind myself to notice the absence of pain. Don’t take this for granted!
Of course I had to throw in a few fun get-to-know-her-better questions:
Q. Best money you’ve spent recently?
Since I work from home, and my house has been a long-term renovation project, contractor visits were really destroying my productivity. I wouldn’t want to start recording or do focused work during a window when they might come. So now we pay someone to come for a few hours a week to manage all projects involving the house. The other day there was a big conversation going on in the kitchen about the state of the refrigerator coils, and I was happily ensconced in my office, working on my book manuscript, and having nothing to do with it. This was money well spent. [Managing household tasks can border on a full-time job. Gold stars for finding a way to outsource this!]
Q. If you had to pivot to a completely different career tomorrow, what would you choose?
Do I know I’d get to be successful in this new career? I love performing, so potentially I’d like to transform my speeches into more of a one-woman show. Or I think I could have been a good economics professor. Management consulting sounds interesting because you work on lots of different projects, but I suspect I’d soon be asking to write the reports, or scheming to turn various research findings into a book…What can I say? I think I’m in the right job. [I don’t think I could have scripted a more “Laura Vanderkam” answer to this question.]
Q. What’s one compliment someone has given you that you’ve never forgotten?
I think we all like compliments that get at things that matter to us. So I printed up an email from someone recently noting that they’d read all my books, and they were impressed with how I still managed to say something new and different in each one. I also printed up an email from someone who listened to my podcasts and appreciated that they were succinct and didn’t seem to just be filling time. I don’t want to waste people’s time, and so I liked those compliments because they recognized that desire and affirmed that I was succeeding.
Q. Is there a “useless” piece of trivia or skill you’re secretly proud to know/possess?
Here’s some botanical knowledge: If you see a tree in the forest that’s covered with initials, that’s probably a beech tree. The smooth bark seems to invite vandalism.
It’s been fun diving further into gratitude, from big-picture wisdom to the little (occasionally quirky) things we tend to overlook. Sometimes gratitude looks like taking a moment to appreciate what’s going right. It doesn’t have to be big or elaborate, there are generally some little victories if we look for them — like a shorter-than-expected flight (always nice when you have a 5-year-old in tow), or a task well-delegated (though I suppose someone out there might enjoy discussing fridge coil maintenance).
Thanks again, Laura! I hope this conversation leaves everyone thinking about small moments we can be grateful for, even when some big things in life might feel chaotic.
Your turn.
- Any questions for Laura?
- What’s something you do three times a week that you now realize is a habit?
- What’s something small or oddly specific that you’re grateful for this very second (don’t overthink it!)?
- Have you ever had to balance gratitude with the desire for change? How did you handle it?
- What’s one compliment you’ve received that meant more than the giver probably realized?
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Heidi
Laura, I’m curious where you land in terms of family personalities. (No specifics necessary, of course.) Are your parents/siblings (if you have any)/husband generally optimistic, pessimistic, or realistic? And do you think that has influenced your own mindset over time?
I’m also interested to hear what you were like as a kid/teen! Have you always been a realist?