Okay, if it had been a hot minute since I last shared Favourite Things…it has been even longer since I took the time to ponder personal demerits and gold stars. I’m going easy on myself this month, keeping things light on the “negative” and heavy on the “positive”.
As always, I’ll start with demerits:
Demerits
- Not incorporating daily exercise into my routine. I’m giving myself a gentle tap on the wrist for this because I have been walking to school with the kids many days and I think I knew something had to give after the pressure cooker I was living in at the end of August/early September. Still, I recognize that taking 10 minutes out of my day to do a gentle stretching video or saying Yes to the afternoon family walk is good for me. I know rest is important too, so I’m trying to let my body and mind take the lead. Also, I did walk outside 365 days in 2022, so I know daily exercise is very doable for me.
- Not backing up my new website. I mean…really, Elisabeth??!!! I haven’t backed up the text yet (even though I have the appropriate plugin) or the website. My new hosting platform is supposed to do backups every day and then redundant backups to an external server once a month, but there are options for backing things up myself. Apparently, I have learned NOTHING.
- Not calling a plumber sooner. We have a leaky shower. It has been dripping for months, but until recently, if we turned the handles reaallllyyy tightly we could stop the drip. No more – the dripping faucet can fill a bucket every hour. We let it drip at this rate for over a week (using the water in the buckets to flush the toilet so at least it wasn’t completely wasted) before John was like: We can access the water shutoff for the shower; let’s just turn if completely off for now. *Facepalm/why did I not think of this sooner?!* So…we have an unusable shower and on top of that: all three of our toilets need to be looked at for various reasons and I’m pretty sure at least one should be replaced. The caulk has pulled up along one side of the bathtub surround so I assume water can now drip down into the ceiling of the basement bathroom which is already a disaster. I tried calling and left a message over a week ago with the plumber we used last year, but I waited too long to take action on these problems. Hopefully, someone can fix a lot of things in a single house call before some catastrophic leak.
- Not eating enough fruits and veggies. This is another gentle tap. After a lifetime of diets, restriction, and guilt, I am so happy to be eating “intuitively” – or, as I see it…just eating! Things have been fine – a smattering of fruits and vegetables each day – but I know I could do better. Definitely not a priority for me right now, but I’m slowly trying to incorporate more whole foods again. But lovingly…
- Sleep patterns. Ugh. So this has been better over the last week, but overall I’ve fallen into the bad habit of staying up too late to unwind. When John was away I stayed up especially LATE finishing Drowning by T. J. Newman (it’s a thriller, so admittedly not a great book to read right before bed). A few nights recently I’ve gotten 4-5 hours total of sleep and that is just…not enough.
- Impatience with the kids. Again, a gentle tap on this one. Overall, I feel like my parenting has been pretty good lately. But I find myself getting impatient more quickly than I’d like. Something to work on…forever, I suspect.
- Not getting website comment links working. When people with blogs comment on MY blog and enter their URL, it should pair with their name to create a hyperlink. I discovered on my own – sorry it took me so long – this feature is not working. So I’m going to get to the bottom of this, but it took me weeks to notice. And, after noticing, another week has gone by and I have done…nothing. Oops and sorry!
Gold Stars
I feel like I have a lot of gold stars to give this month which feels self-aggrandizing, but I tend to be my harshest critic so I’m choosing to view this as progress!!
- Going to see a therapist. Part of my progress in dealing with self-criticism is, I suspect, due to seeing a therapist. There is a double gold star wrapped up in this point because I went to see my family doctor first about some mental health challenges who recommended I see a therapist – and I actually followed the doctor’s orders! The therapy sessions have been very validating. For years – and especially after some very intense interpersonal challenges I’ve faced the last 18-24 months – I’ve felt traumatized but didn’t think I could actually label my experiences as trauma. I was never physically abused, and emotional and psychological abuse don’t count on the same level, I told myself. Especially since this abuse was from strangers, not family. I felt I didn’t have a right to feel so burdened since I had such a wonderful, safe support network behind me. But I have experienced trauma and I’m working through those experiences and feeling…better.
- Taking vitamins and supplements daily. Long-time readers know I have given myself a demerit on this point multiple times. For now at least – knock on wood – I have the problem solved. I started using a daily pill divider; yes it makes me feel like a little old lady, but that’s just fine if it means I actually take my iron daily! I also was trying to do things “perfectly”. For example, iron is most effective if you don’t take it with dairy and you do take it with a form of Vitamin C. So if I had yogurt with breakfast I’d think: I need to wait to take my iron. If I didn’t have orange juice in the fridge I’d think: I should wait until I have OJ to take with my iron supplement. Or, I shouldn’t take Vitamin D at the same time as I take my iron because the absorption won’t be as good. I had to drown out the longing for a perfect system with the need to just get those pills into my body. GOLD STAR. (But a demerit that it took such an embarrassingly long time to reach this point of finding a system that actually works.) The other thing I’ve done: set a daily recurrent alarm for early afternoon in case I forgot to take my pills first thing in the morning. I rarely need the reminder (because I keep the pill divider in front of my coffee/tea supplies which I use first thing in the morning) but gold star for putting a fall-back plan in place!
- Coffee dates. I have been extra social lately. One of the side effects of the tough interpersonal stuff happening has been retreating from social events. This made sense given the nature of the challenges, but I realized I need to – MUST – focus on the good and the positive, affirming relationships in my life. So I’ve been social. Coffee dates every week with new and old friends. It takes a lot of time, but it also brings more confidence in how I process some ongoing stressors.
- My solo retreat. Gold stars to John for encouraging me and so capably holding down the fort at home. Gold stars to my parents for hosting me and making it such a welcoming, restorative environment. And gold stars to me for saying: I need to get away for a while. And actually making that happen.
- Re-launching this blog. It felt like a Herculean task to start over. It wasn’t and everything came together quickly, but there were moments of utter despair where I said: This is a sign. I had a good run. I guess it’s time to stop blogging. But I pushed through those moments, sorted out all sorts of decisions, designed my own logo – and started posting again. Gold stars to everyone who has come back to find me in this new space. <3
- Extracurriculars. I’m a low-energy person who recharges best alone. But this year we have jumped with two feet into kid activities and I am mostly loving it. Cross country, golf, drama, church events, youth conferences; basketball (for L) and volleyball (for A) start this week. It’s fun to see your children engaged and doing things they’re truly passionate about. And it’s really exciting to cheer them on and live vicariously through their accomplishments. Not for a second do I watch L’s success at cross country and tie it to my genetic line (he did NOT get his speed or long limbs from me), but I’d be lying if there wasn’t a healthy dose of motherly pride that wants to scream to the world I BIRTHED THAT CHEETAH WHIZZING PAST US AT THE FINISH LINE!! ISN’T HE AMAZING?
Your turn. Recent demerits and gold stars. Have you ever done a “solo” retreat? Do you like meeting friends for coffee/tea dates? What was your favourite extracurricular as a child? Do you have a hard time putting good books down at night?
sarah
These are all so thoughtful and well-reflected. I feel the same way about intuitive eating and making sure I am eating a ton of fresh food– I am trying not to control what I eat BUT ALSO food is more than taste and cravings– very hard. I need to pick up the coffee and lunch dates, too– I go in spurts, but things are more fun all round when I make the effort.
Elisabeth
There’s always something to think through and struggle with/overcome, eh. It boggles my mind that to some people food has always been relatively neutral, but I think our culture has really dug some deep holes for us all to climb out of.
Speaking of which – it’s lunchtime!
Jenny
4-5 hours of sleep… ouch. I also have been staying up too late, because I don’t want to put my book down at night. I’m constantly saying I want to sleep more, but lately I’ve been “aiming” for six hours… which really isn’t enough (especially if something happens and I fall short of that mark.) Not sure what I have to do at this point to get myself in bed earlier!
Your gold stars are all great! And I would imagine that giving yourself those demerits will nudge you to take action on some of them. In the end, you can’t do everything all the time. Eat great, sleep great, exercise every day, stay on top of all home repairs, go on coffee dates, attend all the extracurriculars… on top of working, of course (I always say I would have time for everything if I just didn’t have to go to work.) I’m glad your demerits are just gentle taps.
Elisabeth
That’s not the norm, but having a few in quick succession is not ideal for me 🙁
I did a short run yesterday and picked up an apple instead of crackers yesterday afternoon so, yes, I do find my demerits helpful. AND I just used Print My Blog to do a PDF of to-date posts. Go me 🙂
Darlene Cardillo
More gold stars so that’s a win.
No on the solo retreat but sounds like a good idea. I go a lot of solo hikes.
Love meeting for cold, brunch, walks… so important.
Gold stars – gym at least once a week, running 4x a week, meeting friends, not quitting my job
Demerits – sleeping, eating healthy, decluttering, cleaning, gardening.
Elisabeth
Not quitting my job as a gold star – ha, love it. Had to chuckle at that one.
Suzanne
I love your gentle taps instead of demerits, and I am with you on the exercise and the fruits/veggies intake. But I also feel like food is more than sustenance, and sometimes I need it to be a comfort and a convenience in addition to sustaining me, so I am trying to find more balance.
Your gold stars should be gold supernovas. Each of the things you list are huge, and I am sure they took a massive amount of forethought and effort, and yet you still accomplished them. Good on you, Elisabeth.
(I would be extremely interested to hear more about your experience with therapy, as I am newly seeing a therapist as well. Of course, I understand it’s a very private topic, and may not be something you are ready to share much about.)
Elisabeth
How do you keep coming up with all these amazing new terms, Suzanne. It’s one of your superpowers! A gold supernova? How glorious does that sound?!!
Amen to food being so much more than just sustenance, so I’m being gentle. It’s more about putting more fruit and veggie options in my path because…I love fruits and veggies and salads!!
I’d love to chat more about therapy. I’ll e-mail you tomorrow <3
Beckett @ Birchwood Pie
I feel like waiting to call the plumber is something that I would have done in my single days. The only reason that I wouldn’t do it today is that the hubs is in charge of household repairs.
Daily pill dividers are genius! Little old ladies know what’s up.
I’m glad that you have the therapist to help you deal with being a reasonable person in an unreasonable situation. And yes all the gold stars for the blog relaunch!
Elisabeth
Little old ladies really do know a thing or two, eh…their wisdom runs deep.
My husband seems to be away frequently when things go wrong, but this time we both dropped the ball. Oh well, it will all get sorted…eventually?!
Michelle
I’m glad that you’re gentle with yourself about the demerits. I’m there with you on the intuitive eating, and I’m hoping it’ll all balance out over time. Thanks for sharing and for re-starting your blog!
Elisabeth
Intuitive eating has made such a huge impact on my life, but of course there are still old struggles that will likely always haunt me. It’s hard to balance mental health and physical health sometimes. They go hand in hand, but it’s easy to go “overboard.”
Shelly
I’m loving the new headers for your themes and of course happy you are back as well.
It’s good to have the mix of demerits and really ensure there is a few more stars. Juggling all of the everyday things is a good star we don’t do often enough.
I have demerits in a daily practice my physiotherapist gave me. It’s pared down to three things and I still struggle. Sigh. I like walking so that happens more easily.
Elisabeth
Awww. Thanks! I’ve had fun making new headers for things. A nice creative outlet.
I’m horrible about sticking to things like physio. Just horrible at it. I tend to be a rule follower, but in things like this, I really see myself as a Gretchen Rubin Questioner…
Ally Bean
Congrats on making progress with a therapist and for creating this new blog. Both seem like huge steps to me.
Have you ever done a “solo” retreat? Yes and it was centering.
Do you like meeting friends for coffee/tea dates? Not really, I’d rather go out for drinks and snacks.
What was your favourite extracurricular as a child? I loved to swim. Not on a team, just for the joy of it.
Do you have a hard time putting good books down at night? No because I don’t read at night!
Elisabeth
I’m surprised you don’t read at night – so interesting! For me, that’s the main window where I DO read.
J
Good for you for getting therapy to help you with the tough stuff. Sometimes we look around and see how lucky we are, that we have good lives and beautiful families and our health and so on, and so we don’t think we need or deserve help. The truth is different, if we are struggling, sometimes therapy can really help.
I was so happy about your trip to see your parents. For a couple of decades, the only time I went out of town without my husband and daughter was on business trips. It’s been more recent for me to go somewhere without them, and it is a very different experience. In 2016, we all went to Oregon to celebrate my sister’s wedding, and then a few months later, I went up alone to celebrate my step-mom’s birthday. Both trips were wonderful, but I really liked being there just me, you know? And in retrospect I cherish that trip even more, because it was the last time I saw my dad before he died. In early 2020 I went to Los Angeles with my BFF and we had a wonderful time. And then last year I went to France with my cousin, which was HUGE for me. None of these were solo, as in, just me alone, but I think I would do that as well. But they were very different trips than going with my husband and daughter, which I love as well.
I go to bed pretty early, I’m more of a morning person. I try to read before bed, but I can’t get more than a couple of pages in before I start falling asleep, no matter how good the book is. Maybe I shouldn’t read in bed?
Elisabeth
Thanks for such kind words regarding therapy/mental support. Well said!
I wish reading put me to sleep so quickly; I usually have the opposite problem. I’m tired, but fight through it because I want to fit in “just one more chapter.”
NGS
Reading at night is my downfall. I am a “just one more chapter” girl until way, way past my bedtime. It’s truly a problem. But when else can I get such good, uninterrupted reading time?
I think that what you are going through with your neighborhood situation is So. Hard. Home should be a safe space and when it’s not, it’s obviously traumatic. I think going to therapy is such a good idea and I’m proud of you for taking that step. Yay you! All the gold stars and stickers.
Elisabeth
This is me; definitely a “just one more chapter” type of girl. AND YES!!! THIS IS THE BEST stretch of uninterrupted reading time. When else could I find the time to read when I don’t feel the pull to other responsibilities?
Thanks for gold stars AND stickers 🙂
Daria
Wonderful post! Thank you for such honest and reflective updates.
Demerits: lack of physical exercise, some snappy parenting, lack of energy (ties in with lack of exercise )
Gold stars: vitamins, water intake, vegetables and fruit, Sam-e and l-tyrosine for pms, writing and reading.
Elisabeth
Thanks, Daria; and I appreciate your sharing your personal demerits (I can relate to all of them), and congrats on such incredible gold stars!
Kyria @ Travel Spot
Yay for gold stars! I am so glad you found a good therapist and are taking through some things. I think that sometimes talking about going or wanting to go was taboo but after the pandemic became a but more accepted by society as a whole. I have many friends who have had good results through therapy. I would love to hear a bit more at some point as I definitely could use help coping with certain parts of life. You talking about backing off on social engagements really resonates with me. I tend to crawl under my rock when I am not feeling 100%.
To answer one of your questions, I love solo retreats and do at least one per year where I tromp off into the woods alone…and I love it. It makes me feel strong and capable and gives me time to reflect and be one with nature. ☺️
Elisabeth
Your truly solo retreats sound…amazing. I think I’d love a silent retreat at some point. Sounds like a dream to me 🙂
Therapy has been good; it is great that mental health things have been increasingly destigmatized. It really is just an extension of physical health!
coco
Starting therapy is a big move and i’m so glad it’s working well for you. I’ve done therapy for a year after my divorce and it really helped. I would have continued if I stayed in the US. Sometimes I feel like finding another one but it’s not easy to find the right fit.
And good job on coffee dates! I should do that too.
Elisabeth
Coffee dates are the perfect amount of commitment for me.
It can be so hard to find a good therapist and it really does feel like something that requires trial and error to find the “right fit.”
Nicole MacPherson
Yay for all those gold stars! I’m so happy you’re going to therapy – you have had such a rough go in the last while, and I’m so glad you’re addressing it. And you relaunched your blog which has made the internet very happy. So many good things here! Yay you!
When we were in Calgary, I never had trouble calling our plumber because OMG HE WAS SO HOT. We had this hot plumber who had great prices and did a great job and anytime we had trouble my husband was like “We better call Tony” and I would say “NO I’LL CALL HIM!” Lol. Hot Tony the plumber, I wish he was available for everyone. A great plumber, nice to look at, what more could a plumbing issue ask for?
Elisabeth
So many good things, indeed.
Now that we’ve shut the water off, we’ve just punted the problem down the road and STILL haven’t gotten in touch with a plumber. Sigh.
Lisa's Yarns
I’m so glad you were able to do a solo retreat! I have never done one but I have taken “shouldless” days off when my kids are in daycare and I think of those as a mini retreat of sorts. And I love meeting friends for coffee or walks or drinks. I feel some guilt doing this because I am gone a fair amount for travel so I feel like I’m always trying to “make up” for being gone. If Phil had more social plans, I would feel less guilty about having my own plans… but his group of friends are terrible at planning and I can’t plan FOR him (he would not like that) so I just have to accept that this balance will persist.
Let’s see, demerits would be eating ice cream a bit more often than I should. I have treated myself to some after hard days of work or parenting and it’s not the “healthiest” reward! I’m giving myself a gold star for navigating a busy season of work and our personal life. Having a new hire is great but it makes everything take a bajillion times longer than if I did it myself, but I need to take things off my plate so it’s worth it to commit time to training my new hire properly. He’s super sharp and seems to love the role so I think it’s a good investment to spend as much time with him as I have.
Elisabeth
I sometimes do No Expectations days (you know, like a play on the novel Great Expectations).
I LOVE meeting people for coffee. It feels like such low stakes, and can be combined with a walk, can happen at someone’s house, or at a neutral coffee shop.
I’m so glad that the new hire is working out well and while it definitely takes more energy now, it will pay off in the long run. I think about this with household chores. I want my kids to know how to do basic cooking skills, laundry etc – but it definitely takes longer to help oversee them than to just do it myself!
Stephany
Hooray for seeing a therapist! My personal belief is that everyone who CAN afford therapy, should be in therapy. Even if life is going well, there is just something really helpful about sitting down with an impartial third-party and getting insight into your life. I’m glad you’re seeing benefits from it already!
For some reason, I’ve always been like “welp, didn’t take my vitamins in the morning so I guess I’m just not going to take them.” Which is so silly! I can take my vitamins just as easily mid-day as I can first thing in the morning. Thanks for this reminder!
Melissa
I’ve put go on retreat on my list of 101 Things so hopefully I’ll be able to do that. It’s so good that you could make that happen, it sounds like you needed it.
My favourite extra-curricular was tennis. At my most busy I was playing juniors (Sat morning), seniors (Sat afternoon) and pennant (Sunday) as well as practice most afternoons. I loved it.
Elisabeth
Tennis is the one sport I wish I knew how to play really well. I see so many seniors playing and it just seems like such a great sport – not too intense on the body, but still very aerobic. I was set to have lessons a few years ago because because of some weather issues they all got cancelled. I really should aim to do this soon. I have the equipment, now I just need the know-how.
Tobia | craftaliciousme
Always such a fun post to see how things are going I your end. Gold Star to John for keeping things running while you were on your solo retreat.
I also hope you’ll work through that trauma and come out stronger. I am sorry that has happened.
Elisabeth
Thanks, Tobia <3
San
I travel for a weekend and get behind on *everything*… I apologize for the batch commenting in advance.
First of all, I am so glad you did NOT stop blogging. Elisabeth! How could you even entertain that thought? People are counting on you here 😉 I really love your new space here (and now, go back up your stuff!).
I think it’s fantastic that you’re seeing a therapist. You have no idea how many people I know who somehow got it into their heads that therapy is great – for everybody else! – but that they don’t “deserve” the help for one reason or another. I am glad you recognized that you could definitely benefit from some help with the things you were dealing with. Bravo!
I have not done a solo retreat (unless you count my “visits back home without Jon” a solo retreat LOL). I am glad that you took the time for yourself (and that your John encouraged you to do so!).
I love coffee/tea dates with friends but they don’t happen often because I still lack in the local friends department. Sigh. I know I need to do something about this, although I’d much rather beam some of my blog friends over for coffee.
Elisabeth
Aww. Thanks for such a sweet comment. I missed blogging…so much. This community and outlet means more to me than I could have ever imagined!
I really, really wish we could all hang out together in a coffee shop. #LifeGoals. We need to organize a meet-up some year soon. Nova Scotia is a great destination…
Anne
No, Elisabeth, YOU get all the gold stars for starting up your blog again. We were just eagerly waiting in the wings, hoping that you’d be back sooner than later. And here you are. 🙂 <3 Also? Good for you, not making the perfect be the enemy of the good with your supplements – I am also an Old Lady With A Pill Box, but … they work. 🙂
Elisabeth
Awww. Thanks <3