I’m writing this just before midnight on a Sunday because I can’t get to sleep.
I had a whole week of blog posts scheduled (hooray!), but I’ve moved them all back to drafts and will be taking a little bloggy break for the next week or so.
(For anyone in my Patreon community, those posts will still go out on Tuesday and Thursday!)
What a week/month/year.
Gracious, things feel overwhelming right now.
Saturday morning John had an event to go to. I rolled over and dozed off and on UNTIL 9:52 am. I cannot remember the last time I was in bed that long. And I had to force myself to get up; I felt like I could have slept for hours more.
In the last few days:
- I’ve learned the husband of a dear friend has been hospitalized after a long battle with various health issues.
- I’ve learned another friend’s family member has a terminal illness.
- I’m meeting up with a friend who is battling aggressive cancer.
- There are some ongoing complications in terms of helping my parents navigate recent health issues.
A few hours ago, we came upstairs after watching a family movie and I stepped in a puddle.
On my kitchen floor.
I thought the kids must have dropped a glass of water or something.
If only we were so lucky.
We looked up AND WATER WAS DRIPPING FROM A LIGHT FIXTURE IN THE CEILING.
Turns out, in the wind/rain storms over the weekend, we lost some roof shingles. (Apparently Indy noticed this while he was out on the trampoline but didn’t figure we would want to know??)
So we have a leaky roof. Like an actual water-coming-into-the-house (through a light fixture, with actual electricity involved) leak.
Great.
(And, of course, John is headed off on a work trip.)
I am feeling overstimulated and overwhelmed. The floors are constantly dirty (or, apparently, wet).
I feel like I must be doing something terribly wrong to feel so busy. I have an actively involved husband, a fully flexible part-time job, and financial stability.
(If you’re wondering how I find time to read so many books, that’s actually a bit of a tell: I stay up way too late to compensate for feeling overwhelmed/overstimulated and read once everyone else is asleep. So it’s a canary-in-the-coal-mine sort of thing, but also a form of self-preservation.)
Tonight, when I couldn’t get to sleep, I pulled up BBC and one of the top stories was about the mental load carried by women, especially mothers. I just about started to cry.
YES.
Even with loving, supportive partners—and even when the actual physical work of running a household is shared—the mental load can feel crippling sometimes. I followed a rabbit trail and another article on the topic says the mental load carried by many mothers “never really switches off.”
So true. It’s there when I go to sleep and it pops up when I wake up.
Here’s a definition I found of “mental load”:
The mental load is the invisible mental and emotional labour behind handling life’s never-ending to-do lists, including caring for others, managing a household, and delegating tasks. It’s the energy we spend thinking about and anticipating needs and tasks, organizing them, and following up and ensuring they’ve gotten done.
In the context of our homes and families, the mental load can affect parents, adult children caring for ageing relatives, partners or family members managing households, and people dedicated to the well-being of their local communities.
I can shorten it: it’s being responsible for making sure there’s toilet paper in the house. (This will make more sense in a minute.)
And right now, my brain feels like it’s carrying a LOT of tabs:
- I took a kid to an orthodontist appointment last week.
- And a hair appointment.
- There are two medical appointments coming up. (Neither stressful, but yet another thing to manage.)
- I NEED to figure out and schedule dental appointments (and while I’m at it, get one of my kids to floss… like more than twice a year).
- I had to log on and pay school fees. The first time I signed in, they weren’t accessible, so the task had to stay on my list. Paying the fees itself was no big deal, but it sat in my brain for weeks while I couldn’t actually do anything about it because the website hadn’t been updated properly.
- I went through two piles of school forms that are standard this time of year. They are not even remotely hard to fill out, but I need to check health card numbers and make sure all the emergency contact information is correct (etc, etc) and sign my name and the date about forty times.
- There have been so many playdates and hangouts and requests for “Can you text so-and-so’s parents to see if they’re free?” from Indy. That child wants to be surrounded by humans at all times.
- We are mostly eating like crap. There is a smattering of fruit and veggies, but the kids have been living off dry cereal for breakfast (think Froot Loops, not Shredded Wheat), and occasionally for dinner, too. Two nights in a row I had packaged ramen. I WANT salads for dinner; I just don’t want to have to think at this point, and boiling noodles and pouring them into a bowl with delicious MSG-laced powder is so easy.
- We are down to two rolls of toilet paper in the house. Toilet paper is easy to come by. But I manage buying TP and staying on top of when it needs replacing, and I’ve known we’ve needed it and just haven’t gotten around to buying it because there are so many other things going on and it keeps slipping my mind BUT NOW IT’S KIND OF CRITICAL I GO BUY TOILET PAPER.
I feel a bit stuck, and being down to two rolls of toilet paper feels like a symptom of a bigger struggle. And yes I can delegate this task. John would go get toilet paper. I could give a child money and have them walk to get toilet paper. But delegating tasks is part of the mental load!
I did a giant brain dump the other day and expected to feel better, but mostly I ended up feeling more overwhelmed.
There are the big things:
- How do I help my parents navigate this new stage of aging?
- I need to get caught up on our business bookkeeping.
- So many people we care about are facing tremendously challenging situations. How can I best support them?
And then there are the quotidian things:
- Let’s start with the obvious: we need toilet paper.
- We need to get the roof repaired.
- I want to get back to cooking balanced meals.
- I need to call and schedule dentist appointments (but also keep an eye on their school calendar so I don’t create a scheduling headache in the process).
- I need to pick a paint colour with Indy for his room. Does this matter? No. Am I stressed the painter is going to reach out and I’m going to have to defer again? Yes. Would that matter? No. Do I want this room painted after eight years of staring at chipped, dinged, dingy walls? Yes.
Also, tangent alert (but related to my mental load/brain dump): Christmas is coming in just over 100 days.
I KNOW I don’t need to fret about this on September 7th, and normally I wouldn’t, but I think because I’m already feeling so overwhelmed, it’s looming a bit ominously this year.
Take Christmas cards, for instance. I want to make a photo card (sort of), but I have THOUSANDS of pictures to wade through. The thought of doing it feels overwhelming, even though I did it for over a decade and even put it on my goals list for this year.
Is the effort worth it? Will I regret it if I don’t?
(I didn’t make one last year and feel zero guilt, but it did make me a little sad to break the streak.)
I want to be a good, present mom, and sometimes I feel like I am just snappy and tired.
Other times, I feel like I am a good, present mom but get so little encouraging feedback from my kids about the positive things I do. I read chapters of books to Indy most nights before bed and drive kids to friends’ houses and pick up grocery items I know they like and take slow-mo videos of stunts on the trampoline and hem jeans with safety pins when someone asks me to and change sheets and make sure the hand towels in the bathroom get switched out and washed and, in return… I get mostly requests for more engagement, sighs, or complaints.
And I know it’s normal. I know it’s part of mothering. I have exceptionally good kids who probably show above-average gratitude.
And still… it’s exhausting.
I feel like everyone around me has a tank that I want to fill, but I can’t. And my own tank is feeling empty.
Not in a depressed, emotional way, but in a literal I’m running on fumes sort of way.
So! That’s where things are at.
Life is good. I am blessed. There are so many things I am deeply grateful for, and I need a little online pause to give me a bit more bandwidth offline.
I won’t be back in time for Happy Things Friday this week, so here are a few points of gratitude to round out this post:
- I had two horrible dreams this week. (That’s not the part I’m grateful for; the bad dreams were bad!) Not only were they horrible, they were realistic. The kind where you wake up convinced it was reality. What a unique form of relief/gratitude to discover it was just a dream.
- I loved the book of micro-memoirs Diane suggested, Textbook by Amy Krouse Rosenthal!
- Yes, we have WATER LEAKING FROM OUR CEILING, but… we discovered it before we went to bed. Imagine the damage that could have happened overnight while we were sleeping!!!
- We were able to put a series of buckets under the main leaks in the attic, which will hopefully contain things.
- We have the funds to cover repairs as needed. I hate the thought of repairs, but I realize it’s a tremendous blessing to know the money is there to cover the costs.
- A four-day school week (hopefully)! Barring anyone getting sick or some unforeseen cancellation, there should be FOUR complete days with the kids at school. My to-do list is so long right now. I have punted a variety of work tasks down the line and I must tackle them this week. At this point, Wednesday and Friday have nothing scheduled and I’m hoping I can be radically productive.
- I made up a veggie and sausage soup on Saturday and have some easy meals planned for the week ahead that are at least moderately nutritious and crowd-pleasing. Aside from when we’ve had company visiting, food has felt very haphazard lately, and I think this week will mark the official return to normal.
Life can be good (see gratitude list!) and also exhausting and stressful and, right now, I need to take a few things off my plate instead of figuring out how to carry the plate more efficiently.
Blogging can be one of those things for a week.
I’ll see you on the other side.
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Ahhhh sending you lots of love, friend. I don’t think anything I can say will lift the heaviness you’re feeling, so I’ll keep this brief- but just know I’m here for you, I care about you, and I’m grateful for you! You’re amazing. 💕
Ditto!
Take your time, make your lists, have a nice drink in a coffee shop while you check off some of the tedious stuff, and say no to non-essentials. Take care!
And froot loops for a week won’t hurt your kids- we all have phases like that.
Feeling you on the mental load and emotional weight. I feel the need to constantly walk around the house to tidy up, to cook things, to prep, to remind people things, this is all after 3 hours of exercise time (because that’s my destress-me moment). I feel a rabbit to run on wheel until the last drop of energy runs out sometimes.
take the break, breath, stay in bed, let it go of powerlessness toward health challenges of our loved ones (hard I know but we must).
sending you big hugs Elizabeth.
I’m sorry life is so overwhelming and full of so many hard things right now. Take care of yourself and we’ll all be here when you get back. Praying for you, my friend!
The toilet paper example captures the mental load so perfectly. It’s not the task itself, it’s having to remember that the task exists!
I love your point that life can be good and you can be grateful, while still being completely worn out. Those things can absolutely coexist.
I hope a blogging break gives you some space to refill your own tank. Take care of yourself, Elisabeth! ❤️
I am so, so proud of you for recognising it, and starting to say no to things. Hoping you can find some time to breathe and that this all starts to lift for you.
You’re amazing, you’ve got this, and this too shall pass.
And one day those kids will tell you how much they love you. You’ll feel that appreciation. And it will make you bawl ugly tears. Because you’ve earned that cry. You are incredible.
Just saying the obvious: YES IT’S A LOT AND YES YOU NEED A BREAK. And probably full time staff. See you on the other side of bloggy break.
Advice: it is A-OK for dinner to be the lowest priority and to skate by on cereal and ramen for a while.
Sending love and hugs as you eat the elephant. There is only one way to do it, which is one bite at a time, and it is normal to feel like you’re making no progress and that there is a lot of elephant.
Oh gosh! Sending love and hugs. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment. I hope you can get your roof fixed quickly.
The mental load is real, my friend. That is a LOT. There is always so much to be done and yes, I know it can be delegated BUT THAT’S STILL WORK. Hugs, friend. Also, that water leak gave me a flashback to when we were in Calgary and during a huge storm we had a water leak through a light fixture in our kitchen. It was terrifying, honestly. So I understand! I also understand the feeling of “everyone needs more” and being spread too thin. Take all the time from here and just know we are all here for you when you need. xo
We will miss you!!! But also… I’m glad you’re taking a Bloggy Break. You’ve got a lot going on, and it’s nice to be able to remove one thing from the list. I know- it’s all a lot. Just regular parenting is a lot, then add a roof leak (yikes), aging parents, and friends having serious health issues… and it’s funny because I’ve also started thinking about Christmas. I hope you have a good week, get everything done that you need to, and also get some mental space to decompress. See you on the other side!
See you on the flip side. Its good you are taking care of yourself! I hope that it gives you a chance to destress a little bit, and read more! I know your Mom’s situation must be weighing on you a lot and it is hard to worry about other mundane things like TP when something big like this is going on. Big hug, friend! We are here for you!
I am sending you good vibes of energy and patience to get through busy and difficult times. I am keeping you in my thoughts. Take good care of yourself!
Even without a roof to fix, aging parents (yes, but no health scares at the moment) and too many close ones in difficult times I also feel the mental load and it is a lot (and delegating also does not really take away from it – thanks for addressing it).
I agree with everything that is being said here in the comments. Yes, this is a LOT on you right now. You are right to recognize it and cut back where you can. The mental load is exhausting. I wonder what would happen if I didn’t have a list of things that need to be done in my head at all times? Now that my daughter is an adult, and everyone makes their own appointments and so on, it has gotten a lot better. Also my husband doesn’t travel for work like yours does, which makes things a lot easier. Anyway, hang in there, and hey, ramen and cereal once in a while never hurt anyone. Buy the toilet paper, get someone to look at the roof, and then go back to bed. <3
Have you thought about getting your groceries delivered? I have instacart and love it. I also do Walmart+ and it is great. I am homebound and it’s a Godsend to me.
That’s a lot of weight on your shoulders, and I’m sure it’s exhausting to carry it all. Good for you, giving yourself permission to let some things go for a bit. Sending you big hugs and prayers.
Oh goodness, a leak on top of everything???? Elisabeth, I have nothing to offer you but commiseration on ALL of it. (Except the traveling spouse; dealing with call weeks is bad enough, and I am so sorry you sometimes have to deal with All the Things while Jon is out of town!!!!) The aging parents, the kids, the mom guilt, the house stuff, the loved ones dealing wifh crises. It’s so hard. I know you are probably already repeating Allison’s mantra (which I think we both learned via Nicole) that there is a time after this. Sometimes I have to say it through gritted teeth with a lot of emphasis on IS. Anyway: solidarity and love, my friend. ❤️❤️❤️
Oh Elisabeth, you are carrying so much. I feel every bit of this for you. Give yourself the rest you need and give the rest to God. I will surely keep you in my prayers.
I am so sorry you are going through this terrible rough stretch. The mental load is extra heavy to carry when one parent is traveling a lot as so much falls on you! Keeping the car on the rails is hard enough without extra stuff like worrying about parents and other health scares/situations. It’s all just way too hard and too much for one person. I would probably see if there is anything I could press the easy button on and triage the list of things you want to accomplish. Like given all you had going on, I’d push the easy button for meal prep/meals. It sounds like to reset things and eat healthy, wholesome meals but that is typically a lot of work and you need less on your plate, not more.
I’ll be thinking of you and hoping the roof repairs are done quickly and aren’t too expensive!!
Sorry to read this, but happy you’re taking a blog break – your community will be waiting to welcome you back with open arms, virtual hugs, etc. Hope both kids have a smooth start to the school year! See you in October or November…
This sounds like a lot, Elisabeth, so it’s the right decision to take something off your plate… and as you know, we’ll all be here, when you return (and support you from afar while you’re taking care of yourself, your family and your friends).
The mental load is real and I don’t know if women are just conditioned or actually genetically wired to take this on.
“Pecked to death by parakeets” Is what I call that feeling; can SO relate! You are wise to pare down to essentials because no one can pour from an empty cup. Hang in there, do just what’s in front of you, and know that although you will be missed, the blogosphere will certainly be there when you are able to return.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents ever felt this overwhelmed??? Mine certainly never acted as if life was more than they could handle. I should ask them some time. I then wonder would it help if my kids to knew when I’m feeling like the mental load is overwhelming? Well, I do let them know, usually by having a fit about an unwashed spoon and shutting myself in my bedroom for an evening.
And water. You know how the Girls Next Door always say, “Add water” as a solution to something with kids. Well, “Adding water” – gah! no! just makes everything more stressful. Water is so mysterious sometimes.
I’m so glad you enjoyed Textbook. I’ll always love the essay about the waterslide. “Do you need a push?” There’s a metaphor in that.
I’m sorry so many things are haywire right now, but HOORAY for you for putting on your own oxygen mask first!! I agree with everyone else that it is absolutely fine (and even wise!) to keep meals simple right now, although I completely understand wanting/needing nutritious food as well. Rotisserie chicken with bagged salad mix, veggies roasted straight out of a steamfresh bag served alongside sheet pan kielbasa, and breakfast for dinner (scrambled eggs, breakfast sausage, and crispy grapes) are some of my go-tos when life gets crazy. And definitely paper plates!
Grocery delivery is also well worth the slight increase in cost for mental sanity, even if it’s just while John is gone. I have a subscribe & save monthly order on Amazon for TP, paper towels, laundry detergent and dish detergent so I don’t even have to think about it.
I’m so glad the leak was found before more damage was done but still, UGH. I hope the quiet of kids in school gives you a bit of mental reprieve.
I’m with you – right down to the toilet paper and ramen noodles. I had to run out first thing in the morning the other day, after relocating the few squares left on the upstairs roll to the downstairs bathroom for my kid to use when he woke up…
For some reason, this year seems tougher than others. But the mental load is always heavy, and it’s almost impossible to explain to my husband and others that try to be there to help. I’m sorry you’re having a tough time….but a part of me is glad to see that I’m not alone.
Oh friend. I can really relate to what you write above. YMCA decided that after care should start on 09/14 and not on 09/08. That happened the night BEFORE. The night before the kids were going to school and Tony was leaving on yet another business trip. Of course I took the ymca people to town, that is just bull! To find out that there is no aftercare the night before. What in the actual f**k. I was so upset, I couldn’t sleep.
Thankfully, a kind neighbor with girls in the same school came through and picked my kids up at dismissal while I drove like a maniac back home from work. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday… but now I feel indebted and struggling with that, too.
Ohhh the joys of parenting.
Ahh, the good ole Toilet Paper Fairy, as I call it. My friend and her husband had just bought a house and they were starting the process of moving. Her husband came out of the bathroom and said, “There’s already toilet paper here!” And yes, yes there was because my friend BOUGHT THE TOILET PAPER AND STOCKED THE BATHROOMS BEFOREHAND. Sigh.
I am feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated myself, so I feel you. And I don’t even have children and a house to maintain, merp. Life is just a lot sometimes.
This sounds rough.
I am sending good vibes and hope you can find some balance and relax a bit.