It’s Saturday afternoon and I’m trying to get out of a funk. Thanks to the reliability of Feedly (*insert dripping sarcasm here*) I only read this post by Suzanne today and I felt seen – not because our challenges are exactly the same but because sometimes I get so down on myself for struggling with my own basket of insecurities.
For example, I spend a surprising and unhealthy portion of life in self-loathing over my personality and how I handle certain situations. I know, existentially at least, what I need to do. Stay calm and rationale. Eat healthfully. Exercise regularly. Learn to take things less personally. Open up to those I love. But when a funk drags on, I mostly just want to curl up in a ball and vacillate between sleep and wallowing in self-pity/sadness/my own mental exhaustion.
I don’t want to talk. I don’t even want things to get better. I just want nothingness and numbness. I want a stretch of mental silence because my brain is so used to being active – We’re out of toilet paper! Did I sign the permission form? Argh – I forgot to e-mail back that collegue like I said I would. What should I make for supper tonight? These jeans feel too tight! Am I a good wife/mother/friend/employee? – that when extra things (heavier things) get added to the mental mix I feel like a house of cards in a hurricane.
Even in wallowing I don’t feel like I can let down my guard – to my perfectionist brain there is a RIGHT and WRONG way to wallow. What if I short-circuit my desire for white space and end up steam-rolling over feelings that need time and space to heal? What if I face hard emotions when I’m too vulnerable and raw and can’t reason properly? On the flip side, what if I try to avoid uncomfortable situations and thereby fail to deal with things that need dealing with; pretending a problem doesn’t exist isn’t exactly an appropriate way to move through adulthood.
I’m not writing this to Solve All My Problems; in the words of Suzanne: “What I’m hoping for, I guess, is commiseration and solidarity. I would also accept The Key to Real Confidence, if you have it.” In fact, I didn’t feel like writing at all – which is a sure sign I’m in a funk – but I knew it would make me feel better to get these thoughts and emotions out of my head and onto the screen.
[I loved Jenny’s response that The Key to Real Confidence is getting older. I can do that!]
My basket of woes:
- Parenting. I’m tired of parenting. The kids are great. Things are great. But I’m still tired from the effort it takes and don’t really feel like being responsible for keeping another living being alive right now. Which feels silly since it takes SO MUCH LESS EFFORT to keep them alive than it did even a few years ago. These days when I observe a family with young children I cannot wrap my mind around the fact I survived that stage (the “little years” were not my favourite and we had a lot of other stuff going on at the same time). But there is angst. And constant requests – Watch me! Can I…? She did/he did this to me….! Wednesday night it was a giant glitter ball exploding all over carpeted floor. (Bless his soul, John tackled cleanup solo.) Thursday it was someone leaving an orange crayon in their pocket that went through the wash and then into the dryer; heads up: it takes a lot of time and effort and hot soapy water to remove crayon wax from an entire load of laundry. And there is food to be prepared. And there is just so much time to fill! I want to fill it well! But sometimes there are too many hours in a day – for me – when it comes to parenting. Mostly I think I just want silence and solitude and my kids are not the silent type.
- Body image. No clothes are currently fitting me the way I want and it’s almost summer when I can no longer hide behind my very comfortable and baggy maternity coat (I’m not pregnant; I thrifted a maternity winter coat and it is the best). I am not trying to fit into uber-stylish clothes. I just want my clothes from LAST season to fit. I’m all for intuitive eating, but I’m not eating intuitively right now. I’m eating to soothe emotions and it’s leaving me feeling…not great.
- My brain is overstimulated. I’ve been vacillating between red and yellow brain zones lately. I’m aiming for more green in April.
- Exercise. I swear it has been cold or overcast or rainy or extremely windy or some horrible combination of that weather for months. MONTHS. Sun has been very elusive this winter/early spring and I’m so, so over the wet, icky weather which leaves me sullen, uninspired, and reaching for chocolate instead of sneakers.
- All the other things I’m not going to list. In some ways I feel like I’ve moved from one emotional crisis to another for the better part of a decade and I’m drained. (I have used that word – drained – a lot in March.) And then I feel guilty talking about cumulative emotional weight because the things I’ve been through pale to utter insignificance when compared to what others I know and love have had to journey through. I know, I know: there is no need to compare – my burdens are real and hard for me. But…still. I don’t want to blow my issues out of proportion. So then I have the mental burden of trying to chide myself, kindly, to just get over it already. *Insert exploding head emoji*
March is almost over and I am really, really looking forward to April. I’m ready for sunshine. I’m ready for being able to tell myself March is over and April is here. I’m ready for a new month with no mistakes in it, yet.
Things I’m Thinking Through to Make April Better:
- Therapy. It helped me so much during a tough fall of 2023 and I’ve only gone three times in 2024. Concrete goal: Do talk therapy at least twice in April.
- Food. Focus on things that taste good that leave me feeling good. Concrete goal: Do some short fasts to reset my digestion. Make lots of smoothies. Make easy meals when I’m parenting solo: clear out the freezer, have breakfast for supper (toast, scrambled eggs, oatmeal), grilled cheese.
- Say no. Mostly I think this means hosting fewer playdates at our house. Having my kids’ friends over is a mixed bag for me: it helps occupy and entertain the kids and it’s fun/great social stimulation for them, but I know I need more mental white space. Concrete goal: Say no to at least one invitation a week.
- Exercise. I need to walk. I don’t feel like I have bandwidth for a complicated regime or routine. I’d like to get back to daily yoga but, for now, walking feels like the right focus. Concrete goal: aim for a minimum of 10 minutes of walking each day in April.
- Building off lessons learned. March has been tough, but it has also been a time of growth. Though I felt like a rug was being pulled out from under me, I also appreciate that those experiences forced me to source a non-slip mat to put under the rug so it’s more secure, more comfortable, more functional. And that’s a great thing.
Brain dump over. And I do feel better.
Anyone want to join me for 10 minutes of walking (minimum) each day in April? Cool Bloggers Walking Club?
Header photo by Liubov Ilchuk on Unsplash
Sophie
Oh Elisabeth, I’m sorry you’re in such a funk, I’ve definitely been there and it’s so tough when you lay self-criticism on top of all the other emotions! You’ve had a big March with travel, parenting, parties etc so no wonder you’re tired, and the grey weather never helps moods. I get it with the parenting, it’s the constant interaction that’s hard, I definitely need plenty of white space! Hang in there, and sounds like you have a good plan for April. I’ll join the Cool Bloggers Walking Club haha! Walk daily is one of April goals already 🙂 it makes such a difference to my mental health for sure.
Elisabeth
Yay! I’m excited to go walking – I feel like a new month is really going to feel like a fresh slate and having an accessible amount of exercise on my daily rota will really help, too.
Grateful Kae
Ohhhh I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, especially after your epic trip! But I think some post-vacation blues are real, and as wonderful as family travel is, it also upends everything else, too. I hope you can refocus and reset your Shmita goal now in April and get back to that sense of peace you had found earlier in the year. Sounds like you have some good plans! I will happily join your Cool Bloggers Walking club, too!
Elisabeth
Yes! There is a lot more than just vaca blues going on BUT you are SO right. I 100% get the blues after vacations/big holidays like Christmas and that is certainly exacerbating things and it didn’t cross my mind until you mentioned it!
Yay for the “walking club!” I bet you and Charlie easily hit that target already <3
J
I am there with you. I am lucky in that I generally don’t have extreme highs and lows, I am pretty level. But last week, I had a crappy day where something mean I said caused me to ruminate and dwell and feel like a shit of a person. No one else contributed to me feeling this way, it was all me. So hard. But I got through it, as did you, as did Suzanne. We did it, and we can continue to do it. Hang in there.
Elisabeth
I loved your line about our survival rate for these days is 100%. So good…
Lisa’s Yarns
Gah I wish I could give you a big hug. I think many of us feel similarly so you are not alone! This little kid stage of parenting is so challenging (I mean, taco spit in Phil’s face last night when we were leaving his mom’s – it was one of those ‘raspberry’ kind of spits but it was so gross and very hard to handle after a couple of hours of rough behavior from him). I keep thinking, how do people have so many kids? What gene am I missing? Which is a stupid train of thought because having a big family was not in the cards for us even if we wanted one. I just sooo don’t want one and feel like there must be something wrong with me to not be sad about the passage of time… but my sister has a challenging toddler, too, so we can commiserate together which really does help.
I like this idea of a 10 minute walk/day. I think I will try to join you although I am traveling so much in April so sometimes that walk might be in an airport!!
Elisabeth
Oh those moments with little kids are SO hard (especially at the end of tough parenting…it comes in unrelenting waves sometimes).
We’ve talked about this a lot offline – we aren’t missing genes it just takes all kinds!
Airport walks welcomed and encouraged! I’m sure some of mine will be on the treadmill.
Beckett @ Birchwood Pie
Jenny is right – the key to confidence is getting older! You’re still in your 30’s right? GIRL IT GETS BETTER.
Also…Feedly can go f itself. I missed out on Suzanne’s posts for a few days as well which I do not appreciate.
One thing that I want to pick on is the “take things less personally” thing. When I started therapy last year I was sure that my therapist was going to tell me that. Instead she said “I wouldn’t put up with that either”. It was eye opening, and of course not that simple, but I wanted to throw that thought out there just in case it applies. I blow a lot of things out of proportion but not all things.
Hugs for all the rest. No one is reading this post and saying “yeah I totally can’t relate”. The thought is more “wow I’m not the only one”.
Elisabeth
I AM in my 30s and I keep feeling like I’m learning more and more about people and life and then WHAM, I feel like I’m back in preschool learning all over again.
Feedly is so annoying. Remember when San had issues? It’s so random and frustrating. Gah.
mbmom11
Can join the Cool Blogger walking club even though I am neither cool nor a blogger? I know being outside more would be beneficial, but it’s do easy to sit inside and wallow instead.
I hope you can find done time to recharge.
Elisabeth
Yes! All are welcome – and I’m going to go out on a limb and say since you are part of this online community you ARE VERY COOL. I hope you join in <3
coco
I’m sorry to hear that so much is going on in your mind lately. Can it be post-vacation blue? especially when there are so many things to catch up to get back to the routine.
Oh… I’m totally with you about playdates. I host playdates very rarely and it’s only one kid at the time that I can handle. I can’t stand the noises. So definitely limit those when calm is what you may need more.
Elisabeth
I definitely have post-vacation blues and after Kae mentioned that I can 100% see that has exacerbated my emotional state!
Maria
You expressed something I do, and thought I was alone in doing, so eloquently in the paragraph starting “Even in wallowing I don’t feel like I can let down my guard…” Wow. Yup I do that too. May April be a better month for you and Happy Easter! Thanks for sharing your Good Friday message too.
Elisabeth
I’m so glad that line resonated with you! It’s nice to know that we share burdens and personality traits with others.
Thanks for sharing and for your kind words about Friday’s post <3
Rachel
I’m sorry your feeling this way! Brains are so tough and so… for lack of a better word… manipulative.
Parenting, Body Image, Mental Headspace and Exercise are also such huge baskets. I think the fact you can break down what isn’t going well is an amazing step. It must be so vulnerable to post on the internet like this but you have all our support from afar and across the world.
I hope you are able to get some peace in April. Short of that, you’re making everyone feel less alone with the same thoughts, so thank you for sharing.
Elisabeth
What a great choice of words. Brains ARE manipulative! And exhausting!
Thanks for being so supportive. We’re better together <3
Tobia | craftaliciousme
Being in a funk is so annoying. I am hoping that writing it all down has done the trick as well as having April written in the calendar to get out of that. Make April a good one. I love your concrete plans you mapped out.
Walking is such a game changer for me too when feeling down. I am trying to incorporate it more. Not sue if I manage every day. Like today I feel like staying in my yoga pants and not leaving the couch.
Elisabeth
Some days are meant to be spent on the couch in yoga pants!
Nicole MacPherson
For some reason, this post showed up in my feed TODAY. It’s Monday. So, um, I’m so sorry I missed this! Gah. Anyway, sending all the hugs and love and I hope you’re feeling better. And as I said before, I’m in for the cool walking club! xoxoxo
Elisabeth
Feedly is a real treat sometimes…sigh.
Thanks for the love <3 And I AM feeling so much better.
Jenny
Since I’m a little late commenting (how did I miss this post over the weekend???) I’m sure you’ve already gotten a lot of great support and comments. One thing I thought when I read this was, this woman has had TOO MUCH WINTER. Not to downplay all the real issues here, but cold, dark dreary weather really has an effect on our moods. You need spring- and luckily it’s coming.
That said, I know- parenting is hard and just feels never-ending. I remember when my son was still a baby, I started to doubt if I was really cut out to be a mom, because I’m such an introvert. Being around people all the time who constantly need things from you is draining. Anyway… I’m excited to read the next post about the Cool Bloggers Walking Club. Walking helps everything!
Elisabeth
I have had TOO MUCH WINTER, Jenny. You are 100% right. And the winter wasn’t even that wintery. Very little snow. Just so much rain, wind, and overcast skies.
NGS
Sometimes I dream that winter is three weeks long. Three weeks seems like the right amount – we could get snow and it would still be fun and an excuse to work from home and drink hot chocolate. And it could be cold, but we’d just bust out our winter hats and snow pants and it would be fun. And then the snow would go away and spring would start and we could go outside without six layers on again. I think that if you take this Imagination Trip with me, you’ll find that most of this would sort itself out. Kids being kids? Go outside, children. Body image? Who has time for all that thinking when you’re busy spring cleaning and opening windows. Exercise? There’s yardwork to do! Hiking on deck! I don’t have to do stupid online videos – life brings exercise. The list? Hey, what list? I opened the windows and now I can do anything!
I mean, that’s right, right? Winter is the problem. Not you.
Elisabeth
I like your winter and approve this message. If you want to start a political platform on this, you’ll rule the world.
I am going to go with your synopsis: Winter is the problem. Not me. Engie said it and I believe it!
Stephany
Life can be so fraught sometimes, can’t it? Even when it’s nothing MAJOR but all just the little things that it takes to be a functioning human. I feel that! Sometimes just getting up and putting on real clothes is the biggest struggle and I’m always like, “Why is this so hard?” And I think we often feel that it’s not as hard for other people, but I think the truth is that we’re all struggling in our own ways and being honest about where we’re struggling is so helpful. So thank you for writing this post and being honest about where you are. <3 I'm glad you'll be adding in some extra therapy this month! I definitely think it will be helpful!
Elisabeth
YES! Sometimes getting dressed can feel like the hardest part of the day.
I’ve had one therapy session already and have another one tomorrow…so I’m ticking that box off quickly!
Anne
You’ve already gotten wonderful ideas and advice, and it sounds like you are making some really good changes. I did want to point out, though, that even the best vacations can be a lot of work for parents. There’s no school, you’re interacting with your kids all the time, and, well, all of us have moments when we are not our best on vacations. I always marvel that parents aren’t exhausted POST vacation. I hope the sun is coming out – literally and figuratively – and that you are feeling just a tiny bit lighter.
Elisabeth
Yes, post-vacation/re-entry is TOUGH! Why do I always forget this. Add in some pretty stressful other life events and it was kinda bound to be turbulent. But, things ARE feeling lighter. Thanks for such kind well-wishes, Anne <3
San
Thanks for being vulnerable. It must have been hard to write this and admit that you’re struggling… but when you believe the comments, you’re not alone in this, in fact, most of us have similar thoughts now and then. And it’s so easy to think that other people don’t struggle… but it’s because of what you said about yourself “you don’t let your guard down” (or we rarely do).
It’s hard to admit that life is hard sometimes, especially when we’re bombarded with news from around the world where people are in so much more dire situations than we are… but does that lesson our struggles? No.
I realize that I am commenting on this late. I hope you had many better days and most importantly that you were able to make some tweaks in April that make life feel a little easier now and then.
Elisabeth
Thanks, friend. April has been so much better. Still some rough patches, but I’m seeing light metaphorically and literally!