I rarely post twice in one day but sometimes my brain needs my fingers to put words on a screen as an act of self-care.
This is one of those days.
It would be hard to classify this weekend as anything short of a mind—. Specifics aren’t important, but a tiny comment was enough to send me spiralling mentally. I wound up trying to “sleep it off” Sunday afternoon which sadly morphed into what can only be termed an Epic Panic Attack Nap To End All Panic Attacks (which was about as much fun – and restorative – as it sounds), and a last-minute therapy appointment for today which, thankfully, was very helpful.
When I was recounting my weekend to Joy (she asked how my weekend had been and I answered honestly) she sent me this cartoon and I nearly cried – Yes! I am that odd-looking little red character (is it supposed to be a heart?)! Sometimes the weight of past experiences, present responsibilities, and future commitments feel so heavy and burdensome that the little things – the pebble in the shoe, the bee in the bonnet, the fly in the ointment, the spilled milk (this morning at breakfast), the misinterpreted comment – are enough to send us to our knees. Or, in my case, a fetal position in bed.
Can anyone else relate?
When little things set me off I wonder why. But it’s rarely that “little thing” – it’s everything that came before that “little thing” that winds up leaving me emotionally vulnerable.
And yesterday I was mired in guilt and loathing and deep weariness. This sounds melodramatic and if you never feel this way I am so glad you haven’t experienced these feelings. If you have/do…then you know how dark those moments of despising yourself can be and how imposible it can feel to escape a negative mindset. I forget There will be a time after this and get stuck in a loop of thinking There will NEVER be a time after this.
In my spiralling I realized the solution is really quite simple.
I want everything.
- I want everyone to be happy with me. All the time. No exceptions.
- I want to say yes to fulfilling all the needs and requests that come my way.
- I want to do everything that is asked of me. Perfectly.
- I want to anticipate and do all the things that AREN’T asked of me but people secretly wish I’d do. This, of course, will help keep everyone happy with me at all times.
- If I don’t do something someone asks of me – or suggests they might like from me – I will 100% feel guilt. And I don’t like guilt.
- Therefore, I want everyone to be happy with me. All the time. No exceptions.
Therefore, I want everything.
I hate my own limitations and I hate conflict of any sort. It was fortuitous that a friend recently sent me a link to a song called Finite by Sarah Groves. While I’m not a huge fan of the tune, I find myself singing two lines over and over: I’m finite, I come to an end and I’m chasing…a guilt undefined.
First, I don’t want to accept limits (e.g. I have low energy) and constraints (e.g. I’m an introvert and easily get drained emotionally). But I am inescapably finite. And sometimes I really, really hate that.
Second, guilt is my constant companion. I know this is something women disproportionately struggle with (and yes, this is something I’m working on with my therapist), but guilt is my default reaction to everything. Put me in any situation and I can – easily! – find a way to elicit guilt over my eventual response. It’s my awful superpower.
Years ago, John captured a video of L playing with Star Wars LEGO. (Wasn’t he was bitty?) His perfect cherub tummy of toddlerhood; a mop of dirty blond hair. The cutest voice imaginable with an I’m-still-learning-to-talk lisp.
After years of languishing in a computer folder, this video resurfaced a few months ago and became an instant family classic. We’ve watched it dozens of times and frequently find ourselves saying: All of the everything. It’s an inside joke. A funny soundbite.
Well, son, I want all of the everything, too.
But I’m finite. It’s not all in me.*
(*Thankfully, as a follower of Jesus, I can recite with full confidence the lyrics to Yet Not I But Christ in Me by CityAlight – Jesus is my hope for eternity and I don’t need to do anything; but regardless of my faith, it can still be very hard to live that out!!!)
I’m not every woman
Finite by Sara Groves
It’s not all in me
I’m proud and guarded
When it comes to my needs
Try to keep the whole thing rolling
Try to keep an on time train
This frenetic fascination’s
Really driving me insane
Anybody feel that?
Anybody feel that?
Anybody feel that?
What God meant by woman
I’m hard pressed to find
I’m chasing paper dreams
And a guilt undefined
Fighting to stay younger
Trying to stay thin and in control
Searching for a magic formula
A thing to soothe our souls
Wonderin’ where the peace went
Wonderin’ where the peace went
Wonderin’ where the peace went
I’m finite I come to an end
I’m finite I cannot pretend
This post doesn’t have a happy ending and a tidy bow. As you might imagine, I like happy endings and tidy bows. But that’s not how life works a lot of the time. We’re all finite. We can’t please everybody all the time. These are facts and realities. Some days, that can just be really hard to accept…
Thank goodness for cute toddler videos. And even if Chewbacca isn’t Darth Vader, one day at a time I learn to answer Okay, and move on.
Header photo by Matt Botsford on Unsplash
J
Goodness, I’m sorry this was your experience, how horrible. That heart cartoon, I get that. I think we’ve all been there. I remember after my mom died, after my dad died, after my dog died…it was so hard to hold it together. I had it in me to get through the day, but any little thing above and beyond that would throw me off. Someone cutting me off in traffic, the grocery store not having what I needed, etc. It was just TOO MUCH.
Hang in there. There WILL be a time after this. <3 Also, that video is SO CUTE.
Elisabeth
Thanks, J.
Things are already so much better. Just in those moments of panic/despair – gracious it can feel like the fog is never going to lift. But it does. I just wanted to blog about it because sometimes it can feel so isolating to be struggling mentally and when a little thing trips you up, it can feel like a personal failure.
Hopefully others can relate and feel less alone.
Another antidote is to start thinking up things for my Happy Things Friday post. Because weeks that have a bad day can still have lots of Happy Things in them; isn’t that wonderful?
J
I’m sorry for the double comment, my computer showed that it hadn’t posted yet, the text was still in the comment box. Why? No idea.
Elisabeth
I deleted the duplicate; hope that’s okay!
Kyria @ Travel Spot
Ug, I am sorry that you are struggling. Sometimes we just need to feel it, and be overwhelmed and let ourselves be in that feeling. I think that we all have these moments, in our own way, and I am so glad that you have Joy in your life (pun intended) so that you have someone to talk it out with, and to be honest with. I think much of the time we try to hide our feelings or say “fine” when someone asks how our weekend was and it is priceless to have a friend that you can talk to!
The video is super cute!! I have one of my friend’s daughter L at about 1.5 or maybe 2 years old trying to say my name, which is difficult, but it is so cute and when I need a pick me up, I watch that!
Elisabeth
Yes to this: Sometimes we just need to feel it, and be overwhelmed and let ourselves be in that feeling.
It always surprises me how much of a PHYSICAL response our body can have to emotional overwhelm. I’m feeling 1000X better today, but I really did need to feel it all. And getting to those points can help me break through things that are weighing me down.
Cute toddler videos are just…the best. It’s hard to recreate the magic of those early years fodder. They’re just SO ADORABLE and they don’t know it yet, which is the most important part <3
Nicole MacPherson
Sending big hugs, my friend. It’s hard to accept that we can’t do it all, we can’t make everyone happy – but we want to. That cartoon is spot on. I have been there, believe me! There will be a time after this. xoxoxo
Kat
Yes! I was literally going to say all these things Nicole. You are clearly a wise woman 🙂
Elisabeth
Thanks! There WILL be a time after this. And that “time” will likely come again…but then I’ll get through that experience, too. Life is full of ups and downs. Even with two steps forward and one back lately, I’m still making progress!
Jenny
Oh, that video. So cute, and now the phrase “all of the everything” will be a classic.
Of course I’m sorry you had such a rough day. I don’t have panic attacks or anxiety- my mental issue of choice is depression. Living in Florida (as much as I complain about the heat) definitely helps- I need a lot of sunlight- but every once in a while I succumb to the “this is all just going to get worse and worse until I die” mindset. It usually doesn’t last long, but when I lived up north it was my normal state for a good chunk of the year.
I read your response to J’s comment and hope you’re continuing to feel better. Also… I have to say that people who want “all of the everything” often end up doing extraordinary things. Gretchen Rubin might say “It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.” If you could tame the guilt (I know, easier said than done) and let that part of you that doesn’t want to accept limits shine, it might serve you well.
Hugs!
Elisabeth
Isn’t that video too much cuteness.
The dark, cold winters are HARD.
I am feeling so much better and actually made some pretty big decisions (about some next steps with work) that I think will go a long way in relieving at least some external stress so I can focus on coping with recovering from/dealing with ongoing challenges. Honestly, writing it all out was the cherry on top of starting to feel better again.
Aww. Love Gretchen Rubin and love the idea of it being a feature not a bug. What a great way to spin things. And I do think it’s true, at least in part, for me. These mental spirals often are my wakeup call to TAKE SOMETHING OUT of the equation when I’m trying to exceed my body’s energy budget/mental resources.
Colleen Martin
Oh girl, I so feel ya! I can spiral soooo easily because of a comment, minor setback, whatever. I think through decisions so much, and so when something changes it feels like a huge waste of my mental burden, and that is exhausting. I’ve had quite a few comments on my blog that have stung over the years, and one thing that actually seems to help me is to pray to forget them. Of course I can still remember them years later, but not in detail, and they don’t hurt as much once my brain stops replaying them.
Elisabeth
I’m so sorry you’ve had tough blog comments (to be clear, this wasn’t related to the blog, or by a blogging friend; just an “IRL” thing) – it is so hard to move on. Love your advice to pray to forget!
It’s so true that our mind remembers what it replays. It can be hard to eject the movie and play a better one, but it is possible and I’m working at that…slowly but surely <3
Suzanne
Sending you all the love, Elisabeth. I’m so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I appreciate and admire how you talk through your experiences and find the idea of being finite so powerful and thought provoking. It’s so true. None of us can be all of the everything. And still, you are enough. xxoo
Elisabeth
Thank you, Suzanne. And thanks for the e-mail and all the kind words and encouragement lately. It truly means a lot <3
Michelle
Elisabeth, I totally get this! I’ve always wanted to be all of the everything, too. But it has gotten better with age. It’s not gone, but it’s a lot better. I saw this great quote from Morgan Richard Oliver: Stop letting people that add so little to your life take up so much of your peace.
I love the video and the cartoon! You always cheer me up and inspire me, so thank you for that!
Elisabeth
Thanks for the kind words. I’m glad even a “hard’ post can be cheerful and inspiring, in a way.
Love that quote. I think sometimes it’s things/jobs/extracurriculars, too – that take a lot of time and don’t give a great return. These especially tough patches DO make me more aware of what is “life-giving” vs. “life-sucking” and can help me reset my priorities.
Tobia | craftaliciousme
I am sorry you had a rough day. Rough days. Long dark periods. It is now fun and it is nothing to wish to anyone. Glad you have an outlet by writing it all out here. Also how amazing that you were able to quickly get in touch with your therapist.
Hope lighter days are ahead.
Elisabeth
Thanks, Tobia <3
Daria
Awww what cute video!! Lightsaber, Chewbacca, Darth Vader! He is SO adorable. Hugging you and thanking you for sharing with us. I can usually be set off my a) parenting b)teaching LOL
Beckett @ Birchwood Pie
Yes guilt is my superpower as well. I’d like to think that I’ve gotten better, but it’s definitely there.
I’m sending big hugs. The story has no happy ending right now, but one day it will.
Joy
Oh friend, life sure takes a toll doesn’t it? Sending my love, and praying for you in the process of it all.
Elisabeth
Thanks for being there through…all the messy stuff – the best moments – over the last few years <3
coco
we all have this kind of days, that we want to feel better but we can’t and we are mad at ourselves for not feeling better already. The good thing is that we’ve had this kind of days many times before and we know we will get out of it sooner than we realize.
very cute video!!!
Elisabeth
Yes! It helps to remember that I’ve been in this place before and it gets better. Sometimes the getting better bit can just seem impossible in the moment; I guess that’s when we have to “trust the process.”
Lisa’s Yarns
That video is so darn cute! Look at his shaggy hair! I want all of the everything, too. We have had a pretty rough week+ in our house and I just want to wake up to everyone being healthy and cooperative. Ha. I can maybe hope for health, the cooperative part? Not so much. But at least no one has to be carried to the car kicking and screaming this morning. The bar for a ‘good’ morning is so incredibly low right now.
That cartoon is so apt. I feel that so much. I continue to be so freaking busy at work and it is not helping. Yesterday I had to tell myself to calm down and not let myself get overwhelmed. But I had call after call after call and 5 blinking trans messages and emails coming in and I just wanted to crawl under my desk and hide! 🙁
Elisabeth
Isn’t the hair too much? You should have seen the curly hair phase. Gah. Cuteness overload.
You have had a ROUGH week (and honestly, a pretty rough few years). I’m so sorry…and while I know that bar for “good” will get higher over the years, this season of life is hard. You know I get you 100% on this.
San
Uff. I can relate to this so much, Elisabeth. I think personality-wise, we’re so much alike. I want everything, too and as much as I keep working to stand up for myself and to say “no” to things/demands and try to not be a “people pleaser”, I want everyone to be happy with me. All the time. No exceptions.
I am commenting late, so I am happy to read in the comments that you’re already feeling much better and for that I am glad.
BTW, that video of L is the cutest and you’ll be amused to hear that we have a couple of videos of my niece and nephew from when they were little and we “quote” stuff that they said ALL THE TIME. 🙂
Elisabeth
Yes. You get me <3
We have soooo many quotes from when the kids were little. It's sad that the older they get the more they talk like adults, because the things they said when they were toddlers were just to die for...
Stephany
Oh man, do I understand this feeling. And when it happens, I, too, fall into that trap of thinking this will be my reality forever and nothing will ever be good again. It’s so hard to see goodness when you’re mired in the darkness. I have been there! I am so glad you had a friend you could talk to and a therapist to work through these emotions with. Those are super important things!
It’s hard being a people pleaser, isn’t it? We just want everyone to be happy with us at all times, but that’s just not the way things work. And it’s very frustrating!
Elisabeth
Hard and frustrating are good descriptions; but the storm passes and I feel like each time it does I add a few more “tools to my mental health toolbox.”