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The Optimistic Musings of a Pessimist The Optimistic Musings of a Pessimist
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The Best of One World?

Date
Dec, 05, 2023
Comments
47 Comments

Yesterday was a snow day. Historically, snow days fill me with the deepest level of despair. But this time, when I saw the message that schools were canceled, I leaned back in bed (no need to rush!) and realized – with surprise and delight – that my first reaction hadn’t been grumpiness or dread.

It was a feeling of…lightness?


For over a decade, I’ve been straddling two worlds: work and parenting. This does not make me special. It is normal for women, at least in modern Western society, to juggle work both within and without the home. On paper, since becoming a mother, I’ve always been someone with the equivalent of a more-than-part-time job while also being – for all intents and purposes – a full-time stay-at-home mom.

Unfortunately, for the majority of that time, I have felt like a giant failure in both categories. I didn’t have a big flashy career and I wasn’t hanging my hat on the stay-at-home hook. To be clear – these were both conscious decisions. We could have hired a nanny in the last few years so I could better immerse myself in work. Or, I could have stopped working entirely and focused solely on my parenting responsibilities. But I didn’t. I kept straddling. And there were good, multi-faceted reasons for making these decisions.

But I’ve found striving for the “best of both worlds” downright exhausting. Am I doing it all wrong? Am I stupid? What. am. I. missing? Shouldn’t I feel at least quasi-capable at this point in my life?

In 2024 – for the first time in adulthood – I’m scaling back external responsibilities (at least temporarily) to leverage the perks of my role as a mother, while prioritizing my own mental and physical well-being.


Lots of women seem to have found a path to the best of both worlds and I think this is tremendous. To truly enjoy a fulfilling career and parenthood simultaneously is wonderful. What a blessing. That may be me one day! Of course, balance is always going to be somewhat elusive – kids get sick, work deadlines are inherently stressful. (And for some/many mothers there is no choice; forget the best of both worlds, they’re just trying to keep their heads above water financially and emotionally.) But within a particular demographic (including myself) for which there is more flexibility and choice, I wonder if the “best of both worlds” title simply denotes when the work/home arrangement is a net positive.

I tried, really I did. But I wasn’t managing the best of both worlds. I didn’t feel like I was able to put my best effort in to either world and I felt less than because of it. My work outputs were fine. My parenting was fine. Honestly, I’m not convinced my parenting will be any better after scaling back my work commitments.

But I’m so ready for a change of pace.

In addition to being a Year of Rest, I’m classifying 2024 as my year to focus on one – smaller – world. Myself. My family. My home. My parents. My friends-who-feel-like-family. Work will still happen (two part-time roles!), but in and around my other decided priorities.

The Best of One World* isn’t a flashy title…but I think it will beat Mediocre in Two Worlds.

*Full disclosure. Best doesn’t mean perpetually happy or easy. By 5:30 pm yesterday I was rage-cleaning my refrigerator. This is how I channel inner angst. Snow days with two children in possession of larger-than-life personalities – that clash dramatically with one another – are not for the faint of heart. Still, it was progress to not be filled with dread upon receiving the cancellation update…even if that sense of “lightness” was fleeting.


Thoughts? This is a big topic with many layers and once again I want to acknowledge my profound privilege in being able to make many of these major life choices both financially and relationally.

Header photo by NASA on Unsplash

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47 Comments

  1. Reply

    Grateful Kae

    December 5, 2023

    I’m glad you posted about this! I was wondering since you commented the other day about scaling back your job- does this mean you’re still doing one part-time job but just not multiple part-time jobs? Or fully SAHM now? Regardless, I’m so happy you have taken a step toward whatever you think will help you feel most at peace! Honestly it is so much to work full time or even close to full time or whatever and do all the household and mom things too. I often struggle with feeling like there really just is not enough time. I think the only way it can feel “easier” maybe is having tons of extra outside help and resources to lighten the load. But that is not always feasible for many of us! We don’t have cleaners or helpers or errand runners or gardeners or drivers or anything like that, so it all adds up to be SO much to balance. And even for those who do have lots of help it stills seems to be overwhelming for them. So I think it’s just a universal challenge. I don’t have the answers. In my dream world I think I would work part time. I’d love a couple weekdays off to take care of household things and then not feel so crammed on the weekends or evenings or like life is always such a juggling act. But that’s not really an option, so full time it is! Not that I’m complaining- I do have a lot of flexibility in my job which SAVES my life. I couldn’t imagine being in office 7-5 M-F plus commute or something right now. It would be so extra hard. This is a big topic and I’ll look forward to seeing what others have to say about it!

    Anyway, I’m so happy for you and wishing you the best in this new era!

    1. Reply

      Elisabeth

      December 5, 2023

      So I had three part-time jobs, but really one of those jobs took the majority of my mental headspace. So I’m down to two part-time jobs now but they have a LOT more flexibility and it’s just lower stakes overall.

      It’s such a hard balance and there definitely isn’t one “right” answer. I think some people just generally have more energy and that helps…a lot. I tend to be a low-energy introvert, so I realize that complicates the dynamic. I’m also Type-A, a worrier…again, none of this helps! If I was a satisficer and had high energy, I suspect my feelings on this topic would be different.

      I did try to get more part-time childcare for this fall, but it fell through. It is SO hard to get part-time care, and if we got full-time care I really WOULD need to work as much if not more. I also feel like having help in “part-time” ways can be a lot of extra work. For example, a few years ago (when I started the project management job and was FLOUNDERING with all the responsibilities), we hired someone to clean the bathrooms/floors every two weeks. In the end, I stopped outsourcing cleaning because it just felt like another thing to manage. Making sure I didn’t need the upstairs that day, getting things quasi-prepped, working around snow days (our cleaner had kids, too)…so it’s not like there is an easy answer to all the challenges and it’s not even that throwing money at the “problem” will magically solve all the issues either.

      Also, where we live – relatively rural Canada – there aren’t a lot of childcare options. VERY few people have a nanny. No one we know has a driver. Afterschool options are generally short. Really, our society is designed for one parent to always be home…but then as Sarah notes above, the economic reality is that for more families both parents HAVE to work. Which is great. I think I would have struggled less with my entry into motherhood if I’d had a career I loved but for many reasons (mostly financial, we simply couldn’t afford childcare when the kids were little), it just wasn’t feasible for me to not be primarily a SAHM.

  2. Reply

    Melissa

    December 5, 2023

    This is a massive topic. I think everyone has different energy levels, abilities, passions, temperaments and circumstances and in the end, you just need to do you. BUT it is so hard to do. Even when people aren’t judging us, we think they are … but I do think a lot of the time there is so much judgement around what mothers do. So often if the dad does anything (although I know this is changing) it’s “Wow what a great dad” … meanwhile Mum is in the background doing all the things and it’s just expected and unremarkable. With three kids and my husband travelling full time work wouldn’t have been a good thing for our family. I mean, we could have made it work but we all would have been miserable. The chaos and the rush would not have been good, especially as I get easily drop into low energy. I’m sure though there were some thoughts and judgments around all the study I did that never got used. Fortunately, we could make that decision. The good thing is that once the kids have got older I was able to do some theology study (that was originally to keep me from feeling like my brain was atrophying), some ministry work and my part-time job which has provided a few more challenges. When I get the intrusive thoughts that I’m “lazy, unmotivated, not organised enough, not driven enough, letting down the women can have everything camp” … I just squash them back down hard. And take another look at my values and priorities. I don’t think I’ve helped much, except to affirm that this is hard!

    1. Reply

      Elisabeth

      December 5, 2023

      You hit the nail on the head, Melissa. This is such a great summary: “I think everyone has different energy levels, abilities, passions, temperaments and circumstances and in the end, you just need to do you. BUT it is so hard to do.”

      YES! Energy levels play into my life a lot. Also, having a spouse that travels 40% of the time very concretely impacts my flexibility.

      I think in addition to judgement you’ve hit on another interesting point – wasting education. I think some of my decision to take the project management role was to appease my own guilt over not “living up to my potential.” Again, I think if I found the perfect job it would make sense to work very hard to find the necessary supports to allow me to do both a big career and motherhood…but to take/stay in a role for guilt is just not a good reason!

      And yes, this feels hard because it is hard.

  3. Reply

    coco

    December 5, 2023

    This is a personal topic, one that it’s measured by only us. I feel I am getting the best of many worlds, work, parenting, family, hobbies. I used to think that I needed to balance them out to get a bit of everything. Now that my life style has changed as we moved out from the US, and got help at work and at home, I got extra time to be able to do all that I want to the extend I want most of the time. It’s true that some weeks I am focusing more at work, not dedicating 100% to the kids or husband, but I know that the following weeks I’ll shift back to them, and everyone understands that.
    I guess what I learned is to change my expectation about getting it all. I get them all, just not at the same time, and that’s actually better than having them all at the same time as I wouldn’t appreciate them as much. Not sure if it all makes sense.
    I am very happy for you to make the decision to make a change when you are not fully satisfied with the current arrangement. It may work, it may not, but you wouldn’t know unless you try it.

    1. Reply

      Elisabeth

      December 5, 2023

      A helpful perspective. And yes, to “having it all” but not “all at the same time.” I think we do have this expectation that we can have it all, all the time, and all at the SAME time. That’s too much pressure to put on ourselves!

  4. Reply

    Sarah

    December 5, 2023

    I think for most people it’s a money thing. Full stop.

    And we invent all sorts of tortured rhetoric to disguise it– not WE as in families, but we as in western culture. There’s a feminist economist I adore who argues that second wave feminism is not the reason women “got to” go to work. Instead, economic policies from post WWII forward crushed the economy and forced all able bodied people into the labor force. It became a financial impossibility for one salary to support a family.

    Capitalism amped up family forward rhetoric to disguise the lack of ANY POLICY or social safety net to support families.

    This argument is super persuasive to me.

    Middle class women are set up to internalize economic structural inequality and experience the effects of an unequal, universal system as a personal choice/failing.

    Ugh. Neoliberalism/late stage capitalism is the pits. Hope your show day was not, rage fridge cleaning and all 🙂

    1. Reply

      Elisabeth

      December 5, 2023

      Yup. Bottom line is frequently financial (sometimes out of necessity, too!). It’s a bit of a vicious circle, though. Because if you have kids, outsourcing care can cost A LOT OF MONEY. This is wonderful if you love your job (again, I think some people really do strike an incredible balance of the “best of both worlds”)…but if you don’t love your job, yet it really undermines your ability to handle things at home, that’s a big investment of resources. Gah.

      I also know that women are encouraged to consider the long game. Kids don’t stay kids forever and getting out of the workforce early has major repercussions for a career later in life (this time 10 years from now, both kids will very likely be out of the house). What a complicated topic and I have no idea where I’ll end up. For now, though, focussing more on home responsibilities feels like the right thing to do.

      I think I need to audit one of your classes on this topic 🙂

      The snow day was good – rage cleaning and all. Parenting is just hard, with or without external work stress.

  5. Reply

    Jan Coates

    December 5, 2023

    I’m so happy this was a choice you could make, and that you’re going with your gut. Back in the day, I stayed home with my kids, but I always found some way to earn a bit of income – I suppose to justify my staying home, but eventually I figured out that I am a “maker” – toddlers’ clothing, books, and now art – I am a person who makes things. Period. Maybe you’ll discover some interesting things about yourself now that you’ll have more time to think:)

    1. Reply

      Elisabeth

      December 5, 2023

      Thanks, Jan. There is definitely an element of “guilt” and “justification” – and I’ve been doing that for a long time. I think letting go of that guilt/”I need to earn this” mentality is one of my big aims for 2024.

      I’m excited to have more time to think <3

  6. Reply

    Jenny

    December 5, 2023

    Hooray!!! I wish every woman had the opportunity to “just” be a mom if that’s what she wants. After my son was born I thought I would at least work part time- but we had no family or close friends down here (definitely no friends with small children.) My husband’s schedule was erratic and sometimes VERY busy- like working every day and evening. I just couldn’t figure out a way to manage work and childcare, so I ended up staying home. I LOVED IT! I mean… some of the days were very very long, but I was just so relieved not to have to juggle everything. My son and I have such a good relationship now- which is not to say you can’t send your kids to daycare and have a great relationship with them! But he’ll even say “Mom and I have a special bond” and I think part of that was forged in those years where it was just him and me.
    Having said all that, I totally understand the other side of the story, women who work full time, love their jobs, and don’t want to stay home. I think it’s different for everyone. And like you said- some people have no choice. But I’m glad you have the choice now to cut back on your work and enjoy your life and family more!

    1. Reply

      Elisabeth

      December 5, 2023

      You make some interesting observations and I wonder how my parenting would have been impacted if I hadn’t worked (at least part-time) since A had been born. I have always felt too pulled/stretched (again, much of this is due to my own personality/low energy levels).

      I didn’t make the choice to step back (and couldn’t – when we were co-founding the businesses I was the main wage-earner) before now, but it feels right in this stage. I wasn’t ready mentally before now (though I needed it!); I think it feels like a pin in my ego to primarily be “just” a SAHM. But this IS a full-time job. And we are raising the next generation!

      So many layers for sure and I don’t pretend to have it even partially figured out…

  7. Reply

    Shelly

    December 5, 2023

    I agree with Coco that it is individual but yet we are pushed one “having/doing it all” message. That just isn’t realistic. With health, energy levels, different personalities, commutes, etc. I could keep naming variables, but the idea here is that we take the pieces and work with what we have.
    Do I take that advice? No. I feel guilty for the things I wish I did differently. Especially around screen time choices and sports for the kids. Although the pandemic threw a huge wrench in and veered things way off course for us and I’m still trying to fix some of that for our family.
    All this to say, I’m happy to see you making a choice for 2024 that speaks to who you are and what you need in this current phase.

    1. Reply

      Elisabeth

      December 5, 2023

      I think we’re bombarded with a lot more messaging about what our family/careers should look like. Before social media and the internet, I think people tended to take their cues from close family/friends. Now we can be looking at people like the Kardashians for inspiration. Somehow we project their lives (with chefs and drivers and live-in nannies) and expect we can replicate the same outcomes. I realize this is a gross oversimplification of the narrative, but I just don’t think many women feel comfortable admitting that the balance of work/home/parenting is just…exhausting.

  8. Reply

    NGS

    December 5, 2023

    I don’t know how parents do it, full stop. Working parents, stay at home parents, whatever. How do you ever spend quality time with your kids? I wake up, walk the dog, get ready for work, WORK, get home, walk the dog, exercise, walk the dog, make and eat dinner, and then I’m getting ready for bed. If I had children, when would I ever even see them, let alone do the PARENTING things? Kudos to all parents because you must have some magical organizational skills I could only dream of having.

    So basically I have nothing to add to this conversation other than I have a deep admiration for all parents, regardless of what choices they make in terms of working, volunteering, and rage cleaning.

    1. Reply

      Elisabeth

      December 6, 2023

      Well, I can definitely speak to the rage cleaning (better than rage yelling, I think?…at least my fridge looks better).

      It is hard to juggle it all. Though I would say when I see someone with pets the thought is SO overwhelming to me. Fitting in care and maintenance of a living (non-human) creature seems like So. Much. Work.

      I think we tend to rise to the occasion of our circumstances. If I didn’t have kids, I’d be busy. If you didn’t have pets you’d still be busy? It’s just…a different busy and I think we accommodate for what we have on our plates. It was just feeling like too much on my plate (proverbially speaking; I do love a big plate for my favourite foods :))

  9. Reply

    mbmom11

    December 5, 2023

    This resonates with me – I have a degree that would easily allow me to work full time, but I have only worked part time (except for one crazy year) since my husband started working. However, without any family or close friends nearby, things were very hard. I lucked into great daycare/sitting situations that allowed part time care. However, some years it did seem like most of my salary went to them! However, it allowed for the balance of enough work to keep me active and plenty of time and attention for the kids.
    Now, with older kids, I could go full time, but I actually feel I need to be home more due to the nature of my younger kids. However, I get anxious after a few weeks at home. I am not crafty or handy, so I feel the need to contribute in some way (other than keeping the kids alive ).
    I will say, after the birth of my daughter with special needs (of course in the year I worked full time!), I did pull back on some things – to concentrate my energies on my family as I was stretched to the emotional brink. I’ve added some things back in as she’s grown (and I’m not so tenuous!) but I still am ready to say no.

    1. Reply

      Elisabeth

      December 6, 2023

      Keeping the kids alive IS a big job, but I also feel the same. It’s hard to balance the workload of motherhood/home care with a desire to actually make use of our education and talents. I think it was just being pulled too hard in both directions and the easiest path of relief for me was to scale back work. I 100% see this wouldn’t be feasible – or the right decision – for many women. I’m legitimately curious about how I’ll feel in a year. Will I want to ramp things back up? Maybe I’ll actually feel…rested? For the first time in a decade.

      And it is SO smart to be ready to say No. Why is “No” so hard for us as women. Also, it is a complete sentence. I’m working on that, and have gotten a lot better about it this year.

  10. Reply

    Lisa’s Yarns

    December 5, 2023

    I am so glad you were able to make this change. I think it will be so good for you to take a step back. With how much John travels, so much falls on your shoulders! And it’s hard to account for that unseen labor or the unseen pressure that falls on you.

    We have found a balance that works pretty well for us overall. I am happy with my life because I derive so much joy and satisfaction from my job. I feel like a monster saying this but I am far happier working 40+ hours outside the home than I would be if I was home full time with my children. I am just not cut out for it. It’s too bad I feel a sense of shame about this because no one expects men to have this strong desire to stay home with their kids. And yet we ask that of moms – on top of all of the demands the woman goes through to bring kids into the world. We just finished watching Band of Brothers and afterwards we were talking about the draft and Phil jokingly asked if I had to register for the draft. I said – sure, as soon as they figure out how men can get pregnant and potentially breast feed the child, I will sign up for the draft.

    Anyways I am getting off topic here. Every family has to decide what is best for them and what results in happy, healthy moms and dads. My sister has a similar role to you. Her husband is in the military and travels a ton. They have 2 young kids and she has a PT flexible nursing role (similar to what Kae does). She keeps doing it because it makes her feel good about herself. She is considering getting part time child care when they move for his next role and I told her to not look at the financial benefit of it. Chances are they will not break even when considering the cost of childcare and what she makes. But that decision doesn’t factor in the value of her being happy and fulfilled.

    1. Reply

      Kat

      December 5, 2023

      I am in the same boat as Lisa: my career is super important to me and give me a lot of happiness/fulfillment and it drives me crazy that society and my mother/MIL make me feel guilty for working (e.g., when the kids are sick and my husband stays home with them they ask why I didn’t!!!). Emily Oster had a great guest on her podcast, ParentData recently that wrote a book on self care and the thing that resonated with me is what Emily said to her: “having a career outside the home IS a form of self care for me”. Lisa, I’m guessing you agree. I definitely do. Link: https://parentdata.org/self-care-without-candles/

      1. Reply

        Lisa's Yarns

        December 5, 2023

        Yes, I 100% agree, Kat! I have that podcast in my queue – I need to listen to it. I get comments from extended family about my work, especially since I travel. A lot of it is passive aggressive comments about how much Phil has to do when I travel, etc. I think they think he is a complete martyr. I am very appreciative that he is the at home parents and I try to be vocal about that as I do think it’s the harder job to be the at home parent when a spouse is traveling. But Phil and I have had a lot of conversations about my travel and I try to check in often to make sure the amount of travel is still manageable. But I don’t think my sister gets nearly the amount of accolades for the tremendous amount of solo parenting she does since it’s more accepted for her gender!

        1. Elisabeth

          December 6, 2023

          Definitely way more “accepted” for Mom to be home solo! Either way you slice things, being home solo is intense, regardless of gender.

      2. Reply

        Elisabeth

        December 6, 2023

        Thanks for sharing this link. And I’m so happy you have such a great balance! Yay!

    2. Reply

      Elisabeth

      December 6, 2023

      Yes! We had some part-time preschool for both kids and it was mostly for both my – and their – sanity. I am a huge proponent of that breathing room.

      It’s very hard when a spouse travels, if you don’t have dedicated support like grandparents/a nanny, and I know that has really coloured my experience about parenting. I think we’ve done great with it through the years, all things considering, but it is INTENSE to so frequently be the only one home/responsible. It’s basically like being on call. I would never, ever compare it to single parenting which would involve so many more layers of complexity, but I’m sure I would be able to relate closely to your sister <3

  11. Reply

    Sophie

    December 5, 2023

    Thank you for sharing this and hooray for feeling lightness instead of stress on news of a snow day! That’s the gut instinct telling you it’s the right decision. I have previously worked 3 part-time jobs many years ago and I think it’s harder than one role, the mental switching is particularly tough. PLUS two kids and a husband who travels- it’s a lot, no matter your energy level!

    I’m one of those women who love their career and have a pretty big role, but it’s also hugely flexible and I am the manager so I don’t (usually) feel that panic when a kid is sick etc, and I can go to kid things during work hours so for me that is the key to working full-time. However as the kids get older (they are 3 and 6) I think how nice it would be to work 25 hours a week and do school pickup etc every day. I read The Good Enough Job a couple of months ago and it inspired me to put less emphasis on work in my life, which has actually been really helpful from a balance/stress perspective. At the moment, however, I’m the main bread winner so there is no option to drop to part-time. In another year or two I’ll re-consider. I’ve discovered it’s possible to be career driven and want to work part-time too! I guess I just remind myself how lucky I am to have a good job and healthy kids and options in life! But it’s still not always easy even when life is objectively good.

    1. Reply

      Elisabeth

      December 6, 2023

      YES! You raise such an important and relevant point. Having three part-time jobs is a mental game. Switching back and forth between roles – and e-mails/contacts/styles of communication – is tough. And yes, add in two kids, a husband, and some tricky life situations (and COVID!)…and I think I am just really tired of being pulled mentally and physically in so many different directions.

      Love this: “I’ve discovered it’s possible to be career driven and want to work part-time too!” It strikes me as a great partner to the FIRE movement.

  12. Reply

    SHU

    December 5, 2023

    I think you did a great job explaining that you are doing this FOR YOU – and I fully support this valid choice even as I very much believe the women who want to work should be able to do that, too. I get a little (maybe a lot) frustrated with arguments that women “should” stay home because it’s better for everyone, but that is not true in every case – I am pretty sure I would have been miserable as a SAHM esp when my kids were young, and I don’t think it would have been better for anyone (and plus . .. . don’t I count, too?).

    But in your case, you are doing this to experience parenting in a different way, and because you can (which you acknowledge is not a given in many cases, as Sarah points out). And i think that’s awesome! And I’m excited for you!!

    1. Reply

      Elisabeth

      December 6, 2023

      I think my parenting won’t change that much. I’ve always been at all the games/practices/concerts sort of thing. I just hope that my ATTITUDE toward parenting will be better. Mostly, as selfish as it might sound to some people, I just really want to experience LIFE in a different way. I’ve gone right from one big thing to the next with literally a week in between (high school, summer jobs, undergrad, graduate degree, marriage, kids…). Again not claiming this is anything extraordinary, but I have the chance to slow down and, I dunno, do a yoga video at 11 am on a Tuesday. Which sounds pretty great.

      I’m excited too and I LOVE that you’re excited for me <3 Thanks for being such an encouraging voice to women who work and parent!

  13. Reply

    Beckett @ Birchwood Pie

    December 5, 2023

    Here’s to the best of one world! Once you step back from work if you don’t like it then you can get back in it easy enough. But you can’t really do that with parenthood (unless you hire a full time staff to take care of the kids and the house…yeah ’nuff said).

    You’ve worked hard to get where you are and you have earned your time off!

    1. Reply

      Elisabeth

      December 6, 2023

      Yes! I’m giving myself a runway of at least a year and hopefully sticking to that (I have a hard time saying No…but I really do think I need to stay strict to that timeline). And then a year from now I can reassess and see what do I want to do. Need to/have to do? Maybe at some point financially I’ll HAVE to work closer to full-time? And that’s okay. But I don’t need to be a martyr about being burned out when I have some exit options!

  14. Reply

    Joy

    December 5, 2023

    Thing is, from where I sit, you have done a fantastic job in both worlds but it took a toll on YOU. You don’t drop the ball and you do more than enough of all the good stuff for the people you love and the responsibilities you carry – you don’t let people down…but you have paid a price. I’m so proud of you for stepping back to give yourself more of the rest you need and deserve. May it pay you dividends for years to come and help inspire whatever further adventures await future Elisabeth!

    1. Reply

      Elisabeth

      December 6, 2023

      Love this, friend. As selfish as it all makes me feel, to be completely honest – this year of rest is primarily for ME. I think it will make me a more productive worker, loving spouse, caring/patient parent…but at the end of the day, I’m looking for MY SOUL and MY BODY to be refreshed.

      <3

  15. Reply

    Rachel

    December 6, 2023

    Oh what a great post! I’m so excited to read more about your year of rest. I think everyone’s “balance” is different and I cannot imagine how hard it is to have a job and a partner who travels so much. My husband and I both had jobs where we were required to be away from home for one day a week (6am to 8pm) and he decided it was too hard even to manage this and has switched to a local 9-5. I am always in awe of people who can manage kids with a partner who travels… let alone manage a job AND kids with a partner that travels!

    I am really keen to hear more of your thoughts on this as your year progresses. I’m glad to hear the snow day didn’t phase you too much either.

    1. Reply

      Elisabeth

      December 6, 2023

      It is a lot to juggle the solo parenting, and I think some of my decision comes from the cumulative burnout of doing it for 12+ years. A LOT of tough things have happened over that stretch of time, so it’s not necessarily a straw breaking the camel’s back…the camel’s back is just really, really sore from all those years of juggling a lot of different things.

      The snow day wasn’t horrible which feels like a great start <3

  16. Reply

    Kyria @ Travel Spot

    December 6, 2023

    Coming from someone without kids, I don’t think that you are giving yourself enough credit. Like Engie said, she can barely work and walk the dog and people like you (and a lot of the above commenters) are doing that and then some. You don’t need to be the best at everything; it is okay to be good at many things (also I think the scale for parenting is very subjective anyway). I don’t think you are being mediocre at anything; you are probably pretty good at most things. However, I think it is great that you are taking a step back on the job front and focusing things more on the self/family/friends front. It sounds to me like you are experiencing a bit of burnout and I think it’s important to realize that and to do something about it, so I think you are on the right track! I can’t wait to follow along with you during your year of “rest!”

    1. Reply

      Elisabeth

      December 6, 2023

      Yes this this!! “You don’t need to be the best at everything; it is okay to be good at many things (also I think the scale for parenting is very subjective anyway).”

      I think my personality is a big part of my burnout. I WANT to be the best at everything I try and then end up feeling defeated when I a) can’t be the best and b) the time it takes to push hard in so many areas of life.

  17. Reply

    Nicole MacPherson

    December 6, 2023

    This is a huge topic and one that has so much nuance. I want to recommend a book! My friend told me about a book called Burnout and it is SO good. I think you would find much that would resonate. It’s about dealing with stress through rest, with rest meaning different things to different people. It also talks about body image and the power of human connection. Rather than just write a comment that is an entire book, I am going to recommend this to you! I think you’ll find it especially resonant going into your Year of Rest.
    I like the concept of the best of one world – we often spread ourselves way too thin!

    1. Reply

      Elisabeth

      December 6, 2023

      Thanks. I had that book a few months ago from the library…and was too busy to read it. Ironic? Yes, I think so.

      I am going to re-order it right this second. One of my hopes for my Year of Rest is to read more!!

  18. Reply

    Daria

    December 6, 2023

    I love this topic, thank you for sharing with us your year of change. Well done on figuring it out and advocating for yourself!

    Like Lisa and Kat (above) I cannot imagine my life without teaching. Education is my bread, butter, and water lol My job is my security blanket and a safe haven in tough times, believe it or not. It grounds me, provides inspiration, and makes me feel validated. I will always be working unless some health issue makes me stop working.

    Another reason: my mom. She was a tremendously talented kindergarten teacher that quit her career after she had kids. She always regretted it and kind of took it out on my brother and I yet never went back to work, just continued to be miserable. Also, when my dad and her started having problems and were talking about divorce and separation, she realized that, because she didn’t have “career years” she couldn’t collect support from the state. So she practically had nothing, absolutely nothing to fall back on. Financially, I mean. They ended up not divorcing and continued living together but that thought is scary for me: if T and I ever separate or divorce (morbid, I know you just never know) I do not want to end up like my mom.
    Anyway, a whole blog post but I’m thankful to you for a thought-provoking discussion.

    1. Reply

      Elisabeth

      December 6, 2023

      I just love that teaching offers you so much, Daria. This is wonderful and such a gift to love your job so much, especially when it’s something that is so valuable (a great teacher CHANGES LIVES).

      I’m so, so sorry about the challenges faced in your family growing up. That is so hard and you make an important point about fiscal problems that arise via divorce, widowhood etc. I am very glad I have the level of education I have and realize that if I HAD to work full-time, I definitely could.

  19. Reply

    San

    December 7, 2023

    I am so happy you’re able to make the choice that is right for YOU, Elisabeth. I think there is no right or wrong way to do it, just YOUR way to do this. I am definitely in awe of women who juggle it all… but if it takes a toll on you, it’s good to assess that and make necessary changes. We’re all pulled into so many directions these days, and moms even more so, and I think it’s a great skill to hone into what is good for us, not what others think is good for us.

    1. Reply

      Elisabeth

      December 7, 2023

      Yes to all of this. Sometimes we want to fit ourselves into a box that society seems to suggest is one-size-fits-all. Truth is, we all have different limits and extenuating circumstances and it feels great to have this chance to sit back – literally – and relax a bit. Or so I hope. Let’s see what life curveballs come along in 2024!

  20. Reply

    Happy Things Friday: 8 December – https://optimisticmusings.com

    December 8, 2023

    […] had our first snowstorm and…I didn’t hate it. Admittedly, by the time everyone was on their second full set of winter gear and there were […]

  21. Reply

    Anne

    December 13, 2023

    Nothing profound to add, really, and since I don’t have kids I can’t in any way know your experiences and challenges. I can read about them, and try to sympathize, but again, no first-hand knowledge.

    Also, I second (third?) what Engie and Kyria said. From my perspective, all parents are amazing. And I honestly do not know how you all do it. That said, I also think everyone balances what they do and try to do it in a way that works for them. Your way wasn’t working and I love that you found a way that – I hope hope hope – will give you an opportunity to see if it works better for YOU. I hope this doesn’t come off as insensitive or uncaring – just know that I am out here, cheering you on, and hoping that this way – YOUR way – is better for you. <3

  22. Reply

    Demerits and Gold Stars: November 2023 - January 2024 - The Optimistic Musings of a Pessimist

    January 11, 2024

    […] Stepping down from my project management role. This was a big decision but absolutely the right one. […]

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    Is There Something About Thirty-Seven? - The Optimistic Musings of a Pessimist

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    […] I am thirty-seven. I’ve resigned from a job in the last year. I’m currently taking a five-night sabbatical from parenting and home management. This post […]

  24. Reply

    Happy Things Friday: 20 September - The Optimistic Musings of a Pessimist

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    […] to step down from my most demanding work position was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made and I realized that afresh with the start of a […]

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