I feel like our family is forever tinkering with how we manage domestic responsibilities. And by our family, of course, you likely understand this is mostly instigated by moi. Some of the changes only impact me – for example, if I’m the one doing laundry (and I am primarily the one who does laundry in our household), I separate loads into small items (think socks and underwear) and larger items (tops, bottoms). In a few months, I will almost certainly tweak – if not completely overhaul – this system. Partially because what works in one season, either literally or figuratively, won’t work in another. But also because I like trying to hack chores to make them more efficient and/or pleasant.
Lately, I’ve been thinking more generally about our standard house responsibilities. I handle most of the laundry and general cleaning – dusting, bathrooms. John/Eufy stay on top of keeping floors vacuumed. A empties the dishwasher. L is responsible for garbage.
But I was finding myself standing in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon staring at a clean dishwasher – a pile of dirty dishes on the counter – and thinking: I have to wait until A comes home to empty the dishwasher.
Um, no…I don’t. While by default emptying the dishwasher is her job, I’ve started doing it when it’s more convenient for me to do so. When the garbage cans get more full than I’d like and it’s not garbage day, it’s okay if I empty them instead of L. While I wash and dry clothes, traditionally I’ve had the kids put their own items away. But some days this means I can guarantee the clean clothes will end up in a heap on their desk because they have an evening activity. IT IS OKAY FOR ME TO PUT AWAY THEIR CLEAN CLOTHES. Also, I can do it one day, and not do it the next. They will still learn how to use hangers properly. Or, if they don’t, that is their future problem…not mine.
The flip side to this is I have increasingly been asking the kids to help with odd jobs – getting things from our small chest freezer in the basement, taking organic materials out to the compost bin. When I have a series of tasks in front of me, I’m delegating a lot. Not according to specific rules about who does what, but from the perspective of: We’re all in this together. Team effort! I feel like I have liberty to ask more than I did before because it’s more of a cooperative approach to household management.
A can straighten the shoes in the entry and dust-bust the corner while I finish supper prep. L can go get me a new bottle of dishwashing detergent and pull dry laundry from the machine.
Are they always happy about helping out? NO. Do I still expect them to do their set tasks when I ask it of them (dishwasher and garbage)? YES. But there’s a bit more flexibility for all of us which has felt…really good.
Your turn. Do you have set “chore” responsibilities in your household? If so, who does what? Do you have any flexibility in those roles? What were your chores as a child?
Header photo by Kyle Arcilla on Unsplash
mbmom11
We don’t have set chores usually. I’m mostly in charge and will delegate as needed. My boys are pretty good at sorting laundry, and they do put their own stuff away. My teens usually start doing their own, but with one I ran into the trouble of her having too many clothes so she’d have 4 dirty loads hiding. So I did it instead. She’s in college now and does two small loads a week- so me doing her laundry to keep me sane didn’t hurt.
I think my problem is that for may years there were babies, and it was easier for me to have kids watch the baby so I could get things done. The kids pick up their rooms, and help with general clean up and putting dishes away. We’re trying to foster the mindset of look around and see what needs to be done.
The only chore we pay the kids for is lawn mowing.
Elisabeth
Sometimes it is easier to do it myself…and I make sure they understand HOW to do things, but that doesn’t mean they always have to. Obviously a balancing act, is is most of parenting…
I’m currently paying A a small amount to do some Christmas wrapping for me, but that is worth every penny.
Jenny
This makes a ton of sense. You can’t be too rigid about things. Angie is supposed to take her clean clothes from the living room and put them away, but last night she didn’t. Then as I was dropping her off at school she mentioned a couple friends were coming over after school- when I got home and saw the clothes (including bras and underwear) sitting in the living room I thought “Oh great! That’s nice, with people coming over.” OR, I could just put them away.
I would say in your house, I do most of the little things (like laundry, dishes, general tidying- although my husband does help with those) and my husband is in charge of the bigger things. Sometimes I grumble about my chores, but then when the toilet overflows or the garbage disposal leaks, my husband is the one getting out the plunger or the wet vac- so I guess I’m pretty happy with our system.
Elisabeth
Sounds like a good system, to me!
J
When my daughter was young, she had very set chores that were her responsibility. As she is a full grown adult now, she still does dishes on weeknights, but otherwise she sees something that needs doing and does it. Same with my husband, he sees something, he takes care of it. I do most of the cooking and laundry during the week, since I work from home. I do very little in the way of chores when they are home.
Elisabeth
Really sounds like a great team effort – which is the way things tend to work best in a family. Gold stars!
Ally Bean
We don’t have set “chore” responsibilities and lean into being flexible about who does what. That being said I won’t dispose of dead critters in the yard. I leave that kind of event to my husband.
Elisabeth
We all have to draw the line somewhere, I suppose…and dead critters in the yard sounds like a VERY reasonable line to me.
Beckett @ Birchwood Pie
Exactly what you said about set chores. Chores in our house started before I joined the family, and for whatever reason my husband just accepted the boys doing them at their convenience and only doing half the chore if the other brother wasn’t around. It took way longer than you can begin to imagine to get through to my husband that I wasn’t going to wait around all day to have the dishwasher emptied or watch an argument break out every trash day. We are finally at the point where if the dishwasher needs emptied that the first kid to see it will ACTUALLY EMPTY THE DISHWASHER IN A TIMELY MANNER WITHOUT LEAVING THE OTHER HALF FOR HIS BROTHER.
I like the approach of making whatever needs to be done into a shared activity, which is how my husband handles any projects that come up on the weekends that we have the boys.
Melissa
When we first started with chores it generally meant me asking whoever was around to help out. The catalyst for changing to set chores was when we had an exchange student for the year who was never around when the jobs were being doled out because she spent a lot of time in her room. I didn’t think it was fair that the kids had to work and she didn’t so we bought in a rotation system of jobs.
Now our son has to clean his bedroom and bathroom. I do the rest of the house. My husband helps with laundry and cleans up after dinner because I cook.
Elisabeth
This makes a lot of sense and I suspect we’ll get back to a rotation system over time as the kids get older and busier.
I hate cleaning up after I cook, but my husband is content to leave things on the counter longer than I am…so I generally clean up, too. Might be time to chat about this!!!
sarah
“Also, I can do it one day, and not do it the next. ” THIS!! This is the realization I have been so slow to come to that is OF COURSE so true. I tend to think the jobs that have been divided stay divided forever OR ELSE and that’s way less helpful than the flexible frame you discuss. But so hard. This post really resonates with me. (And there is the other side, too: If I decide to do someone else’s job because it makes my life easier this one time, I have to remember that’s ON ME and not on them for not being there at the magical moment to do the job on my schedule)
Elisabeth
Yes to all of this. I also struggle to remember that sometimes I do the jobs because it makes me feel good (ie. I’ll often pick up the kids room to a higher level of cleanliness because it makes ME feel good) doesn’t mean I’m locked into doing x,y,z forever.
Diane
This fall we’ve started having a chore spinner for our evening chores because the kids were always complaining about their assigned post dinner duties. (I actually just posted about this current set up). I had been assigning the simpler chores to the youngest kid, which made the bigger kids a little resentful. So now chores assignments are done via spinner- if a little kid gets a big chore then they get some help from a grown up, and also once in a while the oldest will get an easy chore and that makes her less grumbly.
I do agree it’s an ever evolving thing, though- the kids change, our routines change, our household needs change.
Then I also think there is a two fold aspect to this corner of raising humans, right? I want them to learn to develop good habits and see the value in routine to every day organization, but also I want them to be open and able to fix things as they come along and not wait… like – I want them to be in the habit of putting the clothes into the laundry basket, but also want them to realize that if they are stepping on a shirt on the floor, to just put it in the basket. Fix the future problem, but also don’t be so rigid that you can’t fix the current problem.
Elisabeth
A chore spinner is an amazing idea.
Just today I was speaking with a friend and she mentioned she knows a family that has a Noticing Chore list. Every week people have five lines that are blank and by the end of the week they have to have filled those lines with things they noticed needed to be done…and they did them. I’m not sure how well my kids would do this, but I thought it was a great idea.
Suzanne
I love reading about chores and how they are divvied up! Your approach is super smart. Making sure your ability to complete the things you want to do isn’t impacted by someone else’s absence just makes sense to me. (In my house, unfortunately, this approach turns rapidly into chore slippage, where instead of being grateful for a day without a chore, the person in question either doesn’t notice OR asks for someone else to take it over more frequently. Boo.)
My husband does all the bill paying and he’s the technology guru around here. He also puts things together and does all the research into products we want to purchase. He is also the person who plans trips and finds/books plane tickets. These are all things I really appreciate, and would hate doing myself, although some days I feel cranky because they aren’t really everyday chores. I do 90% of the dishes and laundry (although my husband prefers to fold his own things) and we outsource most other cleaning. Cooking and grocery shopping fall almost completely under my purview as well, same with scheduling any sort of appointment or home service. I also do at least 90% of the child ferrying, and probably 99% of dealing with school/activity issues. Right now, I cringe to say, my daughter doesn’t really have set chores! I expect her to put her clean laundry away, which she does halfheartedly. She is expected to clean her own dishes and put them in the dishwasher, but there is a LOT of her asking me to do it for her as a favor. She does bring the garbage/recycling bins in after they’ve been emptied though, which helps, and she vacuums when I ask her to. My husband and I really want to have something more formal, with an allowance… but that requires a level of planning and consistency in follow through that we don’t have the bandwidth for right now.
Elisabeth
Figuring out chores and division of labour is TOUGH. And each family dynamic is unique. I always say there isn’t much I can 100% offload to my husband because some times he’s home…ands some time’s he’s not (like about 50% of the garbage weeks he’s away, so I really can’t ever take it off my radar). But we all make it work and continue to iron on kinks!
I didn’t have set chores as a kid and I’ve managed just fine. I really didn’t ever do a load of laundry until I was into my 20s…and I figured it out. I wouldn’t fret about it <3
NGS
We definitely have flexibility in chores. I mean, I don’t like to deal with the trash, but if I’m the one who’s home, guess who’s dragging bins to the end of the lane? We don’t have kids, though, and we both are content with the same level of untidiness, so it’s not really a source of struggle for us. I’m grateful for this because it does seem like housework is a bit of a sticking point for many couples and families.
(My husband recently fixed our garage door opener. He ordered a part off of Ebay because apparently they don’t make parts for 1997 Liftmasters anymore and FIXED IT. With absolutely no help from me! Meanwhile, I sometimes remember that we should dust the baseboards.)
Elisabeth
Yay for a working garage door opener!
Lisa’s Yarns
We have a pretty set approach since Phil has decided to do most of the cleaning instead of hiring a cleaner. We divide a lot of things though. I do most of the laundry folding. We both start loads but I care more about how the boys’ clothes are folded and organized so I fold their clothes. Phil tends to empty our dishwasher but I will empty it if we run it during the day. Our kids are too young to really help out besides cleaning up toys. I had a lot of chores as a kid! Especially in the summer. I folded a lot of clothes and had a list of chores like dusting furniture and vacuuming.
Elisabeth
I hate vacuuming (hence Eufy).
Daria
We have no system or division- if it’s dirty, you clean it, whoever sees it first, does it, dishes in the sink- do it. T works from home so it’s easier for him to do chores between meetings etc. I usually fold laundry- with a podcast since I quite enjoy. Floors get mopped once a month. Roomba does the vacuuming every other day. Cooking- whoever gets there first, nothing fancy.
Elisabeth
This sounds like an excellent, straightforward approach!
San
We divide chores and it works out well for the most part. I cook, Jon cleans up the kitchen (win-win!) although I do get impatient sometimes when the dirty dishes pile up and I have no space to start preparing dinner (but that is mostly because we have very limited counterspace and we’re just constantly moving stuff back and forth).
I think with kids it’s good to have set chores, but also expect everything to be a “team effort” and for everyone to help out with chores sometimes, even if it’s not their assigned chore.
Elisabeth
It’s all about give-and-take and being flexible with parenting – and most relationships in general…