If May was my only snapshot from within this “Year of Shmita” it would serve as a rather uninspiring picture. Progress seemed stagnant. Though, one could argue, how can I measure progress on a largely theoretical topic like rest? Does progress equal having a better idea of what rest means to me? Does it mean feeling more rested?
*Crickets*
Moving on.
There was one obvious success story from the month – a reminder to set a bedtime. I’ve done this at various points over the last decade but it took a recent re-read of Tranquility by Tuesday to jog my memory!
Setting a bedtime as an adult has perks. There is no one to enforce my bedtime (maybe that’s actually a disadvantage?) and there are no consequences (other than being extra tired) if I stay up late. Some rebel tendency in me seems to like knowing that a set bedtime is completely arbitrary. Even still, knowing there is an ideal time to turn out my light is oh-so-helpful.
My bedtime is set for 10:30 pm and most days I stick with it! If anything, I’ll tend to go to bed a bit earlier, but sometimes I blow right by the time and that’s okay. But if I’m in the middle of a book and glance at the clock and notice it’s 10:30, it serves as a nice cue that it’s Bedtime.
My biggest “regression” is the fact I’ve basically abandoned my digital Sabbath; more on that below.
I’m continuing to realize that a year-long project like this involves a lot of stabbing in the dark. I toss a whole bunch of ideas around in my head and if I’m lucky a few stick and seem helpful. Most of them didn’t “stick” this month.
(*Here is a post I wrote about announcing my Year of Shmita and my January, February , March, and April recaps.)
MONTHLY NOTES
MAJOR THEMES
- Blog break. This is representative of the whole year, I suppose. Stepping back (temporarily) from things I enjoy to provide extra white space and margin.
- Rituals. I thought a lot about the role of rituals and routines. I didn’t manage to extract concrete action items, but I continue to marvel at how ancient Jewish customs provided such a clear “recipe” for how to practice Sabbath rest. The seemingly strict rules and regulations – guidelines on what to wear, how and when to bathe, what to eat – acknowledge how difficult it is to slow down and turn the mind away from the worries of life. It’s easier with a prescription. Not only are we missing the community aspect of traditional Sabbath practices (everyone doing it at the same time; in modern terms – no FOMO!), we’re missing the rulebook. When I think of routines to promote rest I think almost exclusively about young children. Specific clothes (footed pajamas, a fuzzy sleep sack), music (a specific song, a CD of lullabies), food (warm milk, a snack), and a posture (rocking snuggled in a chair, curled up next to a beloved stuffed animal). These things used to be part of the Sabbath experience! There were names for Sabbath naps, Sabbath sex, Sabbath walks. There was thought and intention behind the entirety of the Sabbath experience. From following the same bathing rituals, to singing the same songs and reciting the same Scripture passages, to burning specific candles, to eating the same bread, and abstaining from certain activities – there was, as Tevye would sing – TRADITION. My takeaway? No wonder it’s harder to rest now! We’ve lost the guidebook. Just as my children had a feedback loop that signalled it was time for bed (bath, jammies, milk, brush teeth, snuggle, song, light’s out), we need the same if we’re going to have any hope of recreating this experience in our own lives. Which feels like a lot of work…
- An adult bedtime. See above. This was the biggest positive takeaway for me in May.
- Personal worth. I continue to struggle with a sense of purpose and value if I am not producing. What is doubly frustrating is my foundational faith – I know all the verses and believe in my head that I am of infinite value not because of anything I’ve done or could do, but because of who I am as someone beloved by God. But that message doesn’t easily permeate my heart. I do not have to be busy. I am not better or more worthy when my planner is full. Why is that so hard to believe and live out day-to-day? (On this note, Best News Ever by MercyMe was my “song of the month” and basically sums up everything I have to say on this point.)
- Forced rest. L’s cast changed…everything. He was forced to take a step back from many of his favourite activities (which he handled with so much grace and good humour I can hardly believe he’s my son…I would have been wailing and gnashing my teeth the whole time). A reminder that, sometimes, rest isn’t a choice. Which could be a blessing in disguise in certain situations.
- Limitations. I bristle under the thought of limitations, at least when it comes to what I can stuff into my days. I read something to the effect of We find God’s will for our lives in our limitations. Does that mean we push through with strength only He can provide to overcome limitations? Does that mean we stop pushing and recognize those limitations as a sign to stop? Perhaps both answers can be true?
- Digital Sabbath. It’s too hard to do alone. I tried. I learned things. I naturally touch my phone less frequently over the weekend now, but taking 24 hours off was stressful. I felt guilty if I needed to use my phone and no one else in my immediate network is doing it concurrently so I’m shelving this for now.
- May was also my birthday month. I thought about what gives me oxygen, and then took deliberate action to pursue it!
BOOKS I READ THAT RELATE TO SABBATH
- The Bible.
- The Lazy Genius Way: Embrace What Matters, Ditch What Doesn’t, and Get Stuff Done by Kendra Adachi (4.5/5 stars) This was my second (or third) reading of this book. It’s helpful and practical and I feel like it’s something that warrants reading and re-reading at different stages of life. That said, now that I listen to Adachi’s podcast regularly, it does feel like I have a pretty strong grasp on her method and am set for a while in all things Lazy Genius!
- The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence (4.5/5 stars) A classic piece of Christian literature I’ve been meaning to read for a decade. Short and sweet – albeit somewhat repetitive – this book encapsulates the approach of famed Brother Lawrence who lived with a singular goal: in all things – in every moment – he sought to live in the presence of God. To Lawrence, there was no distinction between time spent in prayer and time spent washing dishes. They were equally holy and both should be spent in conversation with God.
- Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time by Brigid Schulte (3.5 stars rounded up to 4) This book is written primarily for working mothers. If you don’t work outside the home and/or aren’t a mother, most of the advice will be moot. That said, I think there was some compelling research in the book and I mostly enjoyed reading it. My biggest issue was the length. It felt weighed down and stodgy by the end. I also feel like it should have been more overtly marketed as being directed toward mothers.
I wrote down a lot of quotes from the books I mentioned above; this isn’t an exhaustive list of those quotes – nor does it necessarily represent my absolute favourites – but it’s a good sampling of the type of inspiration I was drawn to…
QUOTES
- The Bible. 2 Corinthians 4:7 – “If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That’s to prevent anyone from confusing God’s incomparable power with us. As it is, there’s not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we’re not much to look at. We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we’re not demoralized; we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we’ve been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn’t left our side; we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken.” (MSG translation)
The Lazy Genius Way – Kendra Adachi
- Living in your season means letting your frustrations breathe but not be in charge.
- What can you do for hours without effort and feel all kinds of joy? [Ohhh…good question, Kendra!]
- [Re Jesus] The truth is we will never reach the end of our need for Him. And He will never tire of that need.
- The Lazy Genius Golden Rule says that you are your own friend. You’re not a project. You’re not something to be fixed and sculpted and assessed on a daily basis. You’re a person of value as you are right now, and that person deserves your kindness because she is your friend.
- You weren’t knit together in your mother’s womb so you could run after a moving finish line. You’re tired because you’re trying to overcome the world, but we can take heart because the God of the universe has already done that.
Practicing the Presence of God – Brother Lawrence
- [we should] accustom ourselves to a continual conversation with [God], with freedom and in simplicity.
- The most excellent method [Brother Lawrence] found of going to God was that of doing our common business without any view of pleasing men and (as far as we are capable) purely for the love of God.
- …we ought not to be weary of doing little things for the love of God, who regards not the greatness of the work, but the love with which it is performed.
- [God] embraces me with love, makes me eat at His table, serves me with His own hands, gives me the key of His treasures, He converses and delights Himself with me incessantly…and treats me in all respects as His favourite.
Overwhelmed – Brigid Schulte
- Mother’s leisure…tends to be more interrupted, contaminated by mental noise, and “purposive.” [She gives an example of being at the pool, watching your children play which does not truly equal leisure!] You’re not really relaxing. I see it like being on call in a fire station. You go up and down the pole. You train. You are always alert. Always ready.
- As a culture, we have translated speed into being a virtue. If you are busy, if you get things done quickly, if you move quickly throughout the day, it expresses success. You’re achieving.
- In contemporary money culture, to be at leisure, to be idle, is to be irrelevant. Daniel Gross
- [Leisure can be defined as doing:] something with no other aim than that it refreshes the soul or to choose to do nothing at all.
- Leisure in Greek is “skole”; a time of learning and reflection; cultivating oneself and one’s passions.
- Authentic living requires keeping both life and death in mind.
- [Busy = status = important = full and worthy life.]
- [Re someone staying at home to take care of their children in the 1970s]: There was no searing doubt about whether they’d made the “right” choice. It was just what everybody did.
- Love your kids. Keep them safe. Accept them as they are. Then get out of their way. [Feels like a prescription for more relaxed and restful parenting?]
Sarah
I loved Overwhelmed— such a good critique of patriarchal gender roles in there. Your writing bout ritual is really interesting to me— I agree that the ritual is key to cementing the rest, but it really is a struggle— especially to find that sense of… I don’t know… gravitas? When you are acting alone. I am really thinking about rest as a solitary— as opposed to a community— goal. Great post.
Elisabeth
I think it’s a bit like comparing apples and oranges? Community rest (which certainly had elements of personal rest) is very different from exclusively self-directed rest. I wonder, too, if it’s a bit like a good meal or beautiful sunset – objectively, the scene and experience is the same, but yet fundamentally different when shared with someone.
Jenny
I didn’t know Kendra Adachi has a book! I listen to her podcast sometimes. I’ll have to check it out.
Setting an adult bedtime is a great idea- unfortunately I take a little too much delight in disregarding my bedtime (because I can! No one to tell me what to do!) WHEN will I finally get enough sleep?
I can see how doing a digital sabbath alone didn’t work. You would really need everyone you know to do it along with you, and that’s probably not going to happen. But it’s good you tried it- sometimes you just don’t know how something will work until you try.
Elisabeth
She actually has two books (I wasn’t a fan of her “kitchen” book) and another one coming out this fall.
I don’t regret trying and I think if I opted to go back to this approach in future, I could ease into it quickly. I learned a lot and even have some little “rituals” of sorts in place in terms of where I store my phone etc but…yeah…without other people buying in (which I never asked for!), it’s not a fulfilling experience.
Coree
You are so thoughtful about the ups and downs of this process. I really admire that.
I feel like it’s been a tough first half of the year – my husband had surgery, I had a bad case of Covid, universities are on the verge of bankruptcy so there’s a stressful vibe all around – and I think I’m just done in.
I was planning to work half the time whilst in Portugal (optimistically, I thought I’d make progress on my book) but I realised I need a proper chunk of time off and I’ve got annual leave that needs using up by the end of July. So I’ll work the day after the election as I’ve got a rapid response to write (and it’s well paid!)… and one Monday, when revisions to a paper need to be updated, but otherwise, will take the time properly off. I sat down with my big writing to do list and made a plan for July, and think it’s decently manageable. I also said no to something I didn’t want/didn’t have time to do do, which I should have said no to when originally asked.
Elisabeth
Coree, that sounds like a very hard year. I’m sorry you had to go through so much, in such quick succession.
I am so glad you will have some concentrated time off and hope the restful vibes of beach life will be sweet relief and give you the break you need and deserve.
Nicole MacPherson
I love working little rituals into the day, and I do try to work little restful rituals into my day – like taking time just for myself to quietly read. I think Overwhelmed sounds like an amazing book. That last point about the children is something I have tried to incorporate into my life for many years. It’s like the poem that goes “your children are not your children” which is so moving.
I have a strict bedtime for myself but I find it’s not necessary for me to be “strict” because I love bedtime! I go to bed way earlier than everyone in the house except J, who starts work at 5 and so is up as early as I am. But then I’m in a different stage of life, no one “needs” me in any way, really.
Elisabeth
I think in my dream scenario I would stay up until 11:30 and sleep until 7:30. Anything before 7:00 feels like an affront to my dignity and humanity. Alas and alack – having kids that need to get to school necessitates getting up by (or before 7 am), but I am not a morning person. I love that you love your bedtime and it sounds like it works perfectly: some members of your house get quiet time in the evening and you have those mornings gloriously free for your early-rising self.
Lisa’s Yarns
I am pretty sure I read Overwhelmed before I became a mother. I think I felt meh about it so should revisit it since it will likely resonate more with me.
It is really hard to reset habits. I like the thought of traditions and following cues. We are generally not great at doing that as adults. My bedtime has crept later lately but a lot of that is due to my prednisone Rx. I know if I try to go to bed at 9:30 like I used to, I will toss and turn and that is not fun. I am really ready to get back to those old rhythms that have fallen by the wayside.
The idea of measurement is interesting because how can you measure a goal of resting more? It’s almost like you have to put boundaries in place and monitor those boundaries? Like not saying yes to things unless you truly want to do the thing (which is a squishy concept). I would have to really think about how to measure rest. I don’t feel rested very often… and that is not good. But rest is a spectrum so I need to figure out how to target a more rested state!
Elisabeth
Your RA impacts SO many aspects of your life, Lisa and I’m so sorry. I know you love your bedtime routine and it’s just horrible that the Rx is messing with that 🙁
Rest is definitely a spectrum. And I think there are so many forms of rest – from sleeping, to rest in activity (something that makes us feel alive and recharged), physical rest (absence of movement), etc. I think it’s hard to get everything to align at once to feel truly rested. I can literally pinpoint the last time I felt incredibly rested. It was at the end of a Christmas vacation when A was a toddler. So over 12 years ago. I felt completely rested, and haven’t felt COMPLETELY rested ever since. Blergh.
Diane
I once borrowed Overwhelmed from the library and then life got busy and I never read it – ironic, I guess.
So many things would be easier if we lived in a vacuum – digital sabbaths, not having to measure our self worth by what we produce for others to consume, resting on Sunday… I guess living in a society, especially a diverse society, complicates life!
I remember in high school, I got tired of answering “How are things?” with just saying, “Things are good.” So I started saying, “Things are busy.” And it felt somehow like I was able to justify my life and my time by saying I was always “busy.” But I agree with that quote you pulled – what is the virtue in being busy?
Elisabeth
Ironic, indeed. I think it has a lot to offer working mothers (it really is HEAVILY geared toward women, mothers, and mothers that work outside the home).
Things are busy, indeed! I think sometimes answering “things are okay” helps me, too. Sometimes things AREN’T good and it feels so trivial to answer they are…yet it’s just a common exchange in North America that we do without really thinking. But it sometimes rubs a raw wound when you have to answer “good” when life feels like it’s in tatters!
coco
Thanks for sharing with us your frustration to want to rest more, both physically and mentally. I struggle sometimes to let it go of my “i think i need to do, or do it with this quality standard”, which last month pushed me to the brink of sickness and acid reflex. I have few more weeks to go before fully rest, holidays. It’s still a learning process for all of us, which is good and frustrating at the time. Good in the sense that we realize something could be improved so we are still figuring it out trying different ways, frustrating is that why we haven’t figure it out by now?
Elisabeth
It’s amazing – and scary – how deeply our bodies can respond to mental and emotional stress. Everything is SO interconnected.
I know it has been a tough stretch for you lately; hoping your new techniques to alleviate stress AND the upcoming holidays really help <3
Melissa
Maybe this year is really just about getting to know yourself and your needs better. I’m feeling a little bit like you regarding renewal. The last month or so has been a lot of backward steps.
My bedtime is 10:30 too, but I probably read past then a few times a week.
I love this quote: [God] embraces me with love, makes me eat at His table, serves me with His own hands, gives me the key of His treasures, He converses and delights Himself with me incessantly…and treats me in all respects as His favourite.
Elisabeth
I think the bedtime for me is more about having a launchpoint; I’m not overly strict about it and don’t have alarms or anything like that. But if I’m tired and it’s 10:30, it clicks off this little message in my brain that – oh, wait! It’s bedtime! No wonder I’m tired. Time to turn off the light…
Grateful Kae
Thanks for the update! Like someone else above said, these recaps are so thoughtful. I was wondering about the Sunday digital sabbath thing, because I think you texted me recently on a Sunday so I was like, hmm, maybe that has been put on pause. I totally understand the difficulty with that. While I think the idea is great, I’m sure it might feel like an exercise in futility if the rest of the world isn’t participating! That being said, if it’s important to you and you want to do it, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with making it happen despite being the “only one”! (We were just talking about this last week when we were at the Denver airport Sunday morning on the way home from Hawaii. There’s a VERY popular chicken fast food restaurant here called Chick Fil A (not sure if you’ve heard of it) that is known for closing all day every Sunday, despite obviously the fact that basically no other businesses close on the Sabbath anymore. So as we wandered around the airport food court on Sunday, every restaurant was open and busy, except a dark and shuttered Chick Fil A. We were talking about how interesting that is in today’s day and how it’s actually pretty impressive that they stick to their beliefs and do that, especially considering the massive amount of $$ they are probably missing out on around the country on Sundays!) But in your case I can see how maybe it’s just not even really worth it, or maybe the cost/benefit just ended up not really being there in the way you had imagined.
Elisabeth
Yeah. Pausing for now…I don’t feel like there was anything wrong with doing it, it just felt a bit hollow. Like I was one fish trying to swim against a few billion people (exaggeration, I know!). But literally no one else I know takes 24 hours away from devices. I also feel like because of some life stuff happening I have relatively low willpower/motivation to add extra hard things and this was feeling…hard. Which makes me sad, in a way, because what a relief to be completely untethered from the internet and screens for 24 hours. That said, I do feel like I try to do a soft version of this still and stay off my phone more than I used to on the weekend.
John is OBSESSED with Chick Fil A; I thinks it’s…fine? (We can only get it when we’re in the US…though I think they might have a location in the US). I wonder how much it does impact their bottom line? It definitely makes them stand out. A more general point that’s highlighted here is being willing to sacrifice one things for another. So maybe they’re sacrificing profits that day…but maybe they more than make up for it with healthier staff that take fewer sick days, more loyal customers (because they know they have to go Monday – Saturday if they want Chick Fil-A).
Birchie
My jaw dropped when I read the part about you “not producing”. Hello, have you read your blog????????
I am going to give you a gold star for not keeping the sabbath for the simple reason that that it is stressful. It’s your year of rest, so it doesn’t make sense to do something that is ultimately not restful EVERY SINGLE WEEK. Maybe after things settle down you can add it back into the mix. Or just take a designated “sabbath” every once in a while – perfect is the enemy of the good!
Elisabeth
Thanks for the gold star <3 And I love the idea of falling back on this when I feel like it makes sense/I need it. Good habits don't have to last forever!
San
As you probably know or suspect, I thrive on routine. It takes “stress” away because I am not constantly making decisions. If one good thing came out of the pandemic though, it feels like it was a time where everybody was allowed to just “stop and breathe for a minute”. I felt like there was permission to not “hustle “all the time, you know what I mean? This feeling is completely gone again and I can relate to you that it feels hard when we’re not productive in some way. Maybe it’s exactly because we cannot measure “rest”.
I think it’s good that you’re rethinking and tweaking your Year of Shmita, trying to figure out what it means for YOU.
Elisabeth
Yes! In NO WAY do I want to go back to pandemic life, but I do wish the lockdowns had happened NOW, not when I had a preschooler at home. I think I would really appreciate the stop/less hustle a lot right now. I’m trying to slow down but the world isn’t and it’s hard to swim against that current!
And you’re so right that this is an individual experience; while the collective influences and impacts me, ultimately, I have to find out what works for ME which is not going to be a one-size-fits-all.
Daria
Always interesting to read about your year of Shmita, and many good observations. I especially like that when everyone is observing Sabbath, no one gets fomo. My relationship with rest is complicated. As an immigrant to the US, with my family’s expectation to keep my head down, and grind, just grind, every minute and every hour, I still struggle with the fact that I can- and have the right- to rest. Resting for me is usually reading, or walking. Naps. A meditation always feels so good to me. Prayer and contemplation can be very restful for me as well.
Elisabeth
I think rest used to be hard-wired into society; even for those who didn’t observe a Jewish Sabbath were limited in how much they could work by the weather or the lack of light. I think this theme of overwork and burnout is a decidedly modern issue.