Oh, April. I feel like the wheels fell off my pursuit of rest last month. Mostly it was an unsettled spirit, not necessarily a lack of physical downtime. I also felt decidedly hypocritical – how was I managing to miss the mark so badly? Have I learned nothing this year? Why does resting – in concept and application – feel so hard? (I asked myself those questions sequentially with increasing levels of angst!)
Why is it still so hard to shake feelings of laziness every time I make space for rest? Why am I still so tired? Is the first key to conquering the general weariness that can come from juggling life responsibilities…acceptance? Truth: I feel tired. Truth: I don’t have to fix this/it might not be a problem that can or should be “fixed.” Truth: I can simply do my best to accommodate the needs of my current season of life.
Truth: There will be a time after this.
While the concept of rest can feel frustratingly complicated, if I choose to flip the narrative, April’s experiences can masquerade as growth. I continued to learn what not to do. I continued to learn that rest – spiritual, physical, emotional – isn’t a one-time event, but a constant pursuit.
Growth always has a nice ring to it, right?
(*Here is a post I wrote about announcing my Year of Shmita and my January, February , and March recaps.)
MONTHLY NOTES
MAJOR THEMES
- Focus. When I feel out of sorts, I lean toward trying to throw everything but the kitchen sink at a problem. For example, my exercise routines felt stagnate. I started out April with: daily walking, daily planking, daily squats, and daily yoga. This was ridiculous. Pick one thing and stick with it, Elisabeth. (I opted for walking! with occasional days including yoga.)
- Dread. I thought about dread – and what this particular emotion might reveal – so often in April that I’ll be dedicating an entire post to the theme. What am I dreading? From that list, what can I remove from my to-do list? Does everything I’m dreading actually need to be done? If so, are there alternate – less dread-invoking – routes I can take to reach the same goal?
- Joy/Anticipation. Too often I focus on what I’m dreading. What if I flip the question and ask: What am I anticipating? What brings me joy? How can I do more of those things?
- Simplification. This fits in with focus. It’s hard to simplify dozens of things. Better to have a few clear objectives than an array of nebulous tasks. Is radical simplification – I read Walden again, can you tell? – even possible with children and a spouse that travels frequently? I think what I’m really looking to pursue (I feel like “achieve” is impossible since it’s a constant and ongoing pursuit) is minimalism by Joshua Becker’s definition – the intentional promotion of things we most value and the removal of anything that distracts us from them (easier said than done, of course).
- Individual vs. corporate Sabbath. A few times in April I distinctly felt the implausibility of pursuing a “disconnected” Sabbath when others are not. I found myself explaining, yet again, that: I didn’t receive your message because from Saturday at 4 pm to Sunday at 4 pm, I turn off my phone. People are all very pleasant about this exchange, but they will, no doubt, write me again in that same 24-hour period expecting a response. Thinking back to the Biblically mandated Sabbath, can we imagine an ENTIRE people/nation pausing life for the same 24 hours? Everyone pursuing a singular goal of rest. It made rest a shared joy, not an individual liability. I think the short answer is my Sabbath will always be incomplete as long as it isn’t a collective experience.
- Technology. I tried to buckle down and get more serious about my time away from tech: laptop in my bag, phone off and in a box from Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 4pm. I was moderately successful. It’s impossible when John is travelling and I really must be connected as the sole adult. Since our at-home date nights are such a beloved tradition in our marriage, I DO watch movies or documentaries with John most Saturday nights. When he happens to travel over my “Sabbath window” I keep my phone on but read books instead of doing anything on the internet. I don’t feel like I have a fully formed vision of what I want out of a digital Sabbath, but the steps I’ve already taken feel like progress in the right direction. (Spoiler alert: my success rate of making it a full 24 hours offline has been very low in May.)
BOOKS I READ THAT RELATE TO SABBATH
This was a light reading month which I very much appreciated!
- The Bible.
- Walden by Henry David Thoreau (3.5/5 stars) How do I rate this book? Pockets of it are PURE gold. But a lot of it is a slog. The first time I tried reading Walden it was a DNF, the second time I made it from cover-to-cover, the third (and, I suspect, final time) it was an in-depth skimming.
- Cozy: The Art of Arranging Yourself in the World by Isabel Gillies (3/5 stars) This book started off well and I thought it was destined to garner 5 stars but fell flat by the halfway point. Was it too long? Too meandering? I’m not quite sure what went wrong, but it didn’t give off cozy vibes by the end. I’m still glad I read it as it inspired me to start a list of things that make ME cozy which feels like a pretty great outcome.
- Hidden Potential: The Science of Achieving Greater Things by Adam Grant (4.5/5 stars) This book was full of interesting case studies about grit, determination, and working smarter not harder. Definitely inspirational. I found it engaging from start to finish. Do I remember a lot from it? Not particularly, but can see this being a great annual re-read for motivation to get unstuck from life “ruts.”
- Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked by Adam Alter (3.5/5 stars) This was a hard book to rate – should I round up to 4 or round down to 3? (I went with rounding down to 3). A lot of time and page space goes to discussing the physiology and psychology behind all addiction (including drugs) – most notably video games and cell phones. This was an easy-to-read and engaging book, but I felt like I was left wanting more. It was an interesting overview of addiction at large and how that plays into our obsession with screens; I don’t regret making time to read it.
I wrote down a lot of quotes from the books I mentioned above; this isn’t an exhaustive list of those quotes – nor does it necessarily represent my absolute favourites – but it’s a good sampling of the type of inspiration I was drawn to…
QUOTES
The Bible. Philippians 4:8 – Whatever is true, gracious, beautiful, noble, authentic, lovely, praiseworthy, just, pure, and commendable – think/remember/fill my mind and dwell on these things. [As I summarized this verse in my notes: Think on the best, not the worst.]
Walden – Henry David Thoreau
- The life which men praise and regard as successful is but one kind. Why should we exaggerate any one kind at the expense of the others?
- …the cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run.
- This spending of the best part of one’s life earning money in order to enjoy a questionable liberty during the least valuable part of it, reminds me of the Englishman who went to India to make a fortune first, in order that he might return to England and live the life of a poet.
- …my greatest skill has been to want but little.
- There were times when I could not afford to sacrifice the bloom of the present moment to any work, whether of the head or hands…I grew in those seasons like corn in the night.
- I love a broad margin to my life.
- Why should we be in such desperate haste to succeed and in such desperate enterprises? If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears…
- The fault-finder will find faults even in paradise.
- Which would have advanced the most at the end of a month – the boy who had made his own jackknife from the ore which he had dug and smelted, reading as much as would be necessary for this – or the boy who had attended the lectures on metallurgy at the institute in the meanwhile, and received a Rogers’ penknife from his father? Which would be the most likely to cut his fingers?
- Our inventions are wont to be pretty toys, which distract our attention from serious things.
- Why should we live with such hurry and waste of life? We are determined to be starved before we are hungry. Men say that a stitch in time saves nine, and so they take a thousand stitches today to save nine to-morrow.
- I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude.
- It is remarkable how easily and insensibly we fall into a particular route, and make a beaten track for ourselves. I had not lived there a week before my feet wore a path from my door to the pond-side; and though it is five or six years since I trod it, it is still quite distinct…the surface of the earth is soft and impressible by the feet of men; and so with the paths which the mind travels.
- In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex…
- Simplify, simplify. Instead of three meals a day, it if be necessary eat but one; instead of a hundred dishes, five; and reduce other things in proportion.
Hidden Potential – Adam Grant
- Personality is not your destiny – it’s your tendency.
- …seeking advice doesn’t reveal a lack of confidence. It reflects respect for another person’s competence.
- It’s easy for people to be critics or cheerleaders. It’s harder to get them to be coaches. A critic sees your weaknessess and attacks your worst self. A cheerleader sees your strengths and celebrates your best self. A coach sees your potential and helps you become a better version of yourself.
- [Perfectionists]…fail to realize that the purpose of reviewing your mistakes isn’t to shame your past self. It’s to educate your future self.
- Relaxing is not a waste of time; it’s an investment in well-being.
Jan Coates
I’ve never read WALDEN, but I feel like I should. I’ve always loved his quotes and used one in THE HERMIT. Reading your post reminded me of something our Mennonite bunkie delivery man said when it appeared it would be tricky to get the bunkie into its exact resting spot. “But then, we’re not going to borrow trouble, are we?” I hadn’t heard that it in years, but I love it! Hope the sun is shining in Wolfville today!
Elisabeth
Some of it is a slog, but there are some great gems hidden in the rough. (Though, maybe I’m just too low-brow and it’s not really a slog for others?)
Looks like everything ended well with the bunkie placement – a cozy and restful place indeed.
Nicole MacPherson
I feel like you are really focusing in on what you need and how to achieve it. I know you are doing your best to rest, and there are going to be some ups and downs and learning lessons along the way. The digital Sabbath is something I think we could all benefit from, but as you say, unless everyone’s doing it, it’s going to be really really hard. I have found that just leaving my phone in another room for a few hours at a time has helped: I have it connected to my watch so if a message comes through, I can see if it’s something I actually need to respond to (rare, but sometimes) or if it can wait a few hours. That’s helped me, anyway.
You’re tired because 2023 was incredibly hard and stressful, and because exhaustion compounds over time. It’s like that 9 months up, 9 months down thing with pregnancy, I think. It takes a long time to really really destress.
Elisabeth
A great reminder about emotions (etc) compounding over time. Amen, sister.
I feel like, in general, I have fairly low phone usage it’s just the knowledge that I am missing things. And not even from a position of FOMO but more in the sense that “people are going to expect a response!!!”
Basically, I want to stamp a giant red “Yes” over your entire comment <3
Ally Bean
I like the idea of a digital sabbath, used to do that naturally in fact. But during the pandemic I got sucked into being online more and haven’t shaken the habit.
As a reformed perfectionist I agree with Adam Grant that the value of overcoming perfectionism is to educate your future self, not to tear yourself down. Took years to accept that reality, though.
Elisabeth
Aren’t some of these life lessons all but impossible to learn without tough experience in the opposite direction? Perfectionism is such an insidious beast to tame. Three cheers for your reformation!
Jenny
I think April is hard. In the beginning of the year we have all these new ideas and resolutions, and lots of energy to expend on them. By April it’s like “Wait! Why am I still trying so hard? Shouldn’t this be easy by now?” And, I can see why your solo digital Sabbath is hard. It’s like you have to explain and defend your choice over and over again. Remember- this is your YEAR of Shmita. You’re still exploring it and figuring things out, and we’re not even halfway through.
I read Walden a long time ago- should I re-read it? And that Adam Grant book sounds interesting!
Elisabeth
Great point! My January energy had dwindled and I was VERY MUCH OVER WINTER!
I also appreciate the encouragement that it’s not ever half over yet. There is time to try different things. Also, there is no end date or goal, specifically. It’s to promote rest in my life and that’s going to take a lifetime of practice and there will also be distinct “seasons” when life is more/less conducive to rest.
Walden, for me, is a slog. But…also…wonderful. Such a mixed bag. I really liked the Adam Grant book!
Birchie
Well, resting is going to be hard when you don’t really get to rest – you removed a job but you still have another job, plus parenting, plus stints of solo parenting, plus adulting…and as Nicole pointed out, you’re still recovering from the stress of last year. Also you only have 4 months of “semi rest” under your belt – you’re still learning!
I recognize the focus issue so clearly for myself – why focus on one thing when I can focus on 10 things and do them all badly?
Elisabeth
Great point. I think I have this sense it should feel easy since I removed my primary “paid work” responsibility. But the hardest things are showing up day in and day out for the home/parenting responsibilities which are literally 365, 24/7!
2023 was tough and honestly 2024 has had some really hard (offline/not-blogged about) stuff, too. But is it ever realistic to expect life to be “smooth?” I dunno?
“why focus on one thing when I can focus on 10 things and do them all badly?” YES! This is me!
Lindsay
This so resonated with me! I have both been thinking about how challenging it is to disconnect from my phone when everyone else is using it as our main communication channel (which makes me think about WHY I connect with folks all the time – text, dm, email, etc. vs. how I grew up with random phone calls and letters…) and how to draw better boundaries. I’ve also been thinking so very much about joy and where that fits in with my season of life and how to poke at that a little more. I feel so weighed down by tasks and work and things I haven’t gotten done and things I should be doing vs. being able to recognize what makes me joyful and sitting with those moments more.
Elisabeth
The world is not designed for us to be “offline.” And it’s not just work. L’s soccer was entirely organized via an app last year (cancellations, team announcements etc – was all fed exclusively through the app). Personal things. I mean I’m part of the problem since I use text/e-mail a lot and no longer have a landline but it feels very, very hard to swim against the current on this one!
I think other commenters are so wise to point out this feels hard because IT IS HARD. The world is literally not designed for people to be unavailable…basically ever!
I’m with you on it being hard to sit with the joy. I notice it, but then find myself rushing on to something else.
Stephany
I love the exercise of what am I dreading vs what brings me joy? I feel like I need to sit down and think about that myself!
Wouldn’t it be amazing if we were all forced to make Sunday a day of rest? It makes me think about the early days of the pandemic where we were all forced to be at home and slow down. Imagine having to do that WITHOUT the threat of a global virus over our heads?! I want to think about implementing this day of rest somehow – no screens, no big to-dos, just slowing down and letting the day take me where it needs to. (We’re just such a screen-focused society now that I know that would be really difficult!)
Elisabeth
The pandemic had tiny glimpses of Sabbath life (in a macabre, horrible forced way, but there were definitely silver linings).
It is HARD to avoid screens. And I think it’s extra hard because screens can be such a force for good. Like blogs. I love blogging and this community but it absolutely all happens via screens.
Melissa
“Why does resting – in concept and application – feel so hard?”
Because our whole society/culture is set up to serve the values of consumerism, productivity, efficiency and growth. You’re trying to swim against a very strong current. Remember that every little bit that goes against that flow is a win. You are thinking about it and making steps to align your life to your values and having success.
On the question of feeling tired, as others have said you have reasons to be tired, but your thought that it may not be something that can be fixed, while depressing, may be something to keep in mind. At least that allows you to readjust your expectations of yourself, even if only temporarily. I know you’ve been embracing nap time, and I’d just encourage you to keep on that track. It’s OK to do what you need. I’ve gradually learned to do that and am mostly proficient now at shaking off the guilt/shame/embarrassment/feelings of inadequacy. I’ve also managed to educate G, so well, in fact, that Monday when he organised for our son’s girlfriend’s family to come for dinner, knowing I was still getting over the run of migraines, he got E to do the supermarket shopping and suggested I go to bed for a nap in the afternoon.
Elisabeth
Melissa. This comment. I needed to read (and re-read) this today. Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful response. YES! It is a very strong current, indeed. And I love the idea of picturing every little bit of swimming upstream as being net positive (but, also, swimming upstream is hard work – it makes sense it feels hard. It IS hard.)
I have such a hard time adjusting expectations. I know intellectually I need to expect less from myself right now – in this particular season – but when I come face to face with my limitations, it’s hard to accept them. I needed the encouragement to keep on keeping on (and, after reading this comment, I went and took two short timed naps…too long and I can’t sleep at night, so I’m trying to be strategic).
I have been struggling with all of these: guilt/shame/embarrassment/feelings of inadequacy!
And I love, love, love that G organized the day so you could get the necessary rest which I’m sure made the dinner far more pleasant for you!
coco
I fully agree with the relaxing is an investment on wellbeing, good reminder to all of us.
I like the questions you ask yourself, what do I want to do vs. what can you drop. I should do that too. Some days I just want to finish the tasks, despite being tired, I could have stopped for a moment to ask myself these questions before doing them, further exhausting myself.
Elisabeth
I can be a bit of a freight train – trying to barrel my way through my to-do list without really stopping to consider if I even need to be doing these things!
Lisa’s Yarns
I think of this challenge as you training for something hard because it is such a reset. So you are in the early innings of establishing new habits and you will have set backs, like you often will when training for a race for example. But you are making progress and finding the pain points.
April was kind of a terrible month for me. I traveled way way too much and then I lost my grandma and her decline coincided with our vacation with my parents which made that trip less restful/relaxing. But I learned that I need to be careful about the cadence of my travel. It is not good for our family for me to travel consecutive weeks and I did that 3 weeks in a row, following travel for our vacation, had a week off and then traveled again. So if I can avoid that kind of pattern I absolutely need to!!
Elisabeth
Love this! Such helpful insights, Lisa that are also so encouraging. I have not been thinking about this as a training regime but it kinda is!
April was so, so rough for you, friend. Ugh. I hope you can have far fewer work trips in the second half of the year or at least control the frequency so you get a chance to catch your breath in between trips.
Erica
I also found April a challenging month, as I often do. The endless random days off school (maybe not relevant to your school district), the changeable, depression-provoking weather, the allergies…
If you follow The Lazy Genius, you will already know about this, but Kendra Adachi is coming out with a book this fall called The PLAN which is about compassionate time management for, mostly, women. One of its central theses is that the productivity culture of Max Achievement (and its inverse, Max Rest) is designed by and for people who don’t have caregiving responsibilities, and that holding ourselves to standards that don’t actually mesh with our lives is a doomed enterprise. You might learn from books like Walden, but you can’t actually go live alone by a pond for four months.
Elisabeth
We have so many days off all year, it seems. It was very depressing weather-wise and that makes a difference for sure!
I am so excited for Kendra’s book this fall. I have read all her other books and listened half-heartedly to a few podcast episodes over the years (I’m not really in to podcasts), but lately I have been listening daily and catching up on old episodes. I just love her approach to life and have found her podcast very comforting and gentle, yet inspirational (in an achievable way).
This…”designed by and for people who don’t have caregiving responsibilities, and that holding ourselves to standards that don’t actually mesh with our lives is a doomed enterprise. You might learn from books like Walden, but you can’t actually go live alone by a pond for four months.” Yes, yes, yes! So helpful to remind myself of this over and over. My reality is my reality and it’s a mix and match of insights that will actually work for ME. I do have kids. I do solo parent a lot. I do have low energy. I am an introvert. Etc. I think the LG does a great job of helping people identify what’s important to them, as well, which is something I need to keep honing in on as I go through this year of trying to be intentional about rest.
San
I think, like with everything else, we like a “quick fix”. Why does resting take so much freaking time (away from things we need to get done OR imagine that, things we WANT to do.) For me, rest – which we all need – always competes with duties and often also enjoyable things that we’re trying to squeeze into our days (I remind you of the evenings when you wanted to unwind with a book but had to sacrifice sleep for it!).
Figuring out what our bodies and minds need and doing that is hard, especially if we compare those needs to how others live their lives. It’s hard to unplug digitally when you know others are not… and if only because you think they expect an immediate response. It’s one thing for them to know and acknowledge and even respect (!) that your phone is off for 24 hours and another for people to actually keep these “boundaries” from others in mind in their own busy lives and NOT contact you during that time period. Maybe that’s the only time period that they have to get this message out to you?
I am rambling, just trying to point how hard it is to respect your own boundaries AND those of others if they don’t align – timewise or else.
All this to say, I think you’re doing a great job figuring this all out. It’s not a linear process but you’re moving forward.
Elisabeth
An important point on the time. Especially for me – as an introvert – I feel like I need BIG swaths of time. So much of the literature is about making small changes – good, necessary, helpful – but I tend to not feel rejuvenated with five minutes of restful breathing.
I also think I need to spend more time reflecting on the different TYPES of rest. Sleep, solitude, rest from responsibilities, rest to rejuvenate and energize etc.
Also, a great point that sometimes it’s things we very much enjoy that need to be cut out to make time for rest!
Daria
Oh Elisabeth, thank you again for such an insightful, profound, and thought-provoking post. Also, the comments. I have a very hard time just resting, constantly feeling the need to do, plan, clean, reach out, fix, help. Your year of Shmita updates are so helpful for me to reevaluate my own habits/values.
Elisabeth
Thank you for such kind words. I’m glad my reflections are helpful; I feel like we’re all learning and stretching these rest muscles together in 2024.
Anne
A late comment just to say… it’s hard. And you’re showing how to work through the hard and figure out how to get yourself the mental *and physical* rest that you need. I think we all do share a lot of the same characteristics, and I recognize so many pieces of myself in your words. It’s hard to give ourselves grace, and time, and space, to just… be. I hope that life is slowing down a bit, that John is home more, soon, and that you continue to pursue rest in all things. <3