I don’t have to write an annual newsletter. Never mind the fact that I’ve written an annual newsletter to go out with our Christmas cards for well over a decade. Tradition does not mean rule and, quite simply, I don’t want to write a newsletter this year.
Do people seem to enjoy getting these newsletters? Yes. Do I enjoy writing them? Not particularly.
But I think more than anything, I’m in a season of realizing I need to say No to things where it really doesn’t matter if I say Yes.
I made photo calendars because everyone I give them to genuinely wants them (and my parents looked at me like I was a ten-headed monster the year I broached the idea of not preparing a calendar for them; duly noted). But my family update is a piece of paper that ends up in the recycling bin after a quick read.
So I have sent all our 2023 cards out without a newsletter and have a strong suspicion nothing bad will happen.
Other “Good Things” I will not do this Christmas:
- Participate in a Live Nativity. I was part of the angel choir for our church’s Live Nativity performances last year. It was very fun and special…but it was also very stressful. John was away and the kids and I were all sick and the weather was SO COLD (did I mention it was outside). Originally, I signed up to participate again this year. But the thought of the rehearsals and juggling schedules and late nights filled me with so. much. dread. A little over a week ago I decided: I can do this another year (or not). It’s a good thing – a great thing – but it’s okay to not do all the good things! So I will not be a Christmas angel. In fact, I’ve decided to not even go to any of the shows. I will be home, on the couch, in comfy pajamas. And that sounds wonderful.
- Make a family Holiday Fun List. I made one several years in a row. I will not be doing it this year. We can still watch Elf, deliver cards to a few neighbours, and drink hot cocoa while looking at Christmas lights even if we don’t cross it off a list.
- Give people homemade baking. John always buys these incredible chocolate bars when he is in Finland. So that is what local people who receive “treats” from us with their cards will be receiving. I will not spend hours slaving in the kitchen and tying pretty ribbons on bags. Those things are lovely and I’ve gone that route many times but they’d probably rather the nice chocolate bar they can put on a shelf to enjoy in the dead of winter, not some crumbly ginger cookies from me.
- Buy matching family pajamas. This does not appeal to me in. the. slightest. I know this is a very common – and much beloved – tradition for many families. It’s adorable and you do you. I track down second-hand (thrift or consignment store) winter/Christmas pajamas and give those to the kids on Christmas Eve. They rarely match (but have occasionally, by coincidence) and it’s just not a big deal. I can’t think of something I’d want to do less than try to source matching PJs?!
- Make gingerbread houses. We’ve done cutout ginger cookies before but gingerbread houses? NO THANK YOU! The mess. The candy. The sticky icing everywhere. And then where do you store it? Again – a very fun tradition for many families, but it doesn’t have to be fun for me. *Note someone gifted L a Star Wars gingerbread kit last year that is shaped like a TIEFighter. John wouldn’t let me DONATE IT, so that kit may get pulled out before Christmas but everything is pre-fab, including the icing, so I’ll give it a reluctant pass.
- Go see a live show. While I think this would be a great tradition (I enjoy seeing live performances of just about anything), we haven’t made it our own. A local dance school puts on the Nutcracker ballet each Christmas and this is a must-see performance for many people in our town/neighbouring communities. I’ve only gone once. And that was plenty.
- Wrapping gifts in matching paper. I love the aesthetic of “brown paper packages tied up with string” as much as the next person but when I read someone waxing eloquent about how they wanted their wrapping to reflect all the time and effort that went into sourcing the gifts, I have to admit it doesn’t apply to me. My kids don’t care about these things at all. I buy whatever cute (or cheap) wrapping paper I can find on sale after Christmas, and that is what gets used. It could be blue with cartoon penguins next to red plaid. While I do love all the coordinating gift pictures…it’s not for me. And I honestly think the gifts still look great in their hodgepodge under the tree. Twinkle lights do amazing things!
- Cutting down a Christmas tree. We have done this in previous years but I dreaded the experience. It was always cold or wet and it’s so hard to gauge the tree height accurately. The last few years year we visited a tree stand a 3-minute drive from our house and paid $5 to have said tree delivered straight to our door. No saw or rubber boots required…and they have a giant measuring stick so I can know with certainty if it will fit in our house.
- Help pick out the Christmas tree. Last year, John and A went and picked out the tree (see above) together. John had it delivered to our door without me even knowing he had picked out a tree and it was like THE BEST early Christmas gift ever. I dither and compare and fuss and fret over which tree looks better. Good enough is good enough and we always end up going with the first tree John spotted anyway because he is so good at spotting the best Christmas trees. It’s okay to cut out the dithering part and outsource this decision.
- Holiday parties. I’m in introvert. I like to be home in my pajamas listening to Christmas music or watching Christmas movies with my family. Full stop. We do end up hosting a bit over the holidays but mostly at our place. No big office parties. No fancy to-do’s. Quiet and simple and at home.
Your turn. Any traditions you’re mindfully opting out of this Christmas? Any new ones you’re looking to incorporate for the first time? What “good thing” do you do every year but dread? Could it be removed from your schedule? Do you have a real or artificial tree? Do you do a lot of holiday baking? Matching PJs? Gingerbread houses?
Header photo by Raspopova Marina on Unsplash
coco
that’s a great list of things that you really don’t need to do! Fortunately living in a muslim country means i don’t get to do most of these.
We are doing gifts this year, advent calendar, and a Christmas trip. I enjoy doing them so it’s okay.
I would like to do baking for friends and dinner party, but feel lazy, so decided not to. I might change my mind though 🙂
Coree
We are pretty minimalist – a small family and we go to my parents in Portugal for the holidays. Every year, I want to add fun things but it’s a really busy time of year in academia – marking essays, often some travel, and all those things you promised to complete “before the end of the year…”
We are having a cinnamon bun/hot chocolate open house b/c I’m very extroverted and want social interaction, and a friend and her kids are coming up to join us for the Snow Queen. But no Pinteresty baking, Elf on the Shelf, wrapped book advent calendar, good for others, not for me. Being off social media helps with this, I only have pals to compare us to, and while I know we do less on the present front (a massive pile grosses me out), we seem to enjoy ourselves.
Elisabeth
An Open House is SUCH a good idea. I am definitely not a Pinteresty baker. But I would make various delicious things…but it was SO much work. And just because our family enjoys them doesn’t mean someone else will!
I buy a chocolate advent calendar for the kids and we’ve never done the book thing. A cute idea (and our library actually wraps books with just the bar code showing so you can bypass the wrapping step which is pretty sweet!), but not for me!
sarah
LOVE LOVE LOVE.
I dream of the year when I am an empty nester and my presents look GORGEOUS. But until then, it’s lumpy packages under the tree.
Elisabeth
If it’s not in a box (aka: easy to wrap), if goes in a gift bag now, too. So. Much. Easier. than boxing things so I can then wrap them. If it comes in a box, great. If not, I save all the gift bags we receive and those become 30-second wrapping solutions to socks and bulky items like soccer balls that were not meant to be wrapped!
Suzanne
GIRL. This is so smart. I love how you are being so intentional about not only what you DO but what you DON’T. I am on the opposite end of the spectrum right now — I feel like I have to do All the Things because it is our first holiday season in the new house and I want to make it extra! fun! and magical! for my kid, so she isn’t too terribly homesick for the old house. (And maybe the same for me.) December is already a MESS, and my husband is on call for a week in there and maybe we are going to try to have Thanksgiving Round 2 the week after Christmas and I am pre-stressed and I need to take a page from the book of Elisabeth and realize that if I skip something, nothing bad will happen.
On the much cheerier topic of holiday jammies: my family and I did the matching jams ONCE, in 2020, and it was fun and funny. And then we never wore them again. So why am I contemplating doing it again this year…? Who knows.
Elisabeth
First I am also a PRE-STRESSER. We should start a support group 🙂
And I can’t believe the rotten luck with your Thanksgiving plans. Of course you want to have The Best Christmas Ever!!! And I bet it’s going to be absolutely amazing <3
I think we contemplate these things - in answer to your matching jammie question - because we see smiling faces wearing matching jammies and think the answer to getting those smiles is the PJs. Sometimes it might elicit smiles but, more often than not, it cost a lot of money and nobody cares about it. It becomes a photo op and maybe nothing else (I'm generalizing here because it sounds like it was a lot of fun for your family in 2020).
It's not our fault for buying into these things. We're fed these ideas 24/7 now. And it can be hard - or impossible - to tell the difference between what really brings us joy and what we are led to believe is the key to unlocking joy. It doesn't mean that matching jammies are wrong; the exact opposite. For many people it brings Joy and I say go for it. Buy a dozen pairs of matching PJs. But if it feels like a slog and elicits feelings of dread, it could/should probably be dropped?
For example, we exchange ornaments every Christmas Eve. This is a tradition we all love. It takes some work and forethought but I don't dread it. The opposite is true: we all love to see the newest addition to our Christmas tree decor. But this year, dreading the Live Nativity was my cue to drop it.
Jenny
You have a great list of “no”s here! As much as I love Christmas, I’m with you on most of them. We’ve never done matching pajamas, and I’m positive my daughter would NOT participate in such a thing, even if I tried. For years and years, I made gingerbread houses FROM SCRATCH for the kids to decorate. So, I made two gingerbread houses every year. Last year I suggested skipping it, and the kids were totally fine with that. HOORAY. I will be doing some baking, and will give cookies as gifts… but probably not as extensively as i have in other years.
We do get a real tree, but I’m pretty positive there’s nowhere in South Florida to actually go cut your own. We’ll just go to a tree lot and buy one (tomorrow!).
I’m hoping to attend no holiday parties, BUT there’s one thing on your list I enjoy, and that’s finding really nice wrapping paper for the “Santa” gifts. It’s not matching, but I’m picky about colors and designs.
It sounds like you’re setting yourself up for a VERY nice Christmas!
Elisabeth
I think you deserve a medal for making your own gingerbread houses FROM SCRATCH. Wow, Jenny! That’s incredible. But also nice your kids were okay to skip it!
J
I love this so much! Why suck all of the fun and joy out of a holiday by stressing yourself out? I planned my post about Self-Care back in September when I heard the podcast, but I’ll admit I was thinking of YOU and the excellent boundaries you are setting when I was writing it on Saturday.
When we were all younger and sugar didn’t spike everyone’s blood sugar like it does now, and when my husband’s family lived closer (some have moved about 2 hours away, that used to live in our town) we had a great Christmas tradition, which was baking day. We would all gather one Saturday in December, probably 12 of us, and everyone would bake 1 thing (some over achievers would bake 2) and then we would divide them all up so we had gifts to give. I’ll admit that I didn’t do anything fancy to mine, I just put them on a paper plate and brought them to work, or in a box to send to my Grandma. The highlight was gathering, listening to music, laughing, and eating Kentucky Fried Chicken (the one time a year we generally had it.) I kinda miss baking day, but those days are GONE.
We went to see ‘A Christmas Carol’ in San Francisco once, and I remember the awe on my daughter’s face when we walked in (late, the play was already started, bah humbug to us! Though they did let us in for free because they couldn’t sell tickets once it was started.) when she saw the stage and the actors and everything. It was wonderful. We went out for ice cream after and it was a great evening. We went again the next year, and it felt like trying to recreate the magic, and nah, it didn’t really work. So yeah, sometimes once is enough.
Elisabeth
Yes – SUCH A GOOD POINT. Sometimes trying to recreate the same tradition doesn’t feel magical. Some things are once and done.
I feel the same about our tree lighting in town. We went one year and it was AMAZING. Warm and fun and just like something out of a Hallmark movie. The next year we went – with a brand-new colicky infant (L) – and it was horrible and I felt so deflated because I expected it to be this perfect thing every year. We’ve never gone back and I kinda wish we had only gone the one year so my sole memory was of a perfect evening!
NGS
We have been very low-key since COVID for the holidays, but this year WE’RE BACK. I mean, don’t get me wrong, we have three big events scheduled for December that are holiday-related (going to lights at the Rotary Gardens, the Zoo, and going to a Nutcracker performance) and that seems like A LOT. This weekend we will put up a tree, decorate it, get the outside lights up, and order cards and our ornament.
But I think I’m going to go very minimal with gifts this year. I have made myself insane in the past and I just want to be done with it this year. Everyone’s getting a long-sleeved tshirt, a notebook, and fancy pens. That is my decree.
Elisabeth
Hear, hear. I will be the town crier of your decree, Engie <3
Ally Bean
I agree with you 100% about not doing all the things every Christmas season. Do what brings you joy this year and smile. I like your list, btw. Oddly enough just this week I decided that there’d be no newsletter in our cards this year. It seems redundant when we’re on social media and I write a public personal blog. How much more could there be to know about us?
Elisabeth
Basically nobody on my Christmas list reads my blog so they won’t know many details about our year, but that’s okay. It also means they’re not super close to me anymore (I’m thinking distant aunts/uncles) and some of them – most of them – I’ve actually seen in 2023. So I’m okay with it. Everyone will survive and it feels wonderful to take something off my list.
Linda
I LOVE this post, now it is my favorite ever! I’m probably your most senior reader and I confess that, at 70, I am still learning these lessons. Thank you for your wise perspective on not overdoing Christmas.
I am saying “no” to:
—extended family gifts—
—a fancy Christmas Day dinner and opting for a relaxed dinner of some kind of comfort food
—traveling for a big extended family Christmas (but I can try to spend some time with each of my siblings after the holidays)
—using ALL of the holday decorations
—doing fancy wrapping with ribbon
—singing in the community Christmas show (that was so much fun all the years I participated)
—Secret Santa exchanges that result in little useless (but cute) things!
I am saying “yes” to:
—listening to Christmas music as much as I want, thank you very much!
—going on many walks, alone and with family
—ordering as many gifts as possible online
—getting wrapping done early
—enjoying Advent services at my church
—sending out Christmas cards (my husband writes the letter)
—enjoying one musical performance, tickets already purchased
—rereading old children’s books about Christmas
Sounds like so much fun! Best holiday wishes to all—
Linda
Elisabeth
Oh Linda, what a kind, kind comment. Thanks for sharing and for really brightening my day <3
- Comfort food on Christmas Day = perfection.
- Less is often more with decorating. Last year I donated all the things I didn't actually like putting up. Why store things I just keep leaving in the box year after year?
And I love your "Yes" list. I should do a post about the things I'll be saying Yes to!
Lisa's Yarns
I don’t do most of these things in any given year! I love getting letters from others in their Christmas card but Phil would NEVER be on board with this. He is such a private unstated kind of person (yes, me having a blog is not his favorite thing but he’s accepted it). So we’ve settled on brief updates on the back of our Christmas card. We’ve never had a real tree, the boys and I have had matching jammies but there is NO way Phil would ever wear them.
We are going to a live show, though – we will see The Grinch in mid-December and I am very excited since my boys both LOVE the Grinch. Paul and I went last year and this year Taco will come too since he can sit pretty well for shows so I think he’ll do well with this live production at the Children’s Theater.
I’ve never done a “fun list” for seasons actually. I love lists but I don’t really want to make a checklist of things to do. I can see why people do it as it can be motivating, but I tend more towards spontaneity as a parent even though spontaneous is NOT how I would describe myself. At all. But you have to factor in moods and energy levels and health and I HATE to not do something on my list.
Elisabeth
Yes to all of this. And also, I LOVE THE GRINCH and 100% wish I could go to that show with you <3
Nicole MacPherson
I have never once bought family matching pajamas. My husband would have never stood for it for one thing, but for another…I just didn’t. However, we all have WWE Christmas sweaters! Lol, they are the ugliest things you have ever seen but now they are a part of our zeitgeist.
Elisabeth
Those sweaters are golden!
mbmom11
I have said no to making treats for friends. I used to bake my special breakfast pastry for about 8 other families, wrap them festively in foil and bows, and send the kids out to deliver. Well, some people have moved, some people are now on special diets, and I just don’t have the energy. I might not do Christmas cards this year, either. I’d like to give my kids experiences and not presents, but not all adults in the house are on board with that idea.
SK
I don’t do a bunch of these things but never have so it doesn’t feel like a relief to drop them.
My two oldest are teens and want fewer but more expensive presents. I skipped buying for my husband’s family last year (they don’t really reciprocate either) which was awesome. I am also NOT going to sign the kids up for the church Christmas concert which would monopolize several weekends with rehearsals.
Elisabeth
The holiday season can quickly be completely overrun with commitments which, for me at least, is exhausting!
And hooray for cutting back on gifts. Other than immediate family who we will be seeing over the holiday, we don’t exchange. So I don’t send anything to my siblings/their kids etc. And vice versa. This works wonderfully for us!
Lindsay
I love this! It’s finding the true joy in this season vs manufacturing or forcing it. I was slowly spiraling last night trying to find a picture of the 3 of us that could go on a card (after unsuccessfully trying to find one of all of us + the dog) and I had this moment of “not this year” pass over me that I’m leaning into. We are forgoing lists and busy weekends and complications and focusing on what brings us joy (lights and decorations, our fake tree – plus 2 more in LM’s room – and its mismatching ornaments, movie nights, and baking everyone’s favorite cookie). It feels like a weight has been lifted during a weird holiday year for us, which is a gift unto itself.
Elisabeth
Sometimes we have to come to the end of “the rope” to realize that we never had to keep hanging on anyway?
This has been a tough year for me emotionally and knowing that I simply can’t do it all is such a relief. I mean, I never did, no one ever does, but just having more grace to say no to basically anything that feels overwhelming…and not fun?!
Tierney
This reads like a very Grinch-y list on first pass but what I love about it is you know what will make a great holiday for you and your family! Also, I love the very “IG vs real-life” side of things you present- that outdoor pageant sounds miserable, IRL hahaha.
Elisabeth
The pageant was…fun. But also stressful! AND SO DARN COLD. SO. COLD. (Living in Canada in the winter is overrated.) And it’s just not a good fit for me this season.
And, yup, I can definitely be Grinchy 🙂
Gigi
Saying NO is perfectly fine – reasonable even. The Christmas holiday is so very stressful as it is; why add more stress than necessary?
I do Christmas jammies – but not for all of us (The Husband would never go for it). I get the Happy Couple matching jammies, but only on sale. And thinking about it, my mom never got us matching or Christmas themed jammies when we were kids (was that even a thing back then? Doubtful.); just new ones.
I love to bake treats for my friends and neighbors – but it can be exhausting to do it all at once. I discovered the wonderful ability to freeze the dough months in advance and I love it. Now, it generally just takes a few minutes (after thawing the dough) to bake the cookies. The almond bark and peanut butter fudge take next to no time at all; so other than the spritz cookies my baking session is almost stress free. And I will be experimenting with freezing that dough this year to see if that works.
Elisabeth
I don’t see my husband getting on board with matching jammies, either.
Brilliant to freeze the dough. I don’t make too many special things for Christmas, but ALWAYS make peanut butter balls and those are 100% incredible in the freezer. Which reminds me…I really should start making batches of those special treat soon.
San
I think it’s fantastic that you’re practicing to say “no” to things this year. I know – as a self-professed people pleaser – that it’s hard to say no and I always feel a little guilty when I do, but I think it’s also just “practice”. The more you do it, and really ask yourself what YOU want, and not what others want, it gets easier with time and you’ll be able to look back on a holiday season on your own terms! That’s a priceless gift to yourself!
Elisabeth
It IS hard to say no.
Beckett @ Birchwood Pie
Not doing these things sounds like a very nice Christmas present to give yourself! Yeah, it’s just too much.
Elisabeth
I love framing this as a Christmas gift to myself. Genius, Birchie <3
Emily
Sounds like a great “no” list. Honestly, newsletters are the old time version of Facebook, with all the brags and glamorous trips on one sheet, hate getting them and will never write one! I personally intentionally try to have as many different wrapping papers under the tree as I can, I think it’s more festive, just like a tree with a jumble of personal ornaments vs pretty glass ones. I hope the season is wonderful for you!
Elisabeth
I don’t have social media so a lot of people only learned about what our family was up to in those newsletters (think aunts and uncles)…but do they really need to know! If they DON’T know it means we’re not super close and, since I send a photocard, they get to see how the kids are growing.
Oh we are a jumbled tree ALL. THE. WAY. One of our traditions is to get a new ornament for everyone each year (that way, when the kids are grown/leave, they’ll have a special collection). So while it is a jumble, it’s a very meaningful jumble. Every ornament reminds us of a phase of life (like my son got a Pokemon ornament last year because he was SOOOO into Pokemon). I got my husband a glittery Eiffel tower to commemorate the year we visited Paris etc.
Allison McCaskill
Love this for you! I love holiday parties and giving away baking, but I only give away salted toffee pretzel bark now, which is easy to make multiple trays of and keeps and travels well. I love the IDEA of matching pajamas, and one year my mom and I got them for the boy cousins, the girl cousins, and the husbands, which was fun and hilarious, but it’s SO expensive!
The holiday season is so stressful and work-intensive, particularly for women. Deciding not to do even the good things (because too many good things turns into a bad thing) is really brilliant.
Elisabeth
You had me at salted toffee pretzel bark!
And yes – those matching jammies do NOT come cheap.
Tobia | craftaliciousme
I am not enough in the Christmas spirit to actually wrap my mind around this.
The Christmas tree – unfortunately – is something I always have to pick up by myself. The husband doesn’t care too much.
I am thinking about baking some cookies but I am far from the intense baking sessions I did in my twenties when 20 kg of flour was the average that was baked into ginger bread and cookies. All frosted of course.
One thing I won’t be doing is seeing friends or acquaintances that I haven’t seen at least once in the year yet. If it wasn’t important to meet in 11 month it is not in the 12th.
I will most definitely watch a ton of Christmas movies though.
Elisabeth
20 kg of flour! Wow. That is a lot of cookies 🙂 And frosted?!
Ernie
I read this days ago but I was feeding a baby a bottle and just realized I never commented. I am all about not over committing at the holidays. We buy a real tree which is a must for me. Coach is ready for artificial. I think setting up my Christmas houses and decorating in general is a drag for me. It looks lovely when it is done, but it is time consuming and it involves shuffling things to other places to make room the the houses. I plan to set the houses up but might request help from the kids this year. Decorating the tree is fun but it gets harder every year to find time to decorate it when all the kids are home. We have 3 December birthdays too. Mine. Tank’s. And Curly. I do a shit ton of baking at the holidays and I might be hosting my side for Christmas, which is upwards of 35 people- mostly adults.
Elisabeth
My husband is also ready for artificial upstairs and sometimes…I think I’m ready for that. But the real tree just smells soooo good.
35 people – yikes. That sounds very overwhelming to me!
Stephany
I love this! Christmas should be FUN, not stressful. Or at least, if there are things you can take off your plate to make it less stressful, you should. I do gingerbread houses, but I get the pre-built ones because I cannot be bothered to try to make a house stand up on my own. I do it with a few girlfriends and we have a good time. I don’t do presents with friends/extended family, which definitely helps cut down on the present-buying stress.
Elisabeth
Pre built is definitely the way to go if gingerbread houses make an appearance. But I suppose some people really do enjoy building it from scratch? I can also see it being REALLY fun to do it with other adults. With kids it’s so sticky and they’re candy everywhere and…no thanks!
Daria
I loved this reflection! Our Christmas is pretty minimal… Our families live (very) far away so we don;t get together with them. But yeah, some basics: make cookies a few times, watch some movies, enjoy some presents. That’s IT 🙂
Elisabeth
The basics are the best part…
Erica
I have a totally different perspective – we’re Jewish, which gives the holiday season a different slant (there is no religious component to the end of December for us, as Hanukkah is usually earlier and always a minor holiday), and neither my husband nor I grew up with many traditions. Sometimes this feels a bit sad – after all, it’s not possible to avoid the holiday fuss or continue life as normal when everyone is off school for two weeks – but it has given me the freedom to choose how we will celebrate this time and slowly incorporate traditions that we love.
Gingerbread houses are one of my favorite traditions. We make them out of graham crackers, premade cookie frosting, and m&ms. This is a pretty low-stakes way to do the project (no precious homemade, perfectly-cut pieces) and while there is a lot of sugar consumed and a fair amount of mess, it all wipes up pretty quickly. The houses are not beautiful and we usually eat them up in a few days so storage isn’t an issue.
Elisabeth
I’ve heard a few people mention the graham cracker houses which sound a) so much easier and b) a lot more delicious than overcooked gingerbread!
Anne
This reminds me of the quote, “When you say yes to something, you are saying no to something else” or some variation thereof. Think of all the things you are saying YES to (comfy pajamas and couch!)! It seems like you’re taking the time and space to really care for *yourself*, and I hope that you feel a sense of relief at all of the unnecessary extra things that are not bringing you joy right now. <3
Elisabeth
I love that quote because it is so true!
I am feeling very glad that I have more white space ahead. It’s time, I’m ready, and I’m excited!