Some people are pure magic with small talk. (Joy, this is your cue to take a bow.) These people could talk to a doorframe and somehow get a response. I, on the other hand, tend to avoid small talk like the plague. When I do find myself in one of those conversations — waiting in line or stuck in the middle seat of a flight — I usually leave feeling like I need a nap. It’s oddly draining for something that’s supposed to be so light and casual. Anyone else?
But, like it or not (often not!), small talk is part of life. I’ve learned there are certain topics that make the experience enjoyable for me…and others that make me want the floor to swallow me whole.
TOP FIVE
- The weather. Look, it’s basic for a reason. It’s easy, it’s universal, and there’s always something to say. “Can you believe this rain?” or “It’s great to see sunshine.” — the bar is low, and that’s kind of perfect.
- Funny stories. Yes, please tell me about the time your dog crashed your Zoom meeting or you accidentally wore mismatched shoes to an event. Humour breaks the ice and I love to laugh. I think it also tends to make everyone feel more relatable and approachable.
- Their hobbies. I like seeing people light up about something they’re passionate about; tell me about your obsession with birdwatching and I’ll try to keep up. That said, if I have zero connection to the subject, it’s hard to stay locked in, especially if they insist on droning on and on.
- Travel. Swapping travel stories is fun, especially if you’ve happened to visit the same place!
- TV/Books. Tricky but rewarding. If our tastes overlap, this is a treasure trove. A good recommendation can turn a dull conversation into a highlight of my day. (But if we’re on different wavelengths, it can feel like trying to understand inside jokes I’ve never heard before. Awkward!)
BOTTOM FIVE
- Politics. Nope. Not in line at the grocery store, not at a baby shower, at at the hairdresser. I’m happy to have deep, nuanced conversations about politics with people I already know, though even then I’d often rather avoid. But for casual chit-chat? Hard no!
- Parenting strategies Someone always ends up feeling judged, inadequate, or both. There’s a time and place for sharing hard-won wisdom, but small talk isn’t it.
- Professional pursuits. This one makes me squirm. I don’t have a neat job title, and explaining my patchwork of gigs feels awkward. Honestly, I wish I had a business card that just said, “It’s complicated.”
- Faith. I love talking about Jesus. It’s one of my favourite conversations. But not as casual chit-chat with a stranger. I’d rather let my actions speak — like not swearing if a flight attendant spills a drink in my lap — and hope that invites curiosity rather than launch into a theological TED Talk at 35,000 feet.
- Endless specifics. You know the type. Someone starts describing their renovation plans in excruciating detail or shows me 47 pictures of their dog wearing holiday outfits. I’m sure it’s all deeply meaningful — to them. But my attention span checked out somewhere around photo 12 (unless it’s Rex or Hannah, of course). If you have that much to share, might I suggest starting a blog?!
Small talk can be fun and light…or a slow, painful drip. I don’t always love it, but knowing which topics light me up (and which drain me dry) makes it a little easier to navigate.
Your turn.
- Who here likes small talk? Who avoids it like the plague?
- What are your Top Five/Bottom Five go-to small talk topics?
- What’s one small talk topic you secretly love but feel weird bringing up?
- Is there a question you wish people asked you more often in casual conversation?
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mbmom11
I’m all about the weather for small talk. I’ll comment on something about their clothes/hair/style that’s really nice or interesting. The size of the crowd( big or small) always useful. I’ll listen to chat about general kid or pet stuff all day. And , although sometimes it’s tiresome, I will let you comment on the size of my family. ( 11 kids always leads to commentary – pro or con – but I find that someone always has a story about a big family they know. )
Please no talk about major health issues, family fights, your latest romance, politics, or legal issue.
Something that can be fraught: my daughter’s disability is visible (DS) so sometimes people will comment about it. It can be very shallow ( oh she must be an angel – um,no she’s a kid with upset and downs) or it detours into very heavy territory ( in a store, some older lady patting her head and crying about her child with DS who passed).
I know I do a verbal barrage about my kids to the poor librarians or friends, but only on a hard day. I’m trying not to!
Elisabeth
I can see why your daughter’s special needs can be such a difficult topic of conversation, especially with strangers who don’t know you or have any context. I’m so sorry you’ve had to navigate such uncomfortable situations.
Love the idea of compliments. I do this too! It helps break the ice and puts the other party at ease. Everyone likes a (genuine) compliment! Or sometimes I’ll ask for advice as part of small talk, too. About relatively benign topics, but it can be handy to get an extra opinion, especially from someone that doesn’t know me.
Daria
Overall I despise small talk. Any of it. But if pressed I don’t mind talking about:
1. My work -teaching is fun to discuss both from positive and negative sides
2. Money- I love talking about money and I think the topic should stop being so taboo, but that means it’s no longer can be considered small talk…
3. Books
4. Kids – both positive and realistic aspects of kids
5. Where I come from and where I grew up
Spare me: weather (boring), news (I’m living under a rock), any latest fad, social media “happenings”, religion, exercise (ha), and like you said any super detailed project descriptions.
Thais is a great topic, thank you, Elisabeth!
Elisabeth
Your job as a teacher would be so fascinating to hear about. Everyone’s lives have been (or are being/will be) touched by educators!
Jen
Is it that weird that I love small talk? I remember my mom getting into a long, detailed convo with someone while waiting in line at Disney when I was a child. I have now become that person. I will talk and listen about anything. Topics include:
1. A book you read (ever)
2. What you are growing in your garden
3. Travel plans (real or imagined)
4. Detailed budget decisions or good deals you got
5. Homeschool curriculum or philosophy
6. Favorite recipes
7. Holiday traditions
8. Tips on . . . (minimalism, homekeeping, penny pinching, decorating, organizing)
9. Life hacks
10. How you got into your line of work (or homemaking)
Getting in contact with other peoples’ choices, thoughts, experiences inspires me and makes me think. Probably why I’m still reading blogs after all these years. I never know when a new idea (like a conviction I need to get up at 5am) is going to strike and set me on a path that is good for me. So I keep listening and talking 😉
mbmom11
Hi – do you have a blog? I’d love to read about your homeschool philosophy. I had my second foray into homeschooling my teen this semester, and it leaves me wondering if I’m doing it right!
Elisabeth
Not weird at all! And my mom sounds EXACTLY like you mom. We used to spend Saturday afternoon at a skating rink and I swear it could take my mom an hour to make one loop around the rink because she kept running into people she knew (she was a nurse in a local medical practice, so she saw A LOT of people and she is so open and engaging they always wanted to stop and talk to her).
Love the idea of holiday traditions. And yes to life hacks. I just feel like I don’t always remember these ideas when I’m “on the spot” since I often find small talk intimidating…
“Getting in contact with other peoples’ choices, thoughts, experiences inspires me and makes me think.” Yes to this!
Birchie
Conversation is a lot easier if both parties are bloggers, I can tell you that much!
I love it when a casual remark about hobbies/travel/TV/books sparks a whole long discussion. It makes up for all the times when these things go nowhere. The weather can be good, but there is also a high risk of “how ’bout that rain?”/”yep” and that’s the entire conversation.
Elisabeth
Ha! I loved how Kyria and I could skip right to the good stuff. I felt like I already knew her so well (and, funnily enough, she basically already understood the footprint of my house before she arrived which was hilarious).
Coree
Oh, I love meeting strangers, but I HATE diet talk as small talk/female bonding. Like “Ooh, I shouldn’t eat this…” Tell me what you’re reading, travelling, some minor gossip from your social circles.
As a non-TV person, I get frustrated when someone (ahem, MIL) recounts the plot of something I am NEVER going to watch.
Elisabeth
Diet talk!!!! Agreed that is SO fraught and something I avoid at all costs with a stranger.
I hate when people try to explain plots to me!
Sarah
I totally agree with your bottom 5. I hate long-winded explanations of stuff too. I don’t mind small talk much. At work if the lunch conversation is dragging I will sometimes ask people what they are making for dinner. Everyone has to eat…
Elisabeth
You’re so wise to pick topics that everyone is going to be able to speak about – we do all eat. Plus, I bet you get all sorts of good ideas. It could become a group brainstorm of go-to meals or new things to try!
Nicole MacPherson
It should not surprise you that I love small talk. I could talk to a chair if it had a picture of a smiley face on it. What I’m saying is, invite me to your parties. I don’t talk politics and I don’t talk parenting but I DO talk about other people’s professions. Sometimes they are really interesting. (did you ever watch Seinfeld, when Kramer talks about proctologists as the best people to have at a party?). The weather is always a great topic, and I usually can figure out what someone is interested in talking about, so I always go there. I’m definitely a person who asks a million questions. I find people endlessly fascinating, even with things like their astrological sign or birth order. Or how they met the person whose party we are at (why am I assuming this is a party?). I often talk about what people have in their carts at Superstore, in a “I’ve always wanted to try that, is it good” sort of way. Sometimes the small talk will get wildly personal, like the time the cashier at Superstore and I talked about what we wanted to do with our bodies when we died. I also discovered the woman doing my bikini sugaring was brought up evangelical, and that led to some interesting conversation as I was lying there half naked.
Elisabeth
This does NOT surprise me and the conversations you have discussed on your blog have had me in STITCHES sometimes (often related to grocery shopping!)
I bet your ability to naturally gauge what people are interested in and genuine interest in other people was a huge part of why you were such an incredible yoga instructor <3
Nicole MacPherson
Oh and I forgot, I love talking about other people’s health, particularly if they have a medical issue. I find people often want someone just to listen to them about their bunions or digestive issues or whatever and I am here for this conversation.
Elisabeth
Bunions – haha. What’s a step too far? Haemorrhoids?
Jenny
So, fun fact- my dad HATED small talk- he just didn’t get it. So, he was really, REALLY bad at it. He was an interesting guy, but there’s a time and place to talk about Abraham Lincoln, bebop jazz, or Buddhism. Those are not small talk topics. I also heard him ask people- in a “small talk” situation, “Do you ever get depressed?” WRONG.
That said- I’ve actually gotten really good at small talk over the years, because of my job. I see many clients a day, and most of them like to talk a little (or, during the whole massage… not my favorite.) Weather is one of the best topics. And while I agree parenting strategies is a huge NO, general kid talk can be great- how old are your kids, where do they go to school, etc. Even if I feel like I have nothing else in common with a person, kids are usually a great common ground.
I agree- politics are off limits (especially now, sheesh.) Small talk should definitely be kept on a superficial level- that’s why it’s “small.”
Daria
Your dad is me LOL What do you mean there is time and place to take about beebop??? How about ceramics? I once asked someone what they do in their free time and they looked at me like I have two heads LOL
Elisabeth
DO YOU EVER GET DEPRESSED! Jenny, this is hands down the funniest thing I’ve read all day. Not the depression part – that’s serious – but the fact your dad would think that is suitable small talk (though, I bet it was a relief to some people to admit that yes, they did get depressed). Still…HILARIOUS.
You must have to do a lot of small talk. I bet you’ve heard some fascinating things from people on your massage table!
Catrina
Oh, this is such a good topic – and I really liked your top and bottom five! The comments are just as fascinating. It’s always interesting to see what hits or misses for different people.
I often find myself trying a bit too hard to unearth the topic that will light a spark in the other person. Not always successful. 😂
But the other day, I met up with a woman in Zurich I don’t know very well and decided to try a completely different approach. I was all excited about my upcoming trip to Boston for the marathon, so I just led with that. She’s not into exercising at all – but it actually worked! She jumped in, and it broke the ice in such an easy, natural way. From there, we slid into a topic she was interested in, and the conversation flowed.
I was honestly surprised how well it worked. Might try this method again next time and see what happens!
Elisabeth
Sometimes small talk feels effortless! I love it at that point, especially because there are generally no emotional attachments so it feels less weighty in a way (if that makes sense).
Your natural enthusiasm for such a big life event (BOSTON) would be a great topic to start with…and as someone who has never run Boston but of course have heard about it all my life, I’d love to talk to someone who has an inside scoop on how the whole thing works.
Bijoux
I love meeting new people, especially at parties, so I guess I enjoy small talk? Totally agree with your bottom 5 topics, though I would also add in weather (I feel as though it’s overdone, plus what more is there to say?) and I also don’t like to talk about medical issues because people can go on and on and on and often be graphic (no thanks!)
I ask people where they grew up, as I often find something in common, whether through travel or knowing others who are from that area. I find that people love to talk about themselves, so asking questions is always the way to go.
Elisabeth
Yes! Almost without exception people love talking about themselves, and I think it’s genius to ask people where they grew up. And that can quickly morph into where they’ve moved and the various life changes that may have precipitated each new chapter.
Colleen Martin
Growing up in a vacation spot and scooping ice cream meant that we had to do small talk a lot with customers. I always asked where they were from (easy and interesting) or their plans for the day/night. Now I love figuring out how I’m connected to people – so anything we have in common, anyone we both know, family history, etc. There’s a thrill that comes with making a genuine match somewhere, and the inevitable “What a small world!” comments that follow.
I can’t stand people who know-it-all and lead small talk with “Did you know…” or “Actually…” or ask you what you mean about something you just said.
Elisabeth
Those sound like perfect bite-sized questions for people visiting your ice cream store! And I bet you’re genuinely interested, and people must appreciate if you’re able to give pointers with regard to their itinerary.
Central Calif. Artist Jana
DO NOT tell me about your health troubles or the fact that your nephew/aunt/great grandmother/anyone you know is an artist. Boring. Awkward (because said “artist” draws muscle men, cartoons, or race cars rather than actually earns a living at art).
In the grocery store down the hill in Big Town this week, as often happens, the person ahead of me in line had a ton of trouble which brought forward motion to a halt. I turned to the man behind me and said, “I should have warned you to not be behind me because whatever line I’m in usually stops”. He said, ‘You look familiar”. I said, “I’m from Three Rivers”. He said, “So am I”, so I stuck out my hand and said, “Hi, I’m Jana”. He said my last name with a question mark, I confirmed, and he introduced himself. Because our town is so small, we knew of each other and have many friends in common.
That’s my favorite kind of small talk!
Elisabeth
That’s a great way to pass the time in a stagnant grocery line! My parents live near a small town and I feel like they literally know EVERYONE (and it feels like everyone is related to everyone else).
Lisa's Yarns
I like small talk with friends/coworkers/family. I LOATHE small talk with strangers. I would rather just stay silent. I love that I am able to take Uber comfort which allows you to set your conversation preference – I request quiet. If we are never going to meet again, we do not need to talk IMO. Yes, I know that sounds awful but so it goes…
I love to talk about the weather, the season, travel, hobbies, sports, and people’s kids. I hate talking about health matters (even my own – I can’t imagine talking about my RA is interesting to others!), politics, religion, etc. Things that are nuanced in general are topics i do not want to casually discuss! And I really do not want to talk about financial markets. I do that in my day job, I don’t want it to seep into my social life. But I think people assume I want to talk about it. Except my area of expertise (bonds) is not super relevant to my peer group as young people should be more invested in equities. So I do not have any hot takes/advice on how to invest, beside generally encouraging people to contribute to their 401ks.
Elisabeth
This is an important distinction. Sometimes I find it easier with a complete stranger and sometimes I find it harder. It all depends on the context AND the personality of the person I’m talking too, of course.
“If we are never going to meet again, we do not need to talk IMO.” Haha. I find it so awkward in Ubers. Do I talk? Do I not? Sometimes I barely speak any of their language. I always feel unsure and let them take the lead.
I’m sure it is endlessly frustrating when experts are asked for advice (like small talk with someone you learn is a doctor turning into asking medical questions.) I can appreciate you wanting to leave financial advice at the door to your office!
NGS
Top Five
1) Weather – hands down, this is my default
2) Favorite books/podcasts
3) Where do you grocery shop? (This is where the best discussions are in the Midwest)
4) Cars – Okay, I don’t care about cars, but if you get people started on car shopping, you learn things. You learn things about cars and people’s preferences and priorities and it’s sort of fun.
5) Pets- YES! I want to see pictures of your dogs, cats, hamsters, turtles, fish, and ferrets. I want to hear you talk about the funny things they do.
6) This is a bonus – asking couples where they met is always a fun topic!
Bottom Five
1) Jobs/careers – Ugh. What if someone is in transition or has a top secret job?
2) Kids extracurriculars – I don’t care about soccer games and I really don’t want a play-by-play. I don’t want to hear about Little Johnny’s tuba concert. I want to know about academics, do they have friends, and what they like to do in their free time (if this involves them telling me about baseball, I’ll take it – but most of the time it doesn’t).
3) Politics – I was at a party last weekend and literally kept leaving groups when it turned this way WHICH IT ALWAYS DOES.
4) Travel – Sorry, but I don’t care about your cruise in Norway. Yikes. That’s probably unpopular.
5) Home repair – I think this is particular to me. We need to do some major repairs and I’m so stressed out about it and when people talk about it, I just hate it.
Elisabeth
Love your bonus!! What a fun question and a great way to “kill two birds with one stone” if you’re making small talk with a couple. You’re a genius, Engie <3
I hate renovations and repairs and anything to do with handyman things around our home and I feel like the list is growing and we're doing nothing AND I AM GETTING STRESSED, TOO. I promise if you come to visit me, I will not mention anything about home repairs. Deal?
M. Jean Pike
Ugh, small talk. I’m a cashier and I get a never ending supply of it. I can enjoy it in small doses, but after eight straight hours, it doesn’t matter what the topic is– I’m drained.
Elisabeth
That does sound so draining! And of course customer 100 wants equal attention and energy that customer 1 wanted. I would be drained after 20 minutes, so gold stars for making it through an entire shift.
Alexandra
The weather is always good for small talk, which can also lead to other adjacent topics, holidays, plants, gardens (gardening) which can lead to food/cooking. I love how small talk can have a life of it’s own. But it’s true, it is an art form, and sometimes that small talk strays into a lot of personal topics, like when you’re at the hairdresser.
Stay away from the personal and I’m more than happy to chat about most topics.
Elisabeth
I feel like the weather in CANADA makes for a great topic because it’s so varied and feels like a very Canadian thing to do, especially in rural areas.
Michelle G.
I’m such an introvert, and I’m awful and awkward at small talk. I hate going to parties, meetings, or events! But if I have to attend anything, I thank God when people like Nicole are there! I’m so grateful that there are extroverts who love people and who will start up a conversation and make me feel included. I’m very unlikely to start up a conversation with a stranger, but I usually enjoy it when people start talking to me. I especially like it when they just talk about themselves and don’t ask me too many questions. (Of course, this is all completely different when I’m with close friends and family.)
My favorite topics are
1. Pets
2. Hobbies
3. Travel
4. Family
5. People’s jobs
My least favorite topics are
1. Politics
2. Diets
3. Religion
4. Sports
5. Cars (Don’t tell Indy!)
Elisabeth
I hate parties and meetings and events, too! Ugh. One-on-one. Golden. Put me in a room with a bunch of strangers and I would almost always wish to be anywhere else.
I don’t like talking about cars, either! I just nod my head when he talks and pretend like I understand/am listening. Actually listening is what his father is for. I do like talking about Formula 1, though. Our mechanics are huge Formula 1 fans, and I just love chatting with them about nuances from a recent race. I know exactly what small talk to bring up when I take my car in for an inspection in a few weeks.
Diane
I generally like small talk, but I think I’m just nosy- um I mean curious- about people.
I think one of my favorite openers is,”What’s keeping you busy lately?” I like it because people can answer how they want- it can be about family or work or hobbies… it’s very versatile.
I also like to ask people if they have any scars. Maybe not the first time we meet, but at some point- I find it brings some very interesting stories.
I don’t like to talk about myself- which is probably a little unfair since I love hearing about other people. Or sports, unless it’s the Olympics.
I do wonder about people in service industries if they are just having the same conversation over and over again all day? Like my dental hygienist- we always talk about our kids and the weather and she always seems as if I’m the first person to ask her that day, but surely I’m not!
Elisabeth
Curiosity is a glorious thing! I think I just get really nervous and, to be fair, would rather just sit quietly and not have to engage.
What’s keeping you busy lately is PERFECT. I should tattoo this on my arm to remind myself of the perfect ice breaker for small talk with a stranger. Perfectly open-ended.
One of my sisters is a hygienist and she gets really invested in her patients and knows about their kids/jobs etc. So I think it’s almost a bit like catching up with someone you start to feel like you know but you’re only seeing in short snippets a few times a year.
Rebecca (the Farm Wife)
I cannot do small talk. I mean, I can – when forced – but please don’t force me! When I was at the library, it was so bad … because it’s like everyone who came in thought they could tell us *everything* and we were quite literally a captive audience behind the circulation desk and I would run out of “peopling energy” by 10:30am on Monday some weeks, lol…
That said … I can hold my own when it comes to:
– the weather
– my garden
– books
– random beekeeping facts
– random funny pet/animal stories
But please, for the love of heaven, let us avoid politics, religion, and questionable recreational activities as if they were a legitimate plague!
Elisabeth
So many times I’ve thought of applying for a job at our library when I’m older and it’s the small talk that has convinced me I will never, ever do it.
Stephany
I am so, so bad at small talk. I want to be good at it! I envy my friends who can engage just about anyone in conversation. But I have social anxiety, which means my brain just fully shuts down when I’m in a social setting with strangers. I have so many things I WANT to ask them – about their job, or what they’re reading or watching, or the weather, or their pets or children… but my brain goes offline and I can’t even remember any questions to ask.
Have you read the book Supercommunicators? It’s all about these people who are so good at communicating with people, and the author had lots of good tidbits, including having a few questions that you always ask people so you don’t have to try to remember it when you’re stuck in a convo. I never came up with my list of questions but I need to!