This is the third time I’ve reposted this little “essay.” The first time it was new, the second time I wanted to share it again since it really does feel like a pivotal moment for me as a mother. And now, the third time, it’s because I’ve never memorialized this moment on my new blog and I wanted to be able to link back to it!
When my daughter was born life turned upside down – literally. Delivery required far more medical intervention than I had expected and my vision of motherhood – rocking a contented baby, having hours just melt away while I watched her delicate little features in sweet slumber – couldn’t have been further from reality.
I’d pour a bowl of cereal at 8 AM and, if I was lucky, eat it by noon. The first few months were a haze of sleepless nights and days filled with tears (hers and mine) while we navigated infections, colic, and endless feeding challenges.
The biggest sticking point: I’d always planned to nurse my children. It was healthy, economical, convenient. It was also what a good mother would do. Not only did I want to do it, I was inundated by messaging that encouraged, championed, and elevated this aspect of mothering. I was also surrounded by mothers that could do it. Baby-hour at the library was basically a lesson in how to feed and nurture your little one naturally; you could find me wallowing in a corner covertly wielding a bottle.
I dealt with these things – as one does – by cycling through stages of denial, anger, depression, and pseudo acceptance (there wasn’t much bargaining to do; she was 2 months old). I researched techniques, bought supplements, and consulted experts. Eventually, I conceded defeat.
Spoiler alert: she got older, things got easier. By 9 months she was pure joy – full of all the spunk and personality we cherish today; happy and practically perfect in every way. Though the crying was behind us, guilt lingered. And then a new friend entered my life and managed to shift my entire perspective with one sentence.
This friend [it was Joy!] and I were out for an evening walk. Somehow I had circled back to discussions of feeling less-than because of my inability to naturally deliver and feed my (now toddler) daughter. This friend paused for a minute and said, wisely: “You know Elisabeth, she can still be a doctor.”
What she meant – and what I needed to hear – was that the future was unwritten. The unexpected complications of the past, which were completely out of my control, didn’t mean my daughter was doomed to a life of illness, missed opportunities, and continual disadvantages. No. If she wanted, she could still be a doctor. Or a stay-at-home mother. Or a physicist. Or an artist. Or a CEO. Or anything else her determined self wants to pursue.
When my son was born several years later, I met with a lactation consultant, did all the right things, and gave it my all for a week. When a nurse told me it simply wasn’t working and formula needed to be introduced…I cried. It was sad and hard and disappointing. But, I also knew: he can still be a doctor. Or a pro surfer. Or an electrician. Or a teacher, or a financial analyst, or a stay-at-home dad, or a playwright. The sky is the limit. No, it really is – after all, he could be an astronaut.
Your turn. Can you recall a quote or insight that had a dramatic impact in your life? What was it and who shared it with you?
Header photo by Marek Studzinski on Unsplash
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mbmom11
My perspective shifting quote:
“Why not us?”
My husband had just cone to my hospital room where I was recovering from my c- section. He had followed our daughter down to the big city NICU in the middle of the night, and I waited to hear the update. He told me the doctors were pretty sure she had DS, which might be why she was so small and having issues.
After a bit, he said, “Why not us?” He figured out that we’d be great parents for a kid with special needs- we have a big supportive family, we’re smart and can do research, lots of siblings to provide good examples and lots of love.
And that’s where my perspective came into focus. (Look, I was a complete mess after anesthesia and being awake all night and not knowing what was going on.) So that quote put me in a good frame of mind.
Similarly, when I told a good friend about her diagnosis, my friend said, ” You got this” as of course you can handle this parenting challenge. Her confidence in me helped me get through sone wobbly times.
And right now, my husband’s quote came back, as we are the ones who figured out what condition she developed, fought to get doctor appointments, and found a specialist to confirm it.
Elisabeth
Thanks so much for sharing. What an incredible reframe.
I remember when we had a series of inconclusive scans during my pregnancy with Indy, the doctors tried to prepare me for various (admittedly scary) eventualities. It was hard but, also, I did realize that if a child was to be born with special needs, we would be able to provide them with love and support. God didn’t end up including that as part of our story (at this point at least), but it is a real perspective switch.
Thinking of you today, and so glad you are able to advocate on behalf of your daughter – what a tremendous gift of love you’re able to spread.
Kristin W
Growing up, my Dad was an engineer in the military and we moved and traveled a lot and he did a lot of neat and exciting things in his life. He inspired me to be an engineer as well. In contrast, his Dad (my Grandpa) after a short stint serving in the Korean War and then a year at the Steel Mill, became a mailman for the rest of his career. He had a walking route through neighborhoods and eventually worked his way up to his own neighborhood and had lunch in his own kitchen every day. I grew up believing that my Dad’s life was the goal: the travel and different places, different homes, exciting work and meeting all kinds of people. I think I was in my 20s when my Dad made the comment about his Dad “I wonder if he had the better life”. It kind of shocked me and I think about it all the time, that there is no “better” way to live a life. I ended up marrying someone with deep ties to his family and community and our children are the 4th generation to attend their school. We still travel a lot, but their entire childhood will probably be in a single house and they will have people in their lives who will know them at all different ages. It’s not better or worse, just different and it’s OK.
Elisabeth
This is huge: “It’s not better or worse, just different and it’s OK.” I think this is a very hard lesson to learn and understand. Contentment, staying true to oneself…it’s a lot harder than it sounds. So often we pursue a goal just because we think that’s what we “should” be doing to fit some cultural standard. In reality, it really is a case of different strokes for different folks.
Here’s to embracing our circumstances and for the bravery to make changes if we realize the current mold needs to be broken!
Kyria @ Travel Spot
I love this. Obviously I never have had to deal with the feelings that come along with it, but I think that as a human, I can understand the feeling of wanting things to be “perfect,” or wanting to do the best I can, and feeling disappointed when they are not, or I “don’t.” I struggle with that in relationships, as for some, most things are good enough, but I often want them to be better. Not that I am not happy, but I am disappointed in myself. I am my worst critic. I think looking at you, I would say that you are a great mother, and your kids are well balanced and caring and happy. To me, you have done a great job. Whether or not they were breastfed is not important in the grand scheme of things. I am glad Joy was there to give you some sage advice!!
Elisabeth
I think you hit the proverbial nail on the head with the “grand scheme” comment. It’s so easy to “major in the minors” – we focus on the things that aren’t really important. But at the time, especially in light of societal pressures and hormonal vulnerabilities, it felt like SUCH A BIG DEAL.
I am so, so glad Joy gave me that lifeline and I’ve treasured it ever since. I hope the time comes when I can give some young mother struggling with breastfeeding the same advice <3
I mean...I was formula fed from Day One, and I think I managed to bumble my way through life okay? 🙂
Also, thanks for such kind words about my parenting and the kids. We're flawed humans but we do our best and there is a lot of love in our house <3
Jenny
My perspective shifting moment: “Do the easiest thing first.” I was actually about to start typing out the whole story, but I’m actually thinking I’ll put it on the blog soon!
I remember this “she can still be a doctor” moment and I love it. It’s amazing when someone can make one comment that shifts your whole perspective, and you’ll remember it your whole life.
Elisabeth
Ohhh. I can’t wait to read this blog post, Jenny. I’m intrigued.
Love the idea of doing the easiest thing first. I don’t know where you’re going with it, but I’ve often reflected on something similar. Often the popular wisdom is to start with the HARDEST thing, but it can really help with momentum to pick off some low-hanging fruit. I never underestimate the surge of energy that comes from crossing something off my list.
I think one of the cool things is we don’t necessarily realize when someone has said something that will stay with us for life. And some just end up really sticking and having a long impact. (I have a few things I’ve heard in church before that are BRANDED into my brain; I didn’t realize at the time they would be quotes I’d think/talk about so frequently, but yet they are). I guess what I’m trying to say is there is a level of excitement of knowing that any day I could hear something that has a profound impact on my life! I find that exhilarating.
NGS
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: “Yes, but the world isn’t split into good people and Death Eaters,” said Sirius with a wry smile.
I have had to remind myself of this almost daily since 2016. There are good people and really bad people, but most people are in between. And we have to deal with that. I used to think most people were good people. But that’s just not true. *sigh* Mine’s not as uplifting as yours is.
Elisabeth
It doesn’t have to be uplifting to be true…
Daria
Thank you for this post. I agree with Kyria- you are such a wonderful mom and your kids look grounded, content, and healthy. Mine was “DO YOU” Time from 2015 to 2017 was spent in fertility treatments and being pregnant with L, 2018-2019 was L’s first years, breastfeeding, stopping breast feeding after 12 months and undergoing another two fertility treatments so we can have R. In 2020, I gave birth to R, breastfed him, and dealt with pandemic, while teaching remotely, battling postpartum depression, caring for a toddler, and having a baby. In 2021 I came to a realization that I lost myself in all of these processes. So “DO YOU” as if speaking to myself was used to find the road back to Daria and get to know her all over again.
Elisabeth
Having babies is SO INTENSE (for most women at least), and I completely relate to feeling like you have to get to know yourself again. Or, in my case, figure some things out for the first time.
I’m so glad you’re seeing the light after some tough years. What a hard 2020/2021 you had 🙁
Michelle G.
I don’t have children, but I think there is so much pressure on new moms and even experienced moms—pressure from other people and pressure from themselves. I’m so sorry that you had a rough time of it. But you nailed it—they could be doctors, astronauts, or whatever they choose. They know they’re loved, and they’ll grow up to be good people.
A quote I love is “Worry is not preparation.”
It’s so true!
Elisabeth
I love that quote. I have struggled a lot with worry in the past. I always want to prepare for every eventuality but instead of being prepared, I’m just extra stressed and more likely to mess things up. Worry is NOT preparation, indeed. Sometimes I’d be well served to worry less and do more.
Alexandra
First of all can I say thank you for sharing what is obviously an emotional post. Second not everyone can be the perfect mother. My sister couldn’t produce even a trickle of milk when her daughter (my niece) was born. Nothing. Zip. Nil. Nada. It just wasn’t physically possible she was told. So my niece was bottle fed from the get go. She’s now a big boss in Oracle, so the bottle never stopped her from chasing dreams and potential.
Also, one my most defining moments came at exactly the moment my sister gave birth, at home, in the bed we shared (long story about my sister being made homeless). When suddenly, in the middle of the night, me and my mum helped my dad deliver my niece. 4 am and the ambulance was 30 minutes away, at least.
I think being present and seeing all that first hand at 14 years old kind of put me off having my own kids. Instead, I became the best aunty 17 nieces and nephews ever had!
Elisabeth
Your poor sister. It is so hard on so many levels if you want to breastfeed and aren’t able (like you sister, I had medical reasons why I couldn’t breastfeed – so there is literally nothing I could have done – but, still, I felt like a failure).
Clearly it hasn’t hurt my kids (or your niece), but there is this subtext that it will in the parenting literature. I really needed this reminder that I didn’t just ruin their lives by having to give them formula.
Wow! Delivering a baby at 14 is crazy. But I bet you have been an incredible aunt! Having that many siblings would have given you special insights into family dynamics <3
Alexandra
I don’t know how she dealt with it, but I know mum and I did our best. Mum especially when it came to emotional support. I wish doctors, the medical profession and book writers realise how much pressure they put on mothers especially first time who don’t have a support group at hand like my sister had. We really do have everything backwards.
Well, I don’t know about delivery so much as my mum had me doing all the running around while my dad the hard part. He’d had practise in that he also delivered my older brother, Jack. Talk about skilled labourer.
And yes, I do have something of an insight from my side of the fence into family dynamics, as well as plenty of fodder for blog posts!! No names mentioned, of course.
Elisabeth
I do think the last generation (and ones before them) had more resilience than we do now. When things had to get done…they just did them. I can’t imagine what some women/mother’s lived through in days gone by.
Sophie
Oh Elisabeth thank you for sharing. I have such a similar story. Both the birth and feeding journey were not what I had expected or what was relentlessly pushed on us as the ideal way. I also went through those emotions. I remember both me and E crying, me from pain, her from hunger, and my husband just saying “this isn’t right”. The moment she was bottle fed she was so happy, but it took me a long time to get over the grief, guilt and failure of not breastfeeding.
For me, a couple of quotes which stand out are Gretchen Rubin’s “Choose the Bigger Life”, which I’ve used to help me make a number of decisions. And I think maybe from Best of Both Worlds the quote “Survive til 5” and parenting. I think I appreciated that quote because it made me feel less alone in finding the baby years hard. Before that I thought I was supposed to love every minute!
Elisabeth
I love Choose the Bigger Life (my husband and I say that to each other sometimes), and I also love Liz’s: Don’t treat a gift like a burden.
I haven’t been listening to Gretchen’s podcast for several years, but I should restart. She has some great stuff!
For me, the littlest years were ROUGH. Parenting isn’t a cakewalk at this stage, but for my personality type is is a lot less draining.
coco
This is a beautiful post Elizabeth. I know we are women, mother, put a lot of pressure on us to do the perfect thing for our kids. The difference between first and second kid is that we learned that everything is just a phase and caring babies are easier than we thought. What a relief.
If I have to recall one quote from someone, it would be my BFF when I told him I wanted to get a divorce and marry to my childhood bf, she said: you’ve lived your whole life until now by your head (rational thinking), now you can live by your heart. I am so glad I did that.
Elisabeth
Head vs. heart are definitely two very different things a lot of the time!
Yes, agreed that I put less pressure on myself the second time around having a baby in the house. (It was still equally exhausting, though!!)
Birchie
When you write something this good, it’s worth a repost! Especially since this is my first time seeing it!
I’m thinking of everything in the news today…lots of Very Important People Doing Things both good and bad. Strangely enough there is zero discussion of who was breastfed and who wasn’t.
Elisabeth
Mic drop! Yes, this is so true. And a great additional perspective on the topic. I bet a lot of Very Important People were indeed formula fed.
Lisa’s Yarns
There isn’t a quote that stands out right now, but when I was struggling with breast feeding with Paul, we had so many lactation consultant visits and tried so so so many things. I did not have production issues but Paul could not latch and even struggled to drink from bottles for awhile. At my last LC appt she turned to me and said – ‘are you enjoying your baby?’ I started to cry because the honest answer was no because I was doing triple feeds where you nurse, then pump, then bottle feed and by the time I was done with that and cleaned all the pumping stuff and bottles, it was time to start over again. This woman was so sweet and said that I had tried so incredibly hard but it might be time to consider a different path for feeding so I could enjoy my baby. I kind of needed an expert to tell me I had tried hard enough and could, well, give up. I ultimately ended up exclusively pumping which was not great but better than struggling and failing to nurse. I didn’t need anymore advice or tools or tricks – I needed permission from an expert to quit. I am mindful of that as I am quite stubborn and will push through pain or frustration and sometimes the best decision is to walk away from something that isn’t serving you.
Elisabeth
Oh, Lisa. I want to hug you! But I love that the lactation consultant boiled it down to that.
I remember someone telling me once that ultimately what is best for baby is what is best for Mom. We can be made to feel so selfish, but we are much better mother’s when we prioritize our own needs. Almost always, we end up being able to give (and enjoy our kids) more that way.
I’m with you on the needing permission. I’ve had that happen a few times in the last year via therapy and it is SO powerful for someone like me who tends to like to follow rules.
Rachel
I don’t have any wise words or thoughts except that this is a lovely post and even though I read it last time I really appreciate reading it again!
Feeding babies is such a “thing” no matter what route you chose.
Elisabeth
Thanks.
And YES! Feeding, clothing, sleep training – or not, delivering…there are so many “things” with parenthood and no manual that spells out exactly what we should do/what will work for each family. It takes trial and error and I think with each successive baby (you tell me?!) it gets a bit easier to realize we need to march to the beat of the drum that works for us, not necessarily with the culture at large would prescribe…
ernie
Thanks for sharing this, Elisabeth. It’s beautifully written and so gut wrenching. I’m sorry you went through that. It sounds dreadful. We put so much pressure on ourselves to measure up, but you can only do what you can do. I had dreams when I was expecting Lad, dreams about nursing him. Aside from delivery itself, I felt like it was the only thing I was unfamiliar with and was unable to practice in advance. I dreamt that I left him with someone else and then came back a few weeks later and wondered whether or not it was too late to pick up the nursing thing. I still remember the panic in that dream. So vivid. Anyway, the ‘She can still be a doctor’ quote is so smart.
In 2023 when we were deciding whether or not to take in our two foster daughters, I was a wreck. The first two kids we hoped to adopt in 2021 didn’t work out. Not everyone understood the whole story, the lengths we’d gone to to make it work, or how much it hurt/ how we felt like we’d failed them when it didn’t work. I told Coach that if we took these girls it HAD to work. I was remembering how awful it felt when we had to admit that the boys weren’t a good fit for our family, and how ashamed I felt. It bothered me that people wouldn’t understand. There was no way to explain it to everyone. I told Coach, “Because – can you imagine how terrible it’ll be if we send back another set of siblings? People will think we’re horrible for doing that again.”
Coach just shook his head, and said something to the tune of “No – it doesn’t HAVE to work. It might not work. Only (I forget the percentage) of these situations end in adoption. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. We take it a day at a time. And if anyone thinks less of us for trying, let them try.” He nailed it when he told me to ignore any judgements. (the girls’ adoption should be finalized in the next 2-4 months, give or take).
Elisabeth
YES! We can paint ourselves into these false corners we set up. How wise of Coach to point out that each situation can be treated with the respect and care it needs. It’s no good to make decisions just because of the optics, no matter how poorly it would actually suit our needs.
I’m glad the adoption process will soon be complete. I’m sure that will be a huge sigh of relief.
Suz
I love this so much. Thank you for sharing; perspective (usually from someone else) is always a good thing! I too felt terrible guilt with both girls’ because I just could not do it. I love your friend.
I’m sure there is something someone has said that stuck with me, but my tired brain isn’t recalling anything at the moment. ☺️
Elisabeth
It was such a helpful, wonderful thing to say. And it has stuck with me for over a decade. It’s amazing how something as small as a tiny sentence can help shift our perspective.
I’m sorry you struggled with nursing, too – and I’m so sorry both of us ever felt any guilt. We loved our kids and that love does NOT have to include breastfeeding.
Marcia (OrganisingQueen)
your friend Joy sounds very wise!
i have a friend who told me very early on after my twins were born, “your only job is just to survive the first twelve weeks” and that sentence took such a lot of pressure off me. My kids were born at 32 w and were therefore in the NICU and it was very hard. “very hard” is a very big understatement. A nurse also told me “it doesn’t matter how they get fed, just that they get fed” and that was also such a relief.
Elisabeth
I love that nurse’s comment! I can tell you NO one was saying that to me and it makes me so, so sad. The important part when women are in such vulnerable emotional and physical states is to make sure everyone is healthy and fed.
I can’t imagine the stress and exhaustion of time in the NICU…and twins must have been very overwhelming! Motherhood when gaining a single child feels like a lot – two at once, I’m sure, is more than double the work!