Hi. My name is Elisabeth and I want everyone to be happy with me. All the time.
I want to be liked. I want to be understood. I want to avoid any and all conflict. Forever.
But here’s the truth. Not everyone likes me. In fact, I know of a few people that deeply, intensely dislike me. Not everyone understands me, not everyone can live at peace with me.
I recently had a negative interaction with someone who does not like me. Thankfully, I ended up being able to process my emotions fairly quickly by having a phone conversation with John in which, just before we hung up, he reminded me: You’re a juicy, ripe mango.
Why is he calling me a mango, you might ask? Because of this quote which has become a bit of a mantra for me over the last few months. I read it in Gracie Gold’s memoir (Outofshapeworthlessloser):
Imagine, my psychologist said, that you are the most beautifully-colored, luscious, ripe, flavorful, superior-grade mango that was ever plucked from a tree. You could be a mango larger and lovelier and more delicious than any other elsewhere in the world and it won’t matter to some people. To those who don’t like the taste of mangoes or are put off by their texture, you will be outright rejected for no reason other than mangoes aren’t their jam.
I am a mango. (You might be too.) Some people don’t like mangoes. No matter how hard I try, I am not going to become a watermelon or a peach or an apple. I am a mango. No matter how hard I try, someone who dislikes mangoes is very, very unlikely to suddenly start liking mangos.
This perspective has been extremely helpful for me (I even sent the quote to my therapist because I thought it might be something that would be useful for other clients), so I wanted to share it here, too.
Some of us are mangoes and some people – for a variety of reasons – don’t like mangoes. And sometimes there is literally nothing we can do about it.
Except celebrate the fact we’re a juicy, ripe mango.
Your turn. Do you like mangoes (I’m back to talking about fruit here, not me!)? What’s your favourite fruit? Does conflict stress you out? If so, what’s your go-to strategy to handle contentious situations? Any recent mantra you’re finding especially helpful?
Header photo by Julia Zyablova on Unsplash
Discover more from The Optimistic Musings of a Pessimist
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
Cattis
Oh yes, conflict stresses me out but I never back down from it. Better to grab the bull by the horns… if I don’t take on a conflict it weighs me down and messes with my selfconfidence. I always want to get to the bottom of things and understand why things happened etc. but have learned to let go of certain topics and even people. To be able to live a life true to my values and with healthy boundaries it takes conflict to get there (at least when your relatives are mentally unfit and used to beeing able to manipulate people). Not everyone likes it when you change or hold on to your belives. My favourite quote during such times is: ”don’t wrestle with pigs, because you’ll get dirty. And they like that.” 🐷 love both pigs and that quote
Elisabeth
Yes! I am learning that it’s important to set boundaries early (though sometimes you don’t realize you need to set very specific boundaries – a relationship can start one way and then take some hard twists and turns). BUT I also think that it really does take conflict to learn what our true priorities/values AND boundaries are – it sucks to have conflict, but it is is an opportunity for growth.
That quote is so true. Some people just want to hate and be mean…One of the things I have done this year is stop all contact (like everything) with someone that deeply dislikes me. It hasn’t made the pain all go away, but it has given me a much greater peace of mind. Knowing there is nothing else I can make them do to like me better takes some of the pressure off ever trying.
Cattis
That’s interesting, that you see conflicts as an opportunity for growth while I see them as the result of knowing your values and defending them hence knowing yourself/ personal growth can potentially lead to a conflict. I find your perspective interesting and I haven’t really thought about it but of course it’s true, if we don’t try or challenge our new insights, how can we really learn?
mbmom11
Conflict is hard. I’m not one who enjoys arguments or thrives on debate. I freeze up or leave and hope it passes over. And grumble about it later.
Sorry – mangoes are not for me. I prefer apples.
My quote : “it’s not okay, but we’re all gonna be alright.”
Elisabeth
Guess what – I don’t love mangoes either! Raspberries are my favourite. Though a really good mango is delicious, they’re just such a nuisance to cut.
I have always been – and still struggle with being – someone who freezes, leaves, or ignores. I’m getting better, but I hate conflict so much that I tend to feel powerless to do anything EXCEPT avoid it.
Love this quote. It reminds me of Dr. Becky’s: This feels hard because it is hard. I use that quote all. the. time. It really goes a long way to validate the truth that something is hard.
Kyria @ Travel Spot
I am a fan of mangoes, both the fruit and you! However, I often have hesitancy around people who are loud in a crowd and are agreeable with everyone, aka say yes to everyone, are enthusiastic about EVERYTHING and then don’t follow through. However, often these people are very popluar because they are usually gregarious and are easy to be around. For me though, they are not secret keepers, nor are they sensitive, and they ar often superficial. But they are “fun” to go to a football game with. They are my “mango” or in my case, since I love mangoes, they can be a different fruit. Although I have not really met a fruit that I don’t like!
Sorry your having struggles with someone, and it sounds like you are working it out, but that can be very frustrating when it is something that you have to deal with every day. Big hug friend.
Elisabeth
Aww. Glad to know spending 4 days in the same house didn’t make you second-think our friendship 😉
What an interesting point – and so true – that people can tend to go with anything (even if it’s wrong, damaging to them) to avoid conflict. Equally damaging, if not moreso?
The saga continues with the neighbourhood – nothing new beyond what I texted you last week. But this quote really helps me keep perspective.
Nicole MacPherson
Love that perspective (I also don’t like mangoes, but I like you a LOT!). I think I was about ten or eleven years old and having some friend trouble – you know, the usual for girls that age. Anyway, my cousin had a book about growing up called Girltalk, and I remember the section on friends: the author said “you don’t like everybody, so why should everybody like you?” and I remember that exact moment. Like a beam of light hitting me. It’s true! There are people I don’t like! So it stands to reason that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea/ coffee. There’s another thing – I don’t like black tea. At all. But some people, it’s LIFE to have their tea. That doesn’t make tea bad, it’s just not for me. Anyway, I love the message to this. And also, you are so loveable and wonderful and it’s hard to believe that anyone doesn’t like you but just as I don’t like mangoes, there are people out there who are missing out on the beautiful soul that you are! Their loss!
Elisabeth
I’m not a big fan of mangoes either.
Oh my goodness Nicole – this is so, so true. I remember when we were newly married there was a couple who clearly wanted to be close friends with us. We would get together and it was so awkward and boring. I felt bad – and didn’t actively dislike them at ALL, just a case of not being compatible for a deep friendship – and I finally remember understanding that there’s a reason people end up with a close friend circle. It’s simply not possible to have that level of relationship with everyone. It’s okay to be acquaintances and not force a fit!
And, also, thank you for the kind words. You know quite a bit of the background into why this quote is so powerful for me and your kindness, compassion, and tender advice (and listening ear) has meant so much to me these last few years <3
ccr in MA
That is a very interesting framing, I like it! I do not actually like mangos especially: I prefer papaya, and I have a vague idea that people usually prefer one of the other, although that might be completely made up in my head. It’s not like I’m a huge papaya fan, either, really, but I first had it in Hawaii, with my aunt, when it was fresh off the tree and she squeezed some lime juice on it and it was amazing.
Elisabeth
I don’t think I’ve ever had papaya…or passion fruit. I need to get out in the world!
Sophie
Sorry to hear you are dealing with conflict, I am too right now and it’s stressing me out! I hate conflict (ironic because I enjoy a debate but it’s more someone being unhappy with me that I struggle with). So this perspective is a helpful reminder. Also I’ve been reminding myself lately that I don’t control other peoples feelings.
Anyway I LOVE mangos, and both the fruit AND you are jam, Elisabeth. Hugs.
Elisabeth
Oof. It’s hard to have conflict and it’s hard when you know someone is unhappy with you and, if they’re not someone close to you, you can’t really have a debate. They’ve made up their mind and then it can feel helpless. I’m so sorry, Sophie. And I know you had the horrible neighbour/cat incident a few years ago, too. Hoping things blow over quickly.
Glad to know you like both the fruit and me <3
Jenny
Well, first of all I’m VERY sorry that you’re having these negative interactions! It’s one thing if someone chooses to quietly not like you, but when someone is openly antagonistic and causing conflicts, it’s VERY stressful. I hate it. But, I love the mango analogy. It’s very true that if someone doesn’t like you, it has more to do with them than you. It’s not that you’re not a good enough mango- they just don’t like mangos. In our house, we have a mango lover and a mango hater. My son LOVES them, they’re his favorite fruit. And my daughter hates them (I guess it’s a texture thing?)
Anyway- yes,! You are a ripe, juicy mango! All the mango haters are losing out.
Elisabeth
It has become fairly predictable, but I bounce back sooo much faster now. Therapy helps, but so does perspective like this quote.
I find mango gets stuck between my teeth and they are hit-and-miss with flavour and it’s hard to get everything cut off properly so there isn’t a bunch of waste. BUT, a delicious chunk of mango is truly incredible.
Do you think Taylor Swift could retrofit Shake It Off to incorporate mangoes?
Ally Bean
Years ago I wrote a post about my love of mangoes and how I like to say: “bingo, bango, that’s my mango.” I’m easily amused.
Elisabeth
We say: Bingo, bango, lemon tango! Regularly! I’ve never heard anyone else use that saying.
Daria
I love mangoes but can never get good ones in NJ… May need to travel to the Caribbean.
Conflict does stress me out but I do not avoid it. It’s better to address whatever is stewing head on in my opinion so all parties can move on with their lives. My go-to strategy is to communicate in a calm but firm manner my answer and be okay with the fact that people may not like it. If they are not happy with my answer- it’s on them. I a thinking with students who are not happy with their grades. I used to feel SO guilty when students/parents were not happy with the grades that their kids earned but over the years I learned that you cannot make everyone happy. Mantra for me : the feelings of other people are not my problem.
Elisabeth
Fair enough – it is hard to get tropical fruit in North America (and have it taste authentically good)!
It has been a learning curve for me to remember that “it’s on them.” But I think it’s also helpful to consider WHO is upset with me. If it’s someone I trust, love, respect, I should pay far more attention than someone who is abrasive, rude, disrespectful etc. Sometimes criticism from outside sources is warranted, but if it doesn’t match my gut instincts OR the counsel of close family/friends, it’s okay to move on and shake the proverbial dust off my feet…
Katy @ Practical Walk
1. I LOVE mangos! Especially when we lived in West Africa and could eat them fresh.
2. I also want everyone to be very happy with me, it’s my #1 goal in life. Or at least in my natural state, it’s something I have to intentionally remind myself that my goal shouldn’t be to make everyone think I’m amazing, but instead to do what I know God desires.
Elisabeth
I’ve heard nothing – NOTHING – can beat a freshly picked mango.
Love the spiritual side of this. I think that was a big struggle for me. To be disliked, to be putting up boundaries someone else didn’t respect, I would wonder: am I not showing the love of Christ? Should I be all things to all people? Should I turn the other cheek. I think it *can* be more difficult to come to peace with conflict when you’re a Christ-follower, but He also turned over tables, rebuked many (many!) people, and would leave to have time alone (#Boundaries).
Allison
I AM, I AM a mango! I do like mangos, but my favourite fruit is the peach – on their own, or I like to cut them up and mix them with wild blueberries which is heavenly – breakfast every day in August. As I age I have gotten better at not avoiding conflict, partly because I needed to stand up for myself more and partly because some issues are important enough that my discomfort should not stop me from speaking up – I still don’t like it though. The ‘not everyone likes me’ thing I sort of have to learn again and again, like many valuable lessons, but I am so much more comfortable with it than I used to be. There are things about me that I don’t even like, so I can’t really fault others for being annoyed by them.
Elisabeth
“Partly because some issues are important enough that my discomfort should not stop me from speaking up” – this is such an important piece of the puzzle. What the issue is can really determine how much time and energy it deserves.
And yup – me too, on there being things about my own personality I don’t like 😉
Tammy
So my favorite fruit is actually a MANGO and in Texas we have delectable mangoes a good part of the year. Usually I try to de-escalate conflicts if I think the person is erratic or known to make drama out of nothing. I don’t really avoid conflict, I just judge each situation and determine if it is worthwhile to jump in.
Elisabeth
I didn’t know mangoes grew in Texas. And good ones at that. If I ever make it to Texas, I will make sure to try one.
You’re very astute to realize that the response should fit the situation.
Tammy
In Texas they mainly import mangoes from Mexico and perhaps Peru.
Birchie
Well, BRB because I’m going to have to read Gracie Gold’s memoir. But yes, for some reason not everyone likes mangoes, and it’s puzzling.
Talking literally, I don’t eat mangoes on the regular. Every once in a while I’ll pick up a mango yogurt.
Elisabeth
There were some frustrating aspects to the memoir (I never rate non-fiction), but I took so many quotes from that book!
We have mango juice sometimes, and will put frozen mango in smoothies, but I rarely buy a fresh mango.
Alexandra
OMG! I love this analogy, it’s perfect and yes, describes exactly how it is when someone for no reason whatsoever seems to dislike us. It’s obvious now. It’s because we’re a MANGO. I love it. Love that I’m the mango and there are those that are going to hate mangoes. What a great way to think about those that have a problem with us in life and or work. Their loss. Definitely cannot make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.
By the way, I love mangoes and can’t get enough of them.
Elisabeth
Ha – “it’s obvious now.”
It really did feel like such an Aha moment for me. Dealing with a particularly tough issue for three full years (it has impacted almost every single day of life in that time span, I am so thrilled when I learn some new angle to make sense of a senseless situation. And this quote, maybe more than anything else, has really just spoken to my soul. It has allowed me to finally accept there is nothing I can do. I’m a mango. Some people dislike mangoes. Time to move on!
Alexandra
Oh, I agree. It really is mind blowing to just stop and think about it. This simple analogy says it all, like suddenly seeing colour after living in a world of black and white.
San
Oh, Elisabeth, I relate to this so much. I don’t like to admit it but I am such a people pleaser and I do want people to like me. I know, logically, that this is not possible, and not even desirable (I mean, I “dislike” people for no reason, so why shouldn’t that go both ways) but it’s still hard to accept when you’re someone who wants to be liked.
I think the mango metaphor is a great way to understand and accept better that it’s ok that not everybody likes you. Thank you for sharing it!
Elisabeth
It does suck a bit to realize we’re (speaking collectively here) people pleasers. I suspect it is more of an issue for women as well.
It’s one thing to realize it logically, but it is still so hard to accept emotionally.
Lisa's Yarns
I love mangoes but it’s hard to find a properly ripe mango. But when you do – wow! It’s so good! And I adore you, too. But you are right, it’s rare for a person to be liked by everybody. I know there are people that don’t care for me and that’s fine. And there are people that I don’t care for either!
Elisabeth
Aww. Thanks, friend.
And a great perspective. You’re so right! There are some people that I’d rather not be around…so it’s obviously going to work both ways sometimes!
Ernie
I love that your husband said this to you. How great and insightful that he was tuned in enough to quote this line from the memoir you read. Lovely. I’ve been trying to explain to my husband a difficulty I experienced. It’s hard not to take it personally, but I like your point – Not everyone is gonna like me. I’m like you and I do try to be likeable, but the(se) remark(s) didn’t align with the anecdote/angle I’d shared at all – it was like being corrected for something that wasn’t in need of correction. Ack, to each their own. It helps to pay attention to the many people who do like you or care for you. I can’t imagine someone having a negative reaction towards you, and I’m sorry that happened. It’s lousy.
I think I like mango if it is in a smoothie with other fruits. I don’t know that I’ve ever eaten mango on its own as I’m not a very adventurous eater. My fav fruit is pineapple, but I really like strawberries and raspberries too.
Elisabeth
Ha – my poor hubby has had me talk about this quote way too much. He’s been processing this hard stuff for a few years and so he’s very tuned in at this point. What a blessing!
“It helps to pay attention to the many people who do like you or care for you.” Yes! My therapist talks about this. What do the people who love and care about me say? Do I respect the opinion of the person who dislikes me? If not, why listen?! (Easier said than done of course).
I love pineapple but it hurts my stomach. Raspberries are probably my favourite. Though a PERFECT peach is very hard to beat.
Elinoora
This reminds me of something my sister once said to me (paraphrased) :
I am not going to take their emotions into me anymore. If I do something so they can feel comfortable instead of feeling their feelings and working through them, I’m denying them the chance to grow.
That definitely made me think! And I love this quote, it’s such a good reminder while I’m dealing with a stressful client.
(I love mango. The fruit I cannot eat is banana. Just not for me. Also, we have an orange hater and an orange lover in the family.)
Elisabeth
What wise words (can I have your sister on speed dial?).
I love banana, though sometime it hurts my stomach. Peanut butter and banana on toast. *chef’s kiss*
Gigi
I love this analogy and it will always be in the back of my mind now! Thank you for sharing it.
I don’t know if I like mangos or not – I don’t think I’ve ever had one.
Elisabeth
Wait – you’ve never had a mango?! How fun – now you get to try one for the first time. I’ll be curious if you like it.
NGS
In general, I do not care for tropical fruit – you can keep your mangoes, bananas, kiwis, and pineapples. I want stone fruit – plums, nectarines, and cherries. I’ll also take a berry – blue, straw, rasp, or black.
I think it has taken me a long time to realize that just like I don’t like everyone (oh, man, there is this woman in town who owns several small businesses, runs a popular non-profit, and she is beloved, but I just do not care for her and I have SO MUCH GUILT over that), not everyone likes me. That’s okay, right? I’m A LOT and I’m weird and I’m not everyone’s jam. But for some people, I am their stone fruit.
Elisabeth
I love cherries and raspberries and peaches.
Guilt has been a huge undercurrent to the main situation of someone disliking me. Slowly I’m learning that my feelings are valid and instead of fighting them/feeling guilty, I try to roll with it. One thing I will say – this particular person, I would hazard a guess, legitimately hates me and wishes me harm. Thankfully, I can say with all honesty I wish this person peace and resolution and for healthy friendships and healing…but I also hope they eventually end up exiting my life!
You’re a peach to me, Engie <3
Lindsay
I feel like you saw my work day on my new team and had this here as a gift. Oof, am I a mango. Oof, I don’t love conflict. I think as a mix of a strong personality and overthinker, I feel these things so deeply and have to remind myself that I’m not always in wrong (even if I’m not handling it all well) and that some people not liking me shouldn’t matter in the scope of the people who just get me.
Elisabeth
I’m so glad these words landed for you today.
I hate conflict. HATE IT. So I feel you 100% on that. Like you, I feel criticism or dislike so intensely. It becomes a fixation to fix the situation. But some things are literally unfixable. Learning to live with that discomfort is hard, but it’s also an important step in learning to set healthy boundaries and to accept that for the most part, we cannot control how others perceive us or how they feel about it.
Central Calif Artist Jana
How can someone not like YOU?? Eh, her loss.
There’s not liking someone, and then there’s disliking someone. Just a thought.
Is mango the one that leaves strings caught in the teeth? Or is that papaya?
Elisabeth
Thanks, Jana. I like to think the same, based on the wonderful supportive friends I have in my life. But the one naysayer sometimes sounds louder than the crowd of friendly voices?
The particular situation I’m referencing I would say the person actually hates me. I don’t know if I’ve ever been literally hated before. It doesn’t feel good. But I am so, so glad that I can say I do not hate in return. I wish this person well. I just can’t help them get to that point.
Mango definitely gets stuck between the teeth; I’ve never had a papaya!
SHU
Apples are boring 🙂 I actually really don’t like watermelon. Mangoes are delicious and versatile and I think it’s 100% okay not to be for everyone. I know I’m not for everyone either!!
Elisabeth
It’s an impossible expectation, I suppose, to avoid conflict and have everyone be happy with one’s behaviour!
Melissa
I like mangoes, both you and the fruit. I hate conflict and will generally avoid it, except if I feel it’s essential to deal with it. I learned fairly early on that sometimes people don’t like you for reasons that you can’t control. Do I like it? No, but it means I generally don’t feel it’s necessary to bend over backwards to get people to like me.
Michelle G.
It’s fine if someone doesn’t like mangos. But do they need to create a scene about it, threatening to burn down the mango tree? No they do not.
I’m sorry you have to deal with a bad situation, Elisabeth.
You are such a wonderful person – a bright light in the world!
Sending you hugs!
Elisabeth
Michelle, now that you have more context, I cannot think of a better addition to my analogy. Threatening to burn down the mango tree? I needed this extra postscript to the quote. That is EXACTLY what life has felt like for the last few years.
Thanks for the hugs and kind words, as always <3
iHanna
Mangos are juicy indeed. I might be a dragon fruit. Hardky anybody likes dragon fruit. :/
Elisabeth
My daughter LOVES it!
coco
I love mango. I didn’t love it before until I try the mango from tropical countries! So juicy!
I think I handle conflict okay except when it comes with my husband. With people I know from work I’m pretty chill because I don’t care what others think about me much overall and know what I want to focus on, so I move on quickly.
My mantra in the last few weeks is be at peace what I can control, and embrace what comes next.
Elisabeth
You have such exciting things going on Coco. Love the mantra and it really suits your current season.
Stephany
I’m not a huge mango fan but I do love mango smoothies! And mango daiquiris, ha.
I do not handle conflict well and I HATE when people are mad at me or don’t like me. I have someone who comments on my blog infrequently, but every once and a while, this person will leave a really mean and hurtful comment. While I don’t know what compels them to do this, I just have to shake it off. I’m not this person’s cup of tea for some reason and I’m trying to be okay with that! (But plz stop reading my blog, person!!)
I’m working on being okay that some people just won’t like me, but it’s a work in progress.
Elisabeth
I’m so sorry for the blog issue. Ugh. Any chance you can block their comments from even coming through? 🙁
I’m exactly where you are – working on being okay with it, but it’s a work in progress. That said I feel like I have made A LOT of progress.
Stephany
The best I can do is block their IP address. They keep commenting with my name/email address, which is really annoying. I could set up my blog so that people have to be logged in to post comments, but I don’t want to make things difficult for other people.
Elisabeth
This is so frustrating and demoralizing. I’m sorry this has happened and continues to happen 🙁
J
I have a dear friend M, who is a LOT. She has a ton of energy and talks fast and has a charming lisp and fills a room with her big personality. I love her dearly, but she once told me, “I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea”, and it made me sad to think that someone had made her feel disliked. But you’re right, not everyone is going to like us, and we are not going to like everyone, and that’s how it is.
I don’t care for mangoes, personally, but everyone in my family loves them. But I adore YOU.
Elisabeth
M sounds like SO MUCH FUN.
Tobia | craftaliciousme
Arghhh I don’t like conflict. I keep going over it and back and forth and use up too much energy. The sentiment of not everyone liking mangos makes so much sense. And while it may not be new news it is so helpful and necessary to hear it so it really sinks in. So this was a very good reminder. Thank you.
So regarding mango as a fruit… not much of a fan. I’ll eat it but I don’t need to buy it necessarily. However I did a mango mozzarella salad this summer and that one was pretty great.
Elisabeth
A mango salad sounds amazing – very fresh for a summer treat. I make a Chicken Mango Curry…but now leave out the mango. Haha.
Suzanne
I love the quote, I love the mantra, I love the message, I love mangoes! I’m gonna keep this one in my back pocket. (the thought, not a juicy mango)
Elisabeth
Ha – yes, literally in the back pocket sounds unnecessarily messy 🙂