I’ve been thinking about dread lately. That sounds like a rather somber and melancholy topic, but I’ve been considering it in the context of what that emotion can tell me. More generally I feel like it feeds into the topic of rest; when I dread an activity it is usually emotionally, physically, or mentally draining.
When I find myself dreading an activity or a responsibility, it would behoove me to sit with that feeling for a while and plumb the depths. Why?
Some activities – say, unplugging a toilet or hearing a child start to vomit in the middle of the night – are fairly straightforward in terms of dread.
Others are more nebulous. Why am I dreading sending that relatively benign e-mail? Why don’t I want to attend that friend’s birthday party? Why is the thought of making supper tonight completely and utterly dreadful?
Sometimes I dread things I know I want to do and will enjoy. (Generally, I dread things I know I “want” to do because I’m over-tired or I’ve had to exercise my extrovert muscles for too long without a rest. Meeting a new friend for coffee when I’m rested is energizing and delightful. Meeting a new friend for coffee when I’m exhausted and overstimulated is draining and a chore.)
I jotted a few ideas down in a notebook…
And then took things a step further and put it into a little flowchart. I need your help! What else should I be considering with my little rubric. (I was discussing this with a friend and she suggested I call it my Dreadsheet. So, behold my Dreadsheet!)
It’s a work in progress, but when I sit down on Sunday to plan for the week ahead, I try to identify the things I’m actively dreading and ask Why. Can I do something about it? Or at least ratchet down the dread factor a few notches?
Your turn. I’m looking for feedback and thoughts about dread. What are some things you especially dread? How do you motivate yourself to push through? Do you try to find ways to make a dreaded activity more pleasant? Do you stop to ask yourself if it actually needs to be done?
Header photo by Kelli McClintock on Unsplash
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Nicole MacPherson
I’m dreading scheduling a hair appointment, for the very stupid reason that I always hate how the stylist does my hair. I love how she cuts it, but every stylist I have ever had is just the same in how they style my hair after the cut, and then I feel like the whole day is thrown off with a weird sleek straight style that I don’t like, and is too soft to put into a bun. So I have been putting it off, but I really just need to do it. It’s only one day of bad hair! Just one! I can do it!
Elisabeth
That sounds soooo frustrating. How do they all do it so wrong? I would 100% be putting a haircut off if it always ended up with a bad hair day. It’s a double whammy – a bad hair day is frustrating at the best of times, and your hair after the hairdresser is “supposed” to be at its absolute best.
But I know you can do hard things, Nicole, and you’ll feel so much better when it’s done and after one day you can have your hair sorted properly and DO IT THE RIGHT WAY.
Jenny
I like your dreadsheet! I’m pretty good at dropping the things I’m dreading but don’t really NEED to do. Then there are the things I don’t want to do, like make dinner, but I do it anyway because there’s no choice (although I’m not sure the dinner issue is serious enough to describe it as “dread”- I just don’t want to.) I don’t think there’s anything coming up right now that I’m actively dreading- but usually those are things like driving somewhere unfamiliar at night (HATE that!!!) or getting together with people when I’m tired. In those cases, I try to use the “if you can’t get out of it, get into it” mantra. And, I know at the end of the day I’ll be home safely, reading in bed with my cat, where I belong.
Elisabeth
I really hate driving somewhere unfamiliar (day or night – I hate it either way). Last week when I had to take L in to get his cast off I was dreading it big time. It had nothing to do with navigating the hospital or the appointment itself and all to do with getting there. It ended up being a complete and utter gong show because of horrible construction close to the hospital, and then the hospital parking garage was full…but I survived it!
Other than leaving a bit early – thank goodness, we needed every extra second – I couldn’t really do anything to make the dreaded task go away. But I think it did make me feel a bit better knowing that I was dreading it and naming that emotion. It also felt like a huge accomplishment when we were finally out of all the construction mess, back on the highway for home. I did a “hard” thing and survived!
Re. the dinner. I also dread this a few times a week. I’m trying – at least in this particular season – to just make it EASY. Breakfast for supper. Leftovers from the freezer. It’s not gourmet, but it works and people get food in their bellies and makes dinner prep feel a bit less onerous? But I’m with on you the sinking feeling of having to prepare food. Again! Why must we all eat daily?
Ally Bean
That is a brilliant was to deconstruct what you are really thinking about. I dread doctor appointments, talking with any hair stylist, and shopping for bras. All for different reasons, of course.
Elisabeth
I’m with you on Dr. appointments and shopping for bras, but I do love my hair stylist. She’s also an introvert so if I feel like just spending the time mostly in silence, she’s cool with that which I LOVE!
Michelle G.
Your dread sheet is brilliant, Elisabeth!!! I need this in my life. It’s almost time for me to schedule all the yearly appointments, and I’m dreading it so much, I nearly feel sick about it. So now I’ve picked a date to make the calls and I’m not going to think about it until then.
Elisabeth
What is is about scheduling appointments that is SO daunting but I have to psyche myself up – sometimes for days – to summon the courage to do it. One reason, for me, is I absolutely hate being on the telephone. Still, the stewing is almost always worse than the doing…
Lindsay
I’ve been talking about dread with some of my care team in recent months and how it’s different than an anticipatory sadness. Whether it’s anxiety, or a too full brain, or too many emotions, sorting through WHY I am actively dreading both what feels like legitimate things but also small, benign tasks, has really helped me navigate certain moments (parking, phone calls, talking to people, play dates) an, but also dig into some blocks I have about doing simple things – what I call the weight of the 5-minute task- and how I can break up some of these dread-ful feelings. Sometimes it really is a childish “BUT I DON’T WANNA” and others it is a way for me to acknowledge that I am (too) busy or the thing isn’t in my wheelhouse or I need help and that has been a little freeing.
Elisabeth
I think sometimes those “benign” tasks can feel like death by a 1000 paper cuts? There are just so many little jobs to do; some are neutral at best or take mental energy that just…isn’t fun to spend (for, say, booking appointments). Breaking it down is so helpful or even just naming the fact that the phone call FEELS HARD because it IS HARD. It’s a nuisance. Or it could lead to having to make a tough decision, etc.
I definitely have many (many) of those I don’t wanna moments!
Gigi
My most dreaded “chore” is making phone calls. Even something as simple as activating my credit card (which doesn’t necessitate me even speaking!) No lie, I put off activating my credit card for over a month. Finally knocked that out – and bolstered by that small activity was able to go on and schedule a doctor’s visit.
Elisabeth
I am with you. I loathe phone calls. Loathe them! I have also put off activating cards before. It just feels like such a bothersome thing to do. (But makes me feel disproportionately successful when it’s done).
Melissa
I need a haircut and I’m dreading the call because my normal hairdresser was away in treatment for cancer last time. It’s now 6 months later and I’m dreading making that call because who knows how he is going and it could be awkward. I know a little awkward conversation is small beans compared to actually having cancer … but there you are.
Another thing that has been on my list for months is to sort out my parents shares. I’ve done most of them but there is one set with a online bank brokerage for which my dad has no account details. I’m dreading that call, it’s sure to be utterly ridiculous.
As you can see, I’m not a fan of awkward phone calls, but I guess I’m just going to put my big girl pants on and make them. I’m sure I’ll feel better once they are done.
Elisabeth
Melissa, that is an exceptionally hard call to make. You want to be sensitive to the fact someone is really suffering while arranging what is a fairly routine human experience (getting a haircut). I would dread that call, too.
I hate making phone calls, basically of any variety. But you’re right – I almost always feel much better (and rather proud of myself) when they’re done!
Daria
To me dread is a very strong word, and the event/task has to be really bad for me to dread it. A conflict with a friend, an intervention of some kind or breaking some bad news to somebody. And thankfully, all of that is rare in my life. My only recent example was from this past May when I had to attend an event which was also attended by a former friend with whom we had a break up of sorts last year. That was awkward and I did dread it a little.
Everything else, like making phone calls, washing dishes, emailing students/parents is not enjoyable but I don’t really dread it.
One thing that lights a fire under me is having an uncomfortable task- I try to do it right away, “eat that flog” style. Otherwise, it spoils my whole day if it just sists on my to-do list.
Elisabeth
Interesting! I feel like I feel dread over the littlest things (*sigh*).
I would love to get to the place where I don’t dread phone calls. I guess I need to learn how to re-frame some of those things? Mostly dread for me is about perspective, I guess. Some things are truly dreadful (like conflict with a friend as you mentioned).
I always feel better when I just do the thing (the stewing is always worse than the doing…)!
Lisa's Yarns
I think this is genius! And I hope it helps you deal with dreaded tasks – hopefully some fall into the “don’t need to do this” category!
I think I am more similar to Daria in terms of using the word dread, though. But as Phil says, “we stay in the meaty part of the bell curve of emotions.” So I don’t feel dread but I also don’t really get very excited about things either? I’m a very “steady she goes” kind of person. But there are certainly tasks I don’t like. Like this weekend I need to write the content for our fixed income weekly newsletter. I used to do it every week but then a strategist took it over and now I only write it when he goes on vacation. Since I don’t do it very often, the tasks feels way harder and I sort of work myself up over it… So I guess you could say I kind of dread that task.
Elisabeth
Yes! Too often I power through things that can either be done later (i.e. at a more convenient time when the dread factor is neutralized) or I just don’t need to do them at all.
I have a family member who is “bell curve emotions” and I’m SO jealous. I am definitely given to extremes.
I remember you having to write those reports weekly; I’m so glad you don’t have that responsibility anymore BUT I’m sure it makes it more stressful to only do it periodically. Hope it goes smoothly and quickly.
NGS
I am a reward person. I give myself reward. This morning I went to the dentist (which is challenging for me for reasons and almost always ends up with my crying – today I cried a little bit and made a note to call my SIL who is a dentist tonight and ask her about some stuff), but I told myself that if I made it out of the one-hour dentist appointment alive, I could get myself a delicious coffee drink at our local coffeeshop.
And sometimes my reward is as simple as crossing something off my list. Make that phone call? Cross it off the list. Order that medication? Cross it off the list. Vacuum the floors? Cross it off the list. That’s very satisfying for me.
Elisabeth
I love this – rewards are highly motivating to me and I don’t always think to do this. Crossing things off a list is highly motivating to me, but a delicious coffee drink sounds perfect.
I’m so sorry the dentist is such a fraught experience – and for all the hard work you have to put in to dental health in general, you are to be commended for being so intentional about trying to handle the raw deal you have in terms of issues 🙁
San
Oh, what a great exercise to really get to the bottom of the things we dread. Sometimes it’s things we just simply have to do but how often do we “should” ourselves into things we dread? I need to ponder this more.
I agree with NGS though, I am a reward person and I can easily get myself to do things if I have a little reward afterward (like exercise before my morning coffee). It’s a great strategy for me to get things over with (and not stew on it).
Elisabeth
I did your reward trick earlier today. I told myself I could have my coffee AFTER I did a yoga video. Worked like a charm and I’m sipping delicious coffee this very minute <3
Tobia | craftaliciousme
I can only agree with previous commenter: the spreadsheet is genius. Such a smart way to scribble it all down and get to the root of the dread.
I usually procrastinate on a some dreaded task way too long. Envy once in a while I batch it all up and decide to do it all in a couple of hours. Like all the phone calls. if I don’t reach person a I move to person b, etc. at the end of the list I start at person a again and do it until I reached all of them.
Besides that I have no input here. Sorry.
Elisabeth
Batching can REALLY help. It’s ripping off the proverbial Bandaid and sometimes that first call can feel the hardest, but then the next ten are easy?!
A great point. Thanks, Tobia 🙂
Kristin Wellsand
I have been thinking about this topic since you posted it, mostly thinking about dread vs. anxiety. I have mild anxiety about many events in my life: Am I wearing the right thing? Do I have the time right? Will I be late? Who will I know there? Will I remember their name? This turns into a small part of me dreading many of the events in my life, even things I’m looking forward to. Since your post, I have been noting how I feel about each thing I do and as it was suggested, recognizing it and naming it does make it better! In my case, it also helps to remember why I am doing the thing and that it is a choice I am making. My husband seems mostly free from a lot of these considerations (at least he is bewildered when I bring up the concerns mentioned above) and as he is my closest model for handling adult life, it was refreshing to read all the responses about the different things people dread! I also never thought about my own energy in regards to how much anxiety/dread I have around something and I will be looking for that link in the future. In addition to what others have suggested, I dread the whole process of working with people providing a service (like house cleaners, someone doing work on our pool, car mechanic etc). I did not have a model for this growing up (my Dad was very handy). From the contacting, negotiating pricing, interacting with a stranger (often in my home!), dealing with unfamiliar terminology and expertise, making sure I am respectful of their work, to the final decision about tipping, it is overwhelming! We had some major work done on our pool recently and I handled the entire process myself with great results. I wanted share my “accomplishment” to the world, but sadly everyone seemed to think it was no big deal? lol.
Elisabeth
This is me, Kristin! Almost to a “T.”
And the contractor stuff. Oh my goodness. We have had so much drama and some truly horrible experiences and I have PTSD (quite literally) from some of the issues to the point that I find any work being done at our house incredibly stressful. My anxiety just goes through the roof.
So, to me, your major pool work is a HUGE accomplishment and a very. big. deal. A whole sheet of gold stars <3
Stephany
I am like Engie in that I find giving myself a little reward for doing something I’m dreading is super motivating. I also find it useful to interrogate the feelings of dread like you have laid out here – WHY am I dreading this thing and is something I have to do? Most recent example: I’ve been on a few dates with someone and found out I was really, really dreading going on a date with him tonight. I knew I was going on the date because I felt I *should* to put myself out there, but if I’m not excited about seeing him after being apart for over a week, why am I doing this to myself?! So I ended things and feel so much lighter!
Elisabeth
Dread is usually a gut instinct, right? Sounds like you very much made the right call with your decision. Who wants to dread a date!!!??
Maria
I’m apparently majorly behind on your posts and am so glad I scrolled back and saw this! This flowchart is brilliant. I absolutely love how you give yourself permission to just drop something if it’s under the “NO” arrow. It can be hard to give myself permission to drop things and this idea of a flowchart to follow is amazing and is inspiring me to try making my own dreadsheet/flowchart.
Elisabeth
I’m so glad it inspired you to sit down and create your own “dreadsheet”!
Anne
Oh, Elisabeth. I suspect you won’t see this comment, but thank you so much for this. This is what I feel on a daily basis – the sense of dread, or (in a way) impending doom? This idea that there is always, always something hanging over my head. Sometimes it’s something I’m actively dreading doing. (That’s a long of -ing’s, sorry…) Other times it’s just the feeling of, “What crud is going to hit me today?” I need to develop my own flow chart for things over which I control. Hanging on to this post, so I can grow and learn from your wisdom. Thank you, my friend. <3