It is June. Really and truly…we’re in the middle month of the year!?
I feel like I need to write a catchy little jingle about this season of life, because it’s an echo of what I said last week: There is no routine. There is no normal. Just organized chaos.
There were lots of Happy Things scattered in and throughout the last seven days. But, also, there were lots of decidedly Unhappy Things. So many I didn’t want to post today because it felt disingenuous. I get lovely e-mails from people who tell me how much they enjoy these Friday posts and I very much appreciate being able to offer a little ray of sunshine on the internet. As I’ve said before, it is completely and wholly genuine.
But I also write about Hard Things because those hard things coexist with Happy Things in a way I can’t extricate while keeping my online narrative authentic. Friends, this week has been hard. *She writes as she sobs over her keyboard!
I woke up Monday morning Exhausted (the capital “E” kind). Here is where my self-talk turned caustic. You’re coming off a whole day of oxygen. Do you know how many people would give their eye teeth for a day like that? How long are you going to be so weighed down by the past? How long are you going to ruminate about ongoing issues? How long are you going to feel this tired? How long are you going to need therapy and other professional supports? How long are you going to need to say No to so many things that come your way? How long…
I felt completely and utterly pathetic and defeated before I even put a foot on the floor.
And in that moment I thought there is only one answer left to those questions: I’ll rest as much as I need, for as long as it takes.
The very next day an issue was brought to my attention at work that hit about five raw emotional nerves and I’ve been reeling ever since. I have big emotions that seem to be unleashed so easily in this season of life. The incident is tangential to me but it still feels heavy. My heart aches over the situation and my heart stings because I can relate. And I thought: How long is this baggage going to be part of my story? How long am I going to have to wrestle with these dark clouds? How long am I going to have to be so careful about my mental wellbeing?
Back to my little mantra I go.
I’ll wrestle as much as I need, for as long as it takes.
Can I be honest? I hate that. I literally hate that. I want several ongoing situations magically remedied. I want to undo things that have been done to me and I want to cast aside the resulting baggage. I hate living in the tension that is knowing As much as I need, for as long as it takes could be my state of life for the foreseeable future.
It’s one thing to write about mental health – and I do that quite regularly here on the blog (you’re welcome/I’m sorry, depending on how you feel about such content) – and it’s another thing to live it. We don’t exist in vacuums. We are not robots. We have to live in and around our healing. And as we heal, there can be new wounds. Old wounds open. And some weeks just happen to be harder than others.
But, as deeply and as genuinely as I feel current pain points, I deeply and genuinely say Thank you, God for the Happy Things.
MY BIRTHDAY “DAY”
When John asked me what I wanted for a gift this year, I said: Unbaked Cherry Cheesecake and a day alone. Sugar + solitude = perfection.
On Saturday, everyone was gone for the day and I basked in the glow of peace and quiet.
I took a solo walk and listened to a podcast.
I did a short yoga video.
I drank hot coffee out of my favourite mug.
I did some planning and reflection and “brain dumping” (my stack of books and accessories is getting a bit out of hand, but they all have a purpose!?).
I ate a delicious lunch at home. Alone.
I admired my birthday tulips.
I wrote a handful of blog posts (and even published one – on a Saturday!). I went for a walk with Joy. I picked up a few things around the house so it never got too far out of sorts.
When John and L got home, we made supper and had an at-home date night which was absolutely lovely – capped off with a giant slice of Cherry Cheesecake which was so out-of-this-world delicious, words fail me.
BONUS HAPPY THINGS
- The Great British Baking Show.
- Hot showers.
- Sunshine.
- Quiet moments.
- Sleep.
- A delicious lunch of roasted tofu and veggies in a peanut/soy/sesame sauce, tossed with spicy arugula.
- An hour spent without a phone or a book or anything but a big fluffy blanket and a Magic Bag in my hammock. I may have had a few glorious micro naps…
It is Friday. I love Friday’s and I hope yours is lovely and restorative. If not, take as much as you need – of whatever you need – for as long as it takes.
Happy Weekending, friends.
Jenny
As much as I love your “Happy Things” posts, I also love it when you talk about the hard things. I mean, I’m sorry you’re going through those things but glad you can share it with us. If we all just posted the happiest parts of our lives, people who are reading and going through their own hard things would probably feel alienated. We all have things to deal with- some harder than others- and it helps to feel that we’re all in it together.
I LOVE your solo birthday “day.” And… sometimes when I have an amazing day like that, I do feel a slump afterwards. I look forward to that day and when it’s over, it can be a little depressing. Anyway… glad you’re taking the time you need to rest as much as you need, and work through everything. And I hope you have a great weekend!!!
Elisabeth
Thanks – we have some low-key weekend plans and then I have been able to arrange a week away at my parent’s place. I have some work to do remotely, but there will be no lunchboxes to prepare and no bedtimes to enforce (well, except my own). I am really excited and feel like this fits in very well with a Year of Shmita, right? I’ve only done this once before and it was amazing.
Maria
Your birthday day alone sounds amazing. I’m so glad you got it!
Thanks for sharing both the happy things and that you struggle with the hard things too. You’ll be in my prayers over the hard things.
Elisabeth
Thanks, Maria <3
Lisa's Yarns
I’m sorry that you are continuing to deal with such hard things that completely exhaust you. You are already operating w/ limited margin so adding another hard thing to your plate is defeating to say the least. I really hope you can catch a break soon. I think you need a week of solo days – 1 day is great but it’s just 1 day and it can go fast. But it’s hard to pull off an entire week of alone time! I would feel like an a-hole even asking for it! So I am trying to plan shouldless days a bit more regulary. So I have one in July and another in September. I was doing them quarterly but that’s not cutting it.
Good things for me this week was meeting Birchie and having some client calls go really well. Bad things were my never-ending flare which is so freaking painful and annoying.
Elisabeth
I have a 4-5 days of quasi-solo time planned…next week. Everything worked out for me to do another “retreat” of sorts to my parents and I am beyond excited. I’m telling myself there is NO agenda to come back fully rested. I know that’s not possible, but every bit helps and also to give myself permission to NEED this time is hard, but necessary. I have such high expectations for what I can deal with sometimes, and really need to lower that bar as a gift to myself.
I am so glad you have some more shouldless days lined up!!! They are inspiring to all of us.
Yay for Birchie (jealous!) and yay for work successes. The flare is such a painful and ongoing frustration.
NGS
You may remember that last year I had two big things on my plate that were bringing me down – my volunteer position and looking for a job. I have resolved those two ongoing issues, but now there are NEW ONES. I just feel like life is never as smooth as it possibly could be. (I mean, I had about three months where things were GLORIOUS, so there are pockets of blissful time, I guess.) Life is about how we deal with those hard things and I think we should all give ourselves grace because there are no easy answers.
Happy things this week!
– Meeting with Anne and Birchie for dinner last night
– Listening to a fun audiobook
– Having the great moment where I could just slip on my sandals and walk out the door for a walk with the dog
– Zelda the Cat playing with a toy and throwing it at Hannah the Dog. I don’t know if she meant to or if it was an accident, but it almost seemed like she was initiating play with the dog.
– Walking across campus on a beautiful day with blue skies and white puffy clouds
– Calling a student for a follow-up and learning he had graduated and was wrestling with multiple job offers. I told him he was a big deal and he really worked hard and dealt with adversity and I was proud of him. And I meant it.
Elisabeth
We play Whack-a-mole, eh? Some things go away and then new things take their place. Adulting is hard, my friend.
No easy answers is right.
I love all your happy things. Such a lovely range of experiences. And Birchie seems to be meeting up with every blogger but ME! (If you’re reading this Birchie, NS needs to be next on your list!)
mbmom11
I’m sorry you have so much dragging you down this week. Long term issues are so wearying. With short term crises, you can rise to the occasion and have a resolution. I have a lot of background things right now, and I wish I could wake up and it would all be over (if you couldn’t tell by my chapter titles!). But instead, I keep telling myself that there’s only so much I can do, and then I need to be like the father in the prodigal son parable – waiting and welcoming when the time comes.
Get some good sleep, take your vitamins, and I hope it gets better soon!
Elisabeth
Yes! The two biggest issues in my life right now have no immediate resolution. One will never be fully resolved and the other could…take years. And it’s really hard to sit with that reality. I know my personality doesn’t help. I like to get things done. I’m a perfectionist. To have these loose threads really bogs me down. But, one day at a time…I suppose.
I have been giving myself extra rest time this week and it hasn’t solved issues, but even the act of carving out time to literally do nothing (NOTHING!) has felt empowering.
Lindsay
What a lovely birthday day <3 "As much as I need, for as long as it takes" is truly what I needed to hear today. It's hard to prioritize what I need and then to have to have it take time? Like, lots of time? Rude. My heart is with you on both the happy and hard things (but I'm glad the happy things are there to make the hard things a little less sharp!) and I hope you have a lovely weekend full of deep breaths and bits of joy.
Elisabeth
I am not a patient person, so realizing that things are just going to take a long time to resolve is hard to accept. But, there we are…
Kyria @ Travel Spot
Hard things are okay too; I am all for trying to remain positive but sometimes you just need to vent and get the BS out of your system so that you can move on. I don’t have that many social/external issues at the moment, but sometimes I get down on myself about carrying on what I am doing. Some days it is hard, but I berate myself, as it is not as hard as ____ fill in the blank: motherhood, death, life, a shitty boss, etc. etc. However, for that day, it is MY hard, and I have to remember that I am still strong and capable and also, tomorrow is another day. It is amazing what a sunset/sunrise, night of sleep and a good bowl of ice cream will do to your emotional state. I know I joke about it, but I do dream of ice cream, my treat, my reward, when I am having a rough day.
Happy things for me are that I am currently taking a rest and will be joined by my friend K and her kiddos this afternoon and we will do dumb touristy things and eat a lot, therefore making my days a lot easier than they have been. Plus I will play Rummy with her daughter A; we can play for hours and I am looking forward to it! Mountains, ice cream, cards with the kids. Perfection.
Elisabeth
I love how everything can always be brought back to – and partially solved by – ice cream <3
There is a layer of guilt that comes with our hard when we compare to others. It's hard to shake off that tendency, but we all have hard things and they are OUR hard and it's okay to name and claim those hard things. We don't have to fit on a specific spectrum to be accepted into the Hard Things Academy, right?
Sleep and nature help too, though maybe not as much as ice cream.
Love that you have some time to just rest and recuperate and what awesome memories you'll make with K and her kids! Delightful. Thanks for the texts and pictures <3
Nicole MacPherson
Oh my friend, I’m so sorry things are so hard right now. You’re right – there is no “limit” on how much rest a person needs, but we sometimes put those limits on ourselves. Like, I should be feeling better by now, why aren’t I? In your case, my goodness, your entire last year was an exercise in cortisol. I often think of that thing about having a baby “nine months up, nine months down” – it takes a while to recover from things. I would argue the longer something goes on, the longer it takes to recover from it. There are just so many pressures on you, and these are things you can’t control. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I see you taking care of yourself, and I also see you being thwarted by NEW things, and it’s exhausting, you’re exhausted. It’s okay – but I know it doesn’t feel okay. Does that make sense? I don’t know. Anyway, we are all sending our love and from me personally, a Care Bear Stare. xoxoxo
Elisabeth
It all makes sense and I felt the Care Bear Stare <3
Kat
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with realizing that therapy and supports are helpful to you. Really and truly.
Fellow ” why is it that you need help processing things/handling issues when most everyone else doesn’t” person here… And then I say to myself, because I do. Because I’m happy that I can afford it and that finally I realize how much better things are when I get the support and help vs when I don’t.
Hugs
Elisabeth
“Because I do”…pretty powerful self-talk, eh? I think sometimes, too, operating from giving ourselves MORE than we think we need (which is almost always still probably LESS than we need) is hard to get behind. I’m at the point where I just have to lean in to overloading my system with rest (and therapy!). Like Nicole, said, I think that women in general function with high levels of stress over long periods and that means that we often need long periods to recover.
Michelle G.
Happy birthday, Elisabeth! It sounds like you had a lovely day. I’m so sorry that some hard things have got you down. I’m getting to know that you’re a lovely, caring person who deserves all the good things in life. So virtual hugs to you and feel free to vent any time! 😊
Elisabeth
Thanks for the well-wishes and thanks for making me feel seen (and not just a giant whiner). Venting really helps! And I love my therapist, but the blog is free 😉
San
I feel your frustration in your post and I relate to it and I appreciate your vulnerability.
You’re right. “It’s one thing to write about mental health – and it’s another thing to live it.” It’s a battle every single day. I might have shared before that Jon struggles with mental health issues and it’s hard to even support someone because it’s a lot of internal work that must happen. As a partner, you can only be there and accommodate (and I love how John granted your wish for your birthday for solitude (and cheesecake! ;))
Elisabeth
John has been such a rock for me lately and definitely makes me feel like I can take as much as I need of what I need for as long as it takes. Having a supportive spouse is critical, and I’m sure your Jon feels the same way about you <3
Tobia | craftaliciousme
I am so sorry to hear you had such rough patches last week. I truly hope this phase will pass you by quickly. But I am also a strong believer that nothing happens without reason. Even though we can not see it when we are right in the middle of it and just want it to be over. Just know better times are ahead.
And I am so happy that you still found so many happy things. Your day alone sounds wonderful. And that hour in the hammock. Oh that is also sounding dreamy.
Have a great Sunday and may you next week have a whole pile of happy moments.
Elisabeth
The hammock hour was delightful!
Onward and upward…
Suzanne
I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately because I know the summer months are extra difficult in their way. I’m glad you got such a lovely respite on your birthday.
It’s bad enough to have tough times, but it’s even worse when your inner voice is so critical. I know you are taking steps to counteract that internal negativity, and I see how hard you are working, and I know it’s so, so challenging to talk over it, let alone tamp it down. You are doing the hard work, Elisabeth. Hang in there. <3
Elisabeth
Thanks. You’ve helped me walk this road over the last year and your kind words mean a lot!
Onward and upward <3
Sophie
Thank you for sharing your hard things and your happy things, I appreciate both. I think sometimes we put pressure on ourselves to be “fixed”, as if one wonderful shouldless day is like a dose of medicine that will make the next month easy now. But we are human beings, our bodies don’t follow rules that our brains just made up, logical as they may seem to us. Sometimes the very next day still feels hard. And that’s ok. It’s wonderful that your birthday shouldless day was so lovely. It’s sounds perfect and I’m so glad you had it. But I’m sorry you are still dealing with unresolved hard things, and glad you are reminding yourself it will take as long as it takes. You know we are all supporting you from afar.
My shouldless day next Friday has become a shouldless few hours, becaause I have an appointment now 10–11. But I’ve scheduled a massage, lunch by myself, a walk, then pick up E and I’ll do something nice with her. And not put pressure on myself to be a perfect day, but just enjoy any nice moments as they come.
Elisabeth
A massage and a lovely meal alone + outdoor time sounds glorious.
You’re so right that one day (or week or month) won’t “fix” us – as if we’re broken and defective somehow for struggling with hard things or feeling tired over cumulative stressors. I need to remind myself of that and just worry about enjoying and resting now and not putting pressure on myself to get “rested enough to feel great for weeks at a time.” Just focus on today, and worry about tomorrow…tomorrow!
Melissa
Oh no, I’m sorry this week has been so tough and for the ongoing issues. That is hard. The good thing about having a blog is that you can vent on it … so vent away! Your day to yourself sounds like it was wonderful. I don’t think you should feel down on yourself that you were still drained and tired after it. When I take a day for myself, I don’t usually “feel” a major change, but maybe it just stops or slows the downward spiral? Certainly, I would never have a miraculous turnaround in energy levels. I see you are getting a bit more extended time to yourself, hopefully that helps a bit.
My good thing was that I had a lovely day yesterday. Our friend hosted all the people who had helped him as he moved for an amazing lunch.
Elisabeth
Lunch with friends sounds lovely.
Venting helps!! And I think I put too much pressure on one day solving all my problems. It helps, of course, but doesn’t provide some magical elixir to cure all that ails me…
Diane
I’m glad you got to craft a special day for your birthday. Funny how it’s not always about doing the big things that might make a day special, but rather about getting to finally indulge in some of the little things that always fall by the wayside when life gets… life-y.
I hope you have a rejuvenating, space and time filled weekend!
Ally Bean
Ah ha! You’re catching on to doing nothing, the best oxygen there is. I enjoy reading your posts and knowing that there is some happy going on with you. Enjoy your weekend.
Elisabeth
It was you that inspired me, Ally. Literally the only reason I didn’t take a book to the hammock was because of a comment you left on my oxygen post. And today, I had a long drive and listened to “frivolous” podcasts…AGAIN THINKING OF YOU.
So you get an acknowledgement for my Year of Shmita credit section;)
Stephany
I can truly relate to your “hard things” section because it’s something I struggle with a lot, too. And at a certain point, I’m just like, “Still? I am STILL carrying this around?!” It can be really defeating to feel like we’re not moving forward when it comes to certain parts of our mental health, but yes, we just have to keep trying to move forward in whatever way we can.
I love a solo birthday! I’m glad you were able to give yourself that gift and it sounds like you filled up your day in the most perfect way!
Elisabeth
YES to this: “And at a certain point, I’m just like, “Still? I am STILL carrying this around?!”
I think the last few years have also been like – this is still happening, as well. Some of it’s baggage and some of it’s just in-your-face hard stuff and UGH to all of it.
But we all have hard things, there will be a time after this and venting here really helped <3
Daria
Please, please keep on writing about good and hard things! It’s important! I personally enjoy reading both: good things posts make me appreciate the good things, hard things make me feel less alone.
Good things this week for me were:
a patio set and beautiful weather to enjoy it
a pool where the kids can cool off and play
a supportive supervisor who stood up for me as a professional during a difficult situation with a parent
donuts for the students on their final exam days
early mornings on the porch
Hard things:
anxiety feelings
having a hard time curbing my people pleasing tendencies
looooooong rainy Sunday with two cranky and possibly bored kids (yesterday)
(connects to the above) rainy so were not able to go to the beach with them.
Elisabeth
Rainy weekends are HARD. Sigh. Especially when everything else is screaming summer vibes (like the pool and patio).
I will keep writing about both; sometimes it just feels…whiney (and some of the times it is!). It’s that balance of wanting to name my emotions while not being held captive by them?
Cynthia lee
Happy things and hard things co exist. Yes! And I want to read about it all. Happy birthday! Do we share a birthday? Mine is June 6th.
Elisabeth
Aww. Thanks.
My birthday is in May, but I always wished it was a few weeks later – in June – when the weather was reliably nicer!