I am so excited to welcome Kristen – better known as The Frugal Girl – to my little corner of the internet. It was fun to answer Kristen’s questions for a recent Meet a Reader segment on her website, but it was even more fun to turn the tables and send her my questions!
Kristen has been blogging since 2008 but, sadly, I only discovered her blog in 2024. I suppose it’s better to arrive late to a party than to never arrive at all. In my case, I just happened to show up 16 years late…
If you don’t already follow Kristen’s blog, I suggest you run (don’t walk) to add The Frugal Girl to your blog roll.
New and old readers alike are in for a special treat, as she has kindly agreed to bring the party to my house. I wish I could courier everyone a package of streamers and balloons (and maybe a deliciously gooey cinnamon roll to savour while you read this post with your morning cup of coffee). Alas, we haven’t come that far with technological advances, but I’m confident you’ll enjoy her guest post without all the party accoutrements. That said, sourcing a warm beverage is highly recommended for optimal enjoyment.
Welcome, Kristen.
Q. What aspect of your current life would most surprise 20-year-old Kristen?
Oh my goodness.
A lot!
I used to be a married, stay-at-home, homeschooling mom of four kids.
Now I’m a divorced, single 46-year-old college student, and I most certainly could not have envisioned that back in 1998.
When I was twenty, I had been married for a year, and I assumed that my life would follow a tidy cookie-cutter path.
It has not.
Twenty-year old me could not have fathomed that I would ever leave my marriage or file for divorce, but here we are.
I also had no idea at the time that I’d want to go back to school and I obviously had no idea that a blog would be providing my full-time income because at that time, even email was still rather novel. Ha.
I could not have envisioned a blogging life!
Q. Best decision you’ve ever made in your life; or, what decision are you most proud of?
I hope that this does not seem crass or cold, but the first thing that came to mind is: leaving my marriage. It was such a departure from my rule-following, go-with-the-flow, do-what-everyone-thinks-I-should-do way of approaching life, but this has been one of the best decisions of my life.
In the almost three years since I left, I have not had a single moment’s regret, and my well-being has improved in every way.
A runner-up decision: starting my blog back in 2008. At the time I had no idea I was going to leave my marriage years later, but the income from my blog seriously eased my path out of my marriage.
I am endlessly grateful to my 2008 self for giving this blogging thing a whirl.
Q. Do you have an all-time favourite frugal find?
I don’t know if I can pick one in particular, but I really love using all the little things I rescued from the abandoned house that my brother bought. [Here are two posts about her abandoned house treasures.]
Q. What seemingly “little” moment have you observed or been a part of lately that brought a disproportionate amount of joy?
Last week when I was taking care of a patient, she said, “I love the energy you bring into the room. So happy and joyful.”
And that made me so happy to hear. Of course, I want to provide competent healthcare to my patients, but I also want to bring a little bit of sunshine to the hospital rooms, and it always makes me so delighted to hear this kind of feedback from patients.
Q. Do you have a go-to reset when you’re feeling overwhelmed or struggling to stay focused?
SLEEP. Exercise. Getting outside.
Q. If you could add – or subtract – one habitual behaviour in your life, what would it be?
Instagram scrolling! If that app is installed, I will waste time on it, so I generally try to post and then delete the app until I want to post again.
Q. What’s one piece of advice you wish you had heard and/or understood at an earlier age?
You are responsible for your actions.
You are not responsible for other people’s feelings, thoughts, and behaviors.
(Do I fully understand and apply this now? No. But I am trying!!)
OHHHH. Another good one: when people criticize you, it is usually because they are feeling insecure or intimidated by you. The criticism is less about you than it is about them.
Q. What has been your favourite purchase so far in 2024?
Ummmm….maybe my scrubs? Because they are my first non-student scrubs, and they are a sign I am getting closer to my goal of becoming a nurse! [So exciting!]
Q. If you could eat only one meal on repeat for a week, what would you choose?
Probably one of those random skillet meals I make so often! Or maybe mashed potatoes topped with fried eggs and sauteed veggies.
Q. What global location (near or far) – that you’ve never visited – do you most want to see?
I have never been on another continent, but I do finally have a passport now. And I would like to visit lots of countries in Europe!
Q. If you could snap your fingers and have all the capabilities necessary to excel in any career or hobby (e.g. if your wish was to be a famous rockstar, you’d magically have the necessary vocal/instrumental skills), what would you choose and why?
This isn’t as big as being a rock star, but I would like to snap my fingers and be good at blood draws and IVs, especially on people with challenging veins.
I want to be a needle rockstar, basically. Ha. [I have had a few rough IV placements in my day, and I think this might be the single best answer to this question I’ve seen yet!!!]
Q. List five things that would happen as part of your idealized “perfect day”.
- watching a sunrise/sunset
- a walk outside
- a symphony
- something delicious to eat
- I don’t know how to put this briefly but…I would want to do something to help someone else. Joy comes from doing something meaningful or important, and helping others is so important to me. [Kristen, can we be friends? This is just the sweetest answer.]
Q. Share a weird/random/true fact – any odd skills or unusual experiences?
When I was 18, I won an audition and got to play a movement of a Shostakovich piano concerto with a youth symphony orchestra in concert.
It was so much fun to play with an orchestra, and I remember wishing we could have had twice as many rehearsals just so I could enjoy the experience more times! You can watch a 1996-quality video of my part here (the video quality isn’t great, but the sound quality is surprisingly good.)
[I had no idea you were such a talented musician!]
Q. What is your most treasured possession?
My piano. It’s an extra-tall upright, so it has beautifully resonant bass notes (due to the longer strings).
I have rarely played a piano I like more, and that’s true even on the many grand pianos I’ve tried.
Q. If you could only wear one colour for the rest of your life, which colour would you choose?
Black. Simple and classy.
Everything looks good in black; swimsuits, workout clothes, scrubs, dresses!
Q. If you were doing it for fun – and money was no object/didn’t factor into your decision – what would your dream job be?
Haha, well, I am kind of working toward that!
My blog’s income currently pays my bills, so the nursing degree I am getting is sort of a money-is-no-object pursuit. I’m doing it because I want to, not because I am trying to earn money.
Q. If someone dropped $5,000 into your lap and you had to spend it “frivolously”, what would you use it for?
My first thought was that I’d want to give it away to a classmate in need. Or a friend who is going through a divorce.
But if we’re going frivolous: I would use it for a trip to Europe with my friend Mia, who is a nurse and a single mom. I don’t know…is that frivolous enough?? [Guests get to make the rules; this sounds lovely and selfless, but we can also label it frivolous.]
Q. What’s something (food, skill, adventure, etc.) you’ve always wanted to try, but haven’t yet?
Karaoke. And one of those really long outdoor zip lines.
I’d also love to learn how to dance. And play the cello.
Q. Tell us something about your personality you think might surprise readers!
I love to ski downhill really fast (like 60 mph fast).
I prefer music that is in minor keys; I know that contrasts a bit with my sunny outlook on life, but I think that music in sad, melancholy keys is more beautiful and complex. [Me too! Much to my mother’s dismay, minor Christmas carols are my absolute favourite! They’re haunting…but so beautiful.]
Q. What is the first thing you do in the morning/last thing you do at night?
In the morning…I usually play my NYT word games (like Wordle and Connections!).
At night, after I do my Duolingo lesson, I plug my phone in to charge, and then I put my heated dry eye mask on and go to sleep.
Q. If you could trade places with someone for a week, who would you want to switch with and why?
I teared up when I glanced at this question because I missed the “for a week part”, and I immediately thought that I would love to switch with someone whose marriage was good and safe and healthy enough for them to stay.
While I feel sure my divorce was the right decision, I still grieve that it was necessary. I wish my story had been different. [I am so sorry, Kristen. While divorce is not part of my story, I ache for people who have experienced the unique pain of an unhealthy marital relationship. More broadly, I’m sure all readers can relate to wishing certain things weren’t part of their story; we carry baggage we never expected to come with us. I’m so glad you’ve been able to shine a light on your experience and bring hope to others struggling with similar circumstances. <3]
Anyway, then I saw the “week” part! And that changes my answer. Hmm. For just a week?
I think that I would choose to spend a week in the shoes of someone whose life is harder than mine, so that I could better understand them. For example, I don’t know what it is like to be a racial minority, or what it’s like to be addicted to alcohol or drugs, or what it’s like to have a disability.
If I could spend a week in someone else’s life like that, I think it would help me be a better nurse. Of course, I try hard to empathize and to imagine what it’s like to live with any number of difficulties, but that has its limits. [This!!! This is why you are perfectly equipped to be a wonderful nurse. I have no doubt you will positively impact thousands of lives in your career.]
Q. What words would your friends use to describe you/your personality?
Kind. Cheerful. Sunshine.
Q. If you had a warning label, what would yours say?
Warning: May launch into a discussion about a medical topic at any point. May have no clue other people will be grossed out.
Warning: Will have a bad attitude about humid weather.
Q. Introvert or extrovert?
Neither! I’m an ambivert; right on the line between introvert and extrovert.
Q. Savoury or sweet?
If I did not think about what it would do to my health, I’d have to go with sweet. I would dearly love to eat pastries and cookies every day.
I envy people who say that something like cheese is their weakness! Cheese has way more redeeming qualities than cookies do. 😉
Thank you so much for visiting me in this space today, Kristen. I know your schedule is full to overflowing and I am genuinely honoured you chose to share some of your limited “bonus” time answering my questions. I’m curious how often you play piano as an adult? And as someone who wears an eye mask each night, I need more details about a heated dry eye mask. I’ve never heard of such a thing!
Your turn. Any questions for Kristen? Does anyone else prefer songs set in a minor key? Who considers themselves to be an ambivert?
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mbmom11
Wordle in the morning – just what I do when I wake up ( which could be 2 am or midnight if insomnia strikes. Which how I know Spelling Bee doesn’t open until 2 am my time.)
I do like minor key songs- they have a depth that resonates.
I’m mostly an introvert who doesn’t mind being around people, though not to recharge- I grew up in a big family and I think I need the background noise.
Elisabeth
I chuckled about you knowing when Spelling Bee releases for the day.
I think I am exactly the same in terms of introversion. I don’t mind being around people (though I don’t love group settings), but I do NOT recharge if I’m around a lot of people, especially if I don’t know them well and have to make small talk. Small talk exhausts me!
Michelle G.
How lovely to meet Kristen! I’m so thankful there are compassionate people in the world who enjoy the nursing/medical field. When she said her magical wish was to be a needle rockstar, I nearly burst into tears. What a beautiful thing to wish for. I’m also interested in knowing more about the heated dry eye mask.
Elisabeth
My mom was a RN for her entire career (though she took time off from nursing when she had young kids) and she was such a loving nurse. Mom is SO good at small talk, and it naturally optimistic, happy and loves to smile and I think that automatically puts people at ease.
Every time Kristen mentions her (similar) approach to nursing it gives me warm fuzzies both for the compassion she will bring to people who cross her path, but also because it makes me think of Mom.
Also, I’ve had some very “crusty” nurses, including when I had a newborn and it was quite profoundly disappointing. I think nurses – more than any other medical professional – often set the tone for a hospital stay. I wish Kristen was a nurse where I live; I’m pretty sure she’d be my favourite <3
Kristen | The Frugal Girl
100% agree about the nurses setting the tone, and also even as a student nurse tech, I have a lot of sway over the temperature in a room. I am in there almost as much as the nurses are.
Doctors are very important, of course, but they are with each patient so briefly each day, I don’t know that they have as much control over the “vibe” during a hospital stay.
Elisabeth
Awww. Also love how you refer to this as the “temperature” in the room. It’s a case of Goldilocks; not wanting it too hot or too cold. And, also, I’m sure the ability to “read the room.” Some people will want to talk and be distracted; others will clearly want space and solitude. Having emotional IQ is one of the most important skills in providing holistic health care.
And I think nurses – if the doctor is attuned – can help guide their approach to speaking with the patient/delivering news etc.
Central Calif Artist Jana
@Michelle G., your ranch is beautiful! If I had customers for the subject matter and no scruples, I would take screen shots from the video of your Montana Stockgrowers award to paint from. Thank you for allowing us to peek into your life.
Elisabeth
Spoiler alert: stay tuned, Jana. Michelle is my next guest poster!!
Tobia | craftaliciousme
Such a fun introduction. And so ambitious to make your dream to become a nurse a reality. Very inspiring.
Kristen | The Frugal Girl
Awww. <3 I just really want to be one of those people who can confidently walk in and do hard needle sticks; I think I can get there but I need more practice.
The dry eye mask is to help unclog the ducts in my eyelids that get clogged with oil (I am greasy!) I wrote more about it here: https://www.thefrugalgirl.com/sort-of-a-qa/
Elisabeth
I think confidence helps. I’m no nurse, but I feel like people are better able to sit still and calm down if the nurse is calm and gentle. Thankfully, I have HUGE veins, so blood draws are never an issue. My mom used to say the worst patients were the macho men who between the muscles and the false bravado would get queasy when she was drawing blood.
And thanks for the info about the dry eye mask!
Kristen | The Frugal Girl
Whoops! I got confused about which reply button to hit; this was supposed to be in response to the comment above. lol
Molly F.C.
Good morning, Elisabeth and Kristen! I’ve been a reader of TFG for years. Kristen’s Meet A Reader post that featured you, Elisabeth, brought me here, so loveliness all around!
I’m an extrovert.
My favorite Christmas carols are in minor keys. I can listen to O Come, O Come Emmanuel and Carol of the Bells on repeat without tiring of them. Not so much the ones that assault a person when listening to the radio or shopping (ahem, All I Want For Christmas is You plays altogether too much imo, for example.) I appreciate the songs that reflect the season of Advent. Windham Hill has multiple collections that I listen to beginning each Fall and thru the Winter. You may enjoy some of them.
Off to work. Have a great day everyone!
Elisabeth
Hi Molly. Thanks for stopping by!
I am making a note about Windham Hill. My daughter has already started to listen to Christmas music and I’m soon to follow her lead and love new recommendations. O Come, O Come Emmanuel is one of my all-time favourites! I also like In The Bleak Midwinter (which is pretty melancholy, but I still like it).
Karen.
I just discovered Enya’s O Come O Come Emmanuel two weeks ago, not at all in search of Christmas music. It’s a gift.
Elisabeth
I am going to listen to this right now!
Central Calif Artist Jana
@Karen., I went through a few years of All Enya, All The Time. So, I am very intrigued to know she has a Christmas album and wonder if it will still move me the way her music did 30 years ago. Thanks for the info!
Karen.
@Jana, I was on an Enya kick for a long time in and right after college, and recently something made me think — I wonder if I can work as effectively while listening to Enya as I was able to study effectively listening to Enya. Turns out, yes. And Amazon presented me with her Christmas music, which was pure grace.
Kristen | The Frugal Girl
My most hated Christmas song, with no disrespect meant to the Beatles, is Simple Having a Wonderful Christmastime.
Elisabeth
I hate All I Want for Christmas is You, Last Christmas, Santa Baby, Do They Know It’s Christmas?, Mary, Did You Know? and many others. I’m picky with my Christmas music.
But you’re right – Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime is awful as well.
I like very few modern Christmas songs…
Katie
I’ve read Kristen’s blog for years and I have always really admired her hard work and decision to pursue nursing. Sometimes it seems like everything is digital/internet based and it is so encouraging to me that we still have people who want to show up and care for people in person.
I think I’m a picky ambivert! I get lonely when I’m by myself and grumpy if I’m around too many people, lol!
Elisabeth
Katie, I laughed at your personality description! Maybe instead of “picky” we can say you have high standards? 🙂
Rose
Merry Christmas, I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight by the Ramones is my favorite.
Rose
Sorry, I keep hitting Reply to the wrong post. Maybe move that button over, Elisabeth?
Elisabeth
I have a lot of tweaks that need doing on the blog! I’m working on it 😉
Liz B.
@Elisabeth,
…..and let’s not forget “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”. Yikes. Sooooo bad.
Elisabeth
Also terrible. There are so many bad Christmas songs, but I guess that helps us appreciate the classics all the more?
K D
Long time Frugal Girl reader here. I love your responses to “What’s one piece of advice you wish you had heard and/or understood at an earlier age?’ Wise advice.
Another vote for the NYT puzzles: Spelling Bee, Connections, and Wordle.
Elisabeth, I love your commentary threaded throughout the interview.
Elisabeth
Thanks for such kind words, K.
Weren’t Kristen’s answers so thoughtful? I really appreciated the depth of her responses to such a broad range of questions.
Jan Coates
Same on the dry eye mask – will check Google. And naively, I did not realize blogging could provide an income. She must have tons of followers! Love her authentic, heartfelt answers.
Kristen | The Frugal Girl
It is indeed my fulltime income, and it is a big reason I was able to walk out of my marriage. I am so grateful!
Kyria @ Travel Spot
I love that Kristen took the big leap, got a divorce, and is now pursuing something that she wants instead of whatever others want for her! That takes a lot of courage and I applaud you, Kristen!
Kristen | The Frugal Girl
Thank you! It took me a long, long time to wake up and realize it’s what I needed to do, but hey, better late than never, right? 🙂
Maureen
First thing I do in the morning is feed the cat so he doesn’t scream at me. When I finally sit at my computer and it logs on (work computer) I head to The Frugal Girl. Such a great community! Thanks for interviewing her. And I have you bookmarked now!
Elisabeth
Hi Maureen. Thanks for saying hello.
I only joined the blogging world a few years ago, but this community already means so much to me! I could never have imagined its impact on me – truly life-changing.
Rose
I’d like to switch places with the president of the United States. I could tell people things and they’d have to listen. And I could find out if we really have dead aliens stashed somewhere although chances of that are probably nil. I’d have the nuclear codes so I could tell other countries to knock it off whatever they’re doing wrong. Plus I could probably pocket some priceless bits from the White House without anyone noticing.
Elisabeth
Rose, what a unique answer. I suspect a lot of Americans are wishing they could have positive influence over the current political landscape in their country.
Jenny
I did enjoy this with a hot beverage and it was lovely! I have read Kristen’s blog but didn’t know so many of these things about her. My daughter also prefers music in a minor key- I thought that was kind of odd but now I’m realizing that’s a thing! And, I love Kristen’s answer to who would you change places with for a week. As much as we try to sympathize, we can’t really know what it’s like to be someone in a really bad situation. There would be a lot more compassion in the world if we all switched places once in a while.
Elisabeth
Let me guess – Earl Grey?! Dare I hope it was in a festive Christmas mug?
It seems like a lot of people here like minor songs. I wonder if it’s linked with introversion (which tends to be the predominant personality type amongst bloggers)?
I remember when my mom was teaching a PCW course many years ago, one of the mandatory assignments was to spend an entire day emulating a common health issue of patients they would be seeing. So you might be in a wheelchair, or vision-impaired, or have lost the use of one of your arms etc. She said it was eye-opening to so many young students how deeply their patients were affected and how difficult “routine” activities could become.
Kristen | The Frugal Girl
This reminds me of the assignment we had in our first class this semester…to attend an AA meeting and an Al-anon meeting. The AA meeting was especially eye-opening to me.
Denise
Haha. I thought Kristen would say she’d eat sandwiches everyday. Great questions, great answers!
A. Marie
Another loyal fan of Kristen’s from The Frugal Girl here. In addition to all the positive things Elisabeth has said about her (which are all true, BTW!), I take my hat off to Kristen for creating and fostering a lively, caring, and civil community at TFG–the Commentariat, as we call ourselves. This is no small accomplishment, especially in these troubled times.
I’m primarily an introvert (heck, this is how I managed to work very happily as a telecommuter for 36 years), but I also know when I need to seek human contact. No woman is an island. Fortunately, my excellent neighbors and my Jane Austen Society of North America friends provide me with plenty of human interaction–and my online buddies at TFG and The Non-Consumer Advocate provide plenty more!
And I’m another one who wakes up with NY Times games–Tiles and Spelling Bee, in my case. As for songs in minor vs. major keys, I find that my beloved Celtic music provides a healthy mix of the two.
Elisabeth
The internet can quickly become divisive, and it is no small feat to keep things positive. I do think that certain bloggers attract a certain readership and from my limited time reading Kristen’s blog, I suspect she attracts very compassionate, respectful readers. What a gift to the blogging world!
Lisa's Yarns
This was such a delight to read! I have followed Kristen for many years (but rarely comment… sorry!). I think she is so inspiring. It takes a lot of courage to leave a long marriage but clearly that decision has been so wonderful for her. I also think it is so awesome that she went back to school to become a nurse in her 40s. I can tell from reading her blog that she will be an amazing nurse. I know she feels passionate about labor & delivery and I just KNOW she’ll be the best nurse in that environment. She’s has such a calmy, peaceful vibe which is what moms need in l&d!! And I hope she becomes a pro at IV placement because ay yi yi, I’ve had some bad experiences. I’ve had more IV placements than the average person (and continue to need them every 6 weeks for my infusion treatment plan for RA). Luckily my infusion placements go well because I don’t have to fast before them. It’s the fasting placements that are horrific because I’m dehydrated. I have excellent veins but have still have experiences where it’s taken 3 attempts to place the IV.
I also like songs set in minor keys. I would say that I am kind of, well, a more somber person? Like no one things of me as super funny and entertaining (this is not an insult to myself, it’s just my nature). So minor keys kind of speak to my soul. I am a happy person, I’m just not a super effusive person if that makes sense? So give me Camille Saint-Saens (sp?) kind of music any day of the week.
Elisabeth
It makes me think of Julia Child who really embarked on her true calling in her early 50s. What a great reminder that our life can take many twists and turns and the best can lay in the future! There is no expiration date on compassion and passion for a cause.
I had an unplanned C-section and ended up with incredibly UNempathetic nurses and it deeply impacted my experience. They were so cold and unhelpful though clearly I must have been obviously struggling. It wasn’t even that busy on the ward. It was very disheartening, so I very much appreciate any nursing interaction that is positive these days (most of it is, but in L&D – yeesh, with so many hormones and pain and ALL THE THINGS, it takes a special sort of person to help new moms).
I’m melancholy by nature and have to work at optimism (thankfully it gets easier the longer I try!). I also wonder if minor keys are more appealing to introverts? We tend to be more solemn and deep thinkers, which seem to be reflected in songs in minor keys?
Lisa's Yarns
That is terrible that you had an awful l&d nurse! I have had amazing nurses for both l&d and post partum care. I think working in that area is a calling. Clearly your nurse was a misfit. We had the most gentle souls that were so encouraging, especially during Paul’s delivery when I was induced and then had a long labor and couldn’t have an epidural due to being on blood thinners. We got the nicest card with all of these comments from the many l&d nurses we saw during my DAYS in l&d. Taco’s birth was a scheduled c section so I didn’t get to know the l&d nurses since they were just there to place my ID and bring me into the OR.
Oh and I meant to tell Kristen that I would listen to her talk all things medical and would never get grossed out! My mom was an RN and she has told us a lot of stories. As a result, I am very hearty when it comes to medical situations and nothing really grosses me out, which comes in handy as a parent of small children. 😉 I mean vomit is definitely always going to gross me out, but I can see lots of blood and not be bothered. I have lots of pictures of both of my c-sections and also asked that they take a picture of my placenta because I wanted to see this organ that my body grew! My mom and sister loved looking at the photos of my c-section (my sister is also a nurse). I think it would horrify many people. Ha.
Elisabeth
It really did add insult to injury. My experience in the hospital with Belle was nightmareish. But, onward and upward! Thankfully my family doctor and OBGYN are absolutely lovely, and I’ve since had extremely kind, gentle, and helpful nurses.
Vomit is the curse of parenthood (I know someone whose adult child has only thrown up ONCE IN HIS LIFE. I cannot imagine; my kids definitely puke when they get sick). I’m shuddering just thinking about dealing with it. But I am definitely not a germaphobe and can generally deal with minor at-home medical emergencies with patience and calm. Though you should have seen the giant splinter Belle came home with from preschool one year (one large piece with multiple smaller pieces). It took over an hour and I’ve repressed the memory.
Rose
I only have complaints about my obstetricians! One kept asking my husband for stock tips and the other laughed at my daughter’s name. The nurses were great.
Elisabeth
Yikes! Stock tips? Name shaming? That does not sound pleasant at all. The reverse was true for me. I’ve had nothing but excellent OB-GYNs…but unfortunately I saw them a lot less than the nurses.
Rose
Yep! The first doctor, I was annoyed and said, “I’m the one who works in tech, not him.” Because it’s so weird that a woman works in the tech industry. The second doctor, let’s just say there were reasons she went to some remote medical school instead of an American one. (She was and is American.) I explained that my new daughter’s name came from Shakespeare which confused her even more. OK, doc, just shut up and leave now, thanks.
Kristen | The Frugal Girl
Oh, that is terrible. I have never had a c-section myself, but I am aware enough to know that an unplanned one can be very surprising and disappointing. And even if a safe delivery is the end result, there’s some grieving you have to go through over things not having gone as you had planned/hoped.
And on top of that you are having to recover from major abdominal surgery so…yes, some compassion would have been very much in order.
As a nurse, I also would be thinking…”Ok, this mom is probably feeling a serious loss of control over the situation. What are some choices we could give her to help her feel like she’s still go some say over how things go?”
Elisabeth
I very much wish you had been there with me that emotionally (and physically) fraught night. Thankfully, I have a healthy, energetic teenager. It also helps me appreciate the importance of empathy.
I love your perspective of trying to offer the patient some level of control. Wow. I don’t know if I’ve ever thought of it from that perspective. It reminds me of some parenting advice which is to give kids choices about decisions that don’t matter. So ask them if they want the blue cup or green cup. The answer doesn’t matter to the parent, but it gives the child a sense of ownership and participation.
K T
Great interview! ❤️
Rose
Every time I tried that, with the blue or green cup, my kids would look at me as if I were insane and repeat the demand for the red cup.
Elisabeth
Okay, that’s pretty funny. Your kids had spunk 🙂
Rose
I hate spunk. /Lou Grant
Let’s just say that when I bought my son Reader Rabbit software at age 3 or 4, he always deliberately chose the wrong answer on the little quizzes at the end of each section, because the womp-womp noise was funnier than the applause noise.
Rose
Kristen said, “You are not responsible for other people’s feelings, thoughts, and behaviors.”
A lot of women struggle with this. Is it a typically female trait? Or is it a consequence of our society grooming females from birth to smile, be kind, think of others’ feelings, make people happy, BE NICE.
I can’t number the times someone has barked at me to BE NICE.
Once, my sister and my daughter (aged about six) and I were playing mini golf. It was my sister’s turn and my daughter chanted “MISS! MISS! MISS!” My sister turned to her and said, “You’re really not a very nice little girl, are you?” My daughter shrugged. “And?” she said.
Kristen | The Frugal Girl
I think some of it is temperament (my younger sister is not this way as much as I am), some of it is the culture at large, some of it is familial/religious culture.
I AM responsible for kind behavior on my part. But when someone else chooses to think the worst of me, or projects their own insecurities on me despite me being kind, that is what I am NOT responsible for.
Elisabeth
I read something recently that may forever change my approach to understanding others’ feelings toward me. I read it in Gracie Gold’s memoir. She writes:
Imagine, my psychologist said, that you are the most beautifully-colored, luscious, ripe, flavorful, superior-grade mango that was every plucked from a tree. You could be a mango larger and lovelier and more delicious than any other elsewhere in the world and it won’t matter to some people. To those who don’t like the taste of mangoes or are put off by their texture, you will be outright rejected for no reason other than mangoes aren’t their jam.
For me at least, this was a mic drop moment…
Rose
When my friends or children are disappointed by being rejected for jobs or whatever, I try to tell them that sort of thing. Who knows what’s going through someone else’s mind? Maybe you look like the interview’s ex who he hates. Whatever. These days, my feeling is, you don’t like me, you don’t wanna hire me? Your loss, toots.
Suz
Elisabeth, you have great questions! I’m a long-time FG reader who learned new things (and actually my own brain is still noodling the question of how I, and my life, are different from when I was 20, and how I would have been surprised). Kristen, I’m still very much learning how to not feel ownership of others’ feelings too. I find it hard even when there’s not an element of someone else imposing that dynamic (which is obviously worse, so gaslighty).
My whole family enjoys minor songs, including Christmas songs – except me. I like them logically (appreciate the beauty and sound), but after a while my brain seems to start hearing it subconsciously as gloomy. So we have to vary it up to help me not get into depressed mode!
Elisabeth
Hi Suz. Thanks for stopping by. I ask all my guest posters the 20-year-old question, but haven’t answered it myself. I should do that! You’ve prompted a great blog post topic.
I think it is harder (traditionally) as a woman, especially when children or marriage is involved, to not be expected to take ownership of others’ feelings. Parenting now is not about training and teaching, it’s about protecting their mental wellbeing. I am 100% on board with that, but I think as women (again, this can obviously happen for men as well) we take on enormous emotional burdens.
They are a bit gloomy. I think they do make me feel cozy, though? As though I need to snuggle down in a dark room by the fire and make a nest in a fluffy blanket?
Liz B.
@Rose,
Wow, this really hit a nerve with me. Same, I can’t tell you how many times I was told to “SMILE!” and that I was constantly made to feel like the low man on the totem pole. I was expected to defer comfort to pretty much everyone else in my family, and my mom wanted me to feel “guilty” if I didn’t. I could go on, but I won’t.
Rose
I don’t owe anyone niceness because I’m female.
Rose
also, and this is kinda funny, when my sister and I were on Amtrak going home to New York after our brother died, some man noticed we looked somber and commanded us to smile. My sister burst into tears and I told the jackass our brother had just died and to cram it up his you-know-what. Jerk.
Sarah
I found Kristen through your blog, Elisabeth, and it has been so fun to read her (there and here) 🙂
Elisabeth
This is such a cool full-circle moment!
Central Calif Artist Jana
Elisabeth, what fun to read more about my favorite blogger and to discover not only your blog, but find links in the comments to other good blogs. Thank you for featuring Kristen.
You ask such interesting questions! And like KD stated, your commentary throughout adds a sense of participation and warmth to the post. (No, Kristen, you don’t have to add this to your list of To-Dos!)
Piano music in 3/4 time automatically catches my ear. Through time, the appeal of minor keys has lessened but I loved those sounds as a kid. And I remember when Windham Hill piano music was all the rage —George Winston, I think, was the main guy.
Kristen, do you have any tips to fight the desire to eat sweets? I share your envy of folks who prefer savories to sweets. . . sigh.
Rose
I’m a savory person and yeah, I adore cheese. I honestly don’t see how a huge hunk of Roquefort (aaahhhh) is any better for you than a few cookies, really. Or a big hunk of salami, one of my other favorites, or a bowl of olives. Soooooo much fat and calories. I guess pickles are OK for you. Basically anything on a charcuterie board is what I want.
Kristen | The Frugal Girl
Jana, you might like Gibran Alcocer’s piano music; much of it is a waltzy kind of style (which is 3/4 of course!) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJTjr_suT1g
Sweets…I don’t ever tell myself I can’t have sweet things because that makes the problem worse for me. Instead, I do things like eating dark chocolate, or having a small bowl of ice cream after dinner.
But I know better than to keep homemade cookies around all the time because I WILL eat too many of them!
Central Calif Artist Jana
@Kristen, thank you for the recommendation. I will try that music link while painting this afternoon!
I too keep dark (72-80%) chocolate on hand and have learned to ignore the homemade cookies that I make for my husband any time he requests them. (This is because I love him, not some sort of anti-feminist servitude thing.) But sometimes instead of eating all sorts of things to fill the cookie gap, I just go ahead and eat a cookie. It is a victory if I stop at one.
Elisabeth
It was truly my honour to host Kristen. I’m only sad I didn’t find her site earlier, but she is a true inspiration for so many reasons and I so appreciated how much thought she put into her answers. With such a busy schedule she would be forgiven for taking shortcuts, but I feel like she took her time and valued giving comprehensive responses to my questions.
Lindsay
That capabilities answer totally resonated with me, haha, but from the other side. I’m one of those challenging veins people and whenever I’m going through something medical, I always wish I could buy better veins vs. always causing a kerfuffle when getting blood draws or IVs. I’ve always wondered if I am an ambivert or just an introvert whose job requires them to be extroverted… I loved this guest post and can’t wait to go check out Kristen’s blog and learn more about her.
Elisabeth
My heart goes out to people with hard-to-find veins (or low blood pressure). I have a family member that can hardly produce one tube of blood. She used to have to run around the block before getting her blood drawn (and even still, she’d end up with major bruising) 🙁 I’m so fortunate to have large veins, but I still think this is one of the sweetest/best answers to this question I could possible imagine.
@Lindsay: you’re going to LOVE her blog.
Bonnie
Kristen, We have something in common! I hit Wordle, Connections, and Strands — in that order — every single morning first thing.
And I do hope you become excellent at IV placement. I have had some unfortunate situations involving having IVs placed. It’s not fun.
Ruth T
Love your advice section, Kristen. Especially the first two lines:
“You are responsible for your actions.
You are not responsible for other people’s feelings, thoughts, and behaviors.”
This is something I’m having a number of conversations about with my 10 year old daughter. It can be a hard lesson! But it’s a game-changer.
It was fun to read about you in a different way, Kristen! Thanks for sharing with the FG community and sending us to Elisabeth’s site.
Elisabeth
Hi Ruth! Welcome.
I heartily agree with Kristen’s advice too; I feel like it takes years (decades?) to reach a point of truly understanding this, but it is certainly one facet to human behaviour that I’ve become much better with in the last few years. It IS a hard lesson, but it does feel quite revolutionary, as you say.
Martha O
I LOVE this interview… wonderful questions, Elisabeth, and wonderful insights in your answers, Kristen!!
Elisabeth
Awww, thanks Martha. Kristen’s answers really make the interview sparkle.
Jodie Filogomo
I love following kristen, and i’ve learned so many frugal things from her blog. Even in the short time, i’ve been following her.
But it’s always fun to hear different questions posed to people we already know because you learn even more.
Xoxo
Jodie
http://Www.jtouchofstyle.com
J
This was great. I’m going to go check out her blog right now, thank you Elisabeth!
Elisabeth
J, I’m confident you will love it <3
Grateful Kae
This was an awesome guest post! I’ve been reading the Frugal Girl for a while now (also loved your post there, Elisabeth!) and now I’m having guest poster anxiety because I don’t think I can measure up when my post is due soon!! LOL!!!
As a fellow nurse, like Kristen (although I’m currently in a non-direct patient care nursing role), it’s always fun for me to read her posts and think back on my nursing school and hospital floor nurse days. 🙂
Elisabeth
You and Kristen have so much in common! Nursing, gratitude…!
And I am sooooo excited for your guest post, Kae.
Kristen | The Frugal Girl
Aww, Kae, everyone’s unique voice and story is fun to read, so don’t feel shy about sharing.
Amanda P.
As someone with awful veins, a needle rockstar is the best rockstar and I always thank excellent phlebotomists, because I’ve dealt with the opposite. For my IV when I was in labor a wizened older nurse did it because the young nurse looked and was like, “er… give me a minute.” lol
Kristen | The Frugal Girl
Haha, yes, that is exactly what I do in my work as a tech. I suss out the vein situation and if it’s over my head, I call in reinforcements. There is no need for someone to suffer for my lack of skill!
WilliamB
Coming here from FG’s blog to say thanks for identifying what it is about carols I like: minor key! (Also not overplayed on radio.) Shows you how little I know about music.
Elisabeth
So true about carols being a welcome relief to the songs played over and over (and over and over) on the radio this time of year!
Kristen | The Frugal Girl
Haha, glad to be of service!
San
I’ve been reading your blog, The Frugal Girl, for years, Kirsten… so nice to see your guest post here on Elisabeth’s blog. I really love your positive outlook on life despite some of the heartache that you’ve gone through.
I love, love, love that you have a piano. I have a piano but it sits at my parents’ house 6000 miles away and I miss it so much. One of these days, I am going to have a piano in my house again. BTW, I also love songs in minor key. I don’t know, they just hit the feels a bit deeper! 😉
Something else we have in common: I love (downhill) skiing and I also said – when I guest blogged here – that I’d swap places with a friend (who has cancer and is disabled) just for her to have a carefree week again where she could be without pain and do as she wishes. I love your selfless nature.
Kristen | The Frugal Girl
You know, one of the nice things about a piano is that it is always ready to play (as long as it’s at your house). Other instruments need to be gotten out of a case, tuned, some need to be assembled and have wet reeds installed (like clarinets), but a piano is just sitting there, ripe for a quick little playing session.
I hope you can get a piano in your home soon!
Birchie
Aw, I love Kristen! Like you, I only discovered her blog last year and I adore it.
What I love so much about Kristen is how many lives she has lived…and how many more there are to come! I know that she’s been through some tough stuff in the last few years, but she clearly made the right (though hard) choices and is reaping the rewards. I’m so excited to see her life after nursing school is done – just one more semester!!!