When I asked for blog topic ideas recently, many of you mentioned parenting — both my relationship with my own parents and how we raise Belle and Indy.
Here goes…
Q: “You seem to have a close relationship with your parents, and I’d be curious what you attribute that to and how you’ve navigated changing dynamics together (marriage, kids, aging, etc.)?” – Katie
First, I want to acknowledge how fortunate I am. I had (and still have!) loving, involved parents. We don’t get to choose our families, and I know that for every safe, supportive home like mine, there are heartbreaking alternatives.
I’m the youngest of four siblings — by a long shot. My closest sibling is eight years older; my oldest, thirteen. So, for a chunk of my childhood, I was for all intents and purposes an only child.
My parents saw their primary role as pointing us to Jesus. They were grounded, salt-of-the-earth people. While they held strong convictions, they led with love. They supported us unconditionally. They were conservative and sometimes strict, but also adventurous and prioritized spending time with us in nature. Camping trips and hikes through the woods in the summer, cross-country skiing and skating in the winter were the norm. We had lots of freedom to roam. They valued education and effort, but I never felt pressure to meet unrealistic expectations.
When I finished my undergraduate degree, I received a scholarship to complete a PhD in New Zealand. Around the same time, I met John and considered turning it down to move to South Korea so I could teach ESL with him. Dad’s mantra was always “Education is easy to carry around.” Meaning, once you have it, it’s yours for life. While they didn’t outright forbid me from turning down the opportunity, it was apparent they felt strongly I should get an additional degree. In the end, I found a way to adapt the scholarship to something I could use within Canada…and that was the last time I made a big life decision relying heavily on their insight.
Since getting married, I’ve never felt any pressure from my parents (or John’s). They’ve gracefully and immediately shifted from coaches to cheerleaders. They’re there when we need advice, but they’re never intrusive. I can’t think of a single time we have been criticized for a decision, including how we’ve chosen to raise our own children.
Watching them age is difficult. It breaks my heart knowing I won’t have them forever. Both of my grandmothers were widowed in their thirties, so I never met either grandfather. One of my greatest joys is watching my children build memories with their grandparents — something I never had with my own grandfathers.
My parents are wonderful people. They did their best with what they had, and while they didn’t have very much money, they offered us their presence, attention, and love.
Mom listened to us. She learned all the details about our friendships, skipped rope in the yard, swam with us in the summer, and always had a batch of delicious homemade cookies on hand.
Dad took us on canoe trips, taught us how to build campfires, and instilled in me a love of reading that persists to this day. Funnily enough, when I went to pull photos, the first two I found included him canoeing and building a campfire!
Finally, and this is something over which a child has absolutely no control, but my parents have always been deeply in love with each other. They had different opinions (I inherited my mom’s fiery personality) but we knew they respected, loved, and trusted one another. That goes a long way in feeling safe and secure as a child. I recognize how deeply fortunate I am to have grown up in that sort of environment, and I’m so glad my own kids get to experience the same thing.
Now, I invest in our relationship by trying to spend lots of time with my parents when they sublet a house near us each winter. I went to class with my dad (he audits courses at a local university), we share meals together, and they come cheer on the kids at various events.
I’ve also gone to visit them alone a few times for a getaway from solo-parenting and we’ve made incredible memories together on each of those visits.
Q: “What were you like as a kid/teen/young adult?” – Ernie
I was a bit of a loner. I started out at a tiny, private church-based school. By the time I hit my tweens, all my siblings had moved out, and I was self-homeschooled — meaning I did all my coursework independently while my mom worked full-time. It was as much fun as it sounds and I absolutely hated it.
Later, we moved provinces and I switched to public school. It was a rocky transition, but I eventually found my stride. I did well academically, mostly because I was an independent learner. There were blessings buried in those homeschooling years!
I’ve always been introverted — until I feel comfortable. Then I’m loud and animated and tend to naturally assume leadership roles.
Q: “Were you a troublemaker? Studious? Did you push the envelope in high school?
I rebelled, but subtly. Quiet resistance more than open defiance. Once I realized I could “win” at academics, I became very driven. Homeschooling didn’t offer any competitive context, but in public school, I thrived on hard work and recognition and I ended up graduating with honours as the valedictorian. That said, I made plenty of poor choices — most without long-term consequences and (mostly) without my parents knowing. Still…I have regrets.
Q: “Did the way you were raised impact your parenting style?”
Absolutely. I’ve borrowed a lot from my parents and intentionally changed other things. My kids would probably be able to list plenty they’d tweak about my parenting, too.
I think I’m more like my parents than not.
Q: “Did your parents have strict rules that caused you to rebel?”
In a way. We weren’t given any spending money, and everything we earned went straight to university savings — literally every penny. I now understand the reasoning. My parents had very little financial security. But it also planted a deep fear of spending and a scarcity mindset that I still wrestle with today.
They were also very conservative Christians. I still share many of their values, but with hindsight, I realize that some of what was taught as “biblical truth” was really cultural preference — like not being allowed to wear pants, makeup, or earrings, listen to music with drums (even Christian music), or cut my hair. They have mellowed significantly over the years, but I now see the aforementioned as stylistic choices.
Q: “What was your most unusual job?”
I didn’t have many formal jobs in high school and we lived in an extremely rural area. I babysat. I worked the cash register in the school cafeteria in exchange for free lunches.
After my first year of university, I worked at the Biotechnology Research Institute in Montreal, prepping yeast samples for a company called Lallemand. (If you’ve ever baked bread, odds are you’ve used their yeast.) After that, I spent the remaining summers as a research tech on mudflats. That job came with some very strange tasks.
Q: “Do you stay in touch with high school friends?”
Just one. We were in each other’s weddings and try to reconnect every few years. Not being on social media definitely limits those long-term, casual connections. I do sometimes feel a pang of envy when people say they’re still best friends with their kindergarten buddy — I don’t have any relationships that go back that far. But I’ve made peace with that and focus on nurturing the friendships I have now.
Q: “What expectations do you have for your kids?” – Coco
This one’s tricky. I try not to set rigid expectations, but I do have hopes.
Academically, I just ask that they do their best. I’m not a parent who obsesses over test results or micromanages homework. Both of my kids are capable, but neither is particularly driven — and that’s okay. Childhood isn’t a race. I know firsthand how striving for perfection can backfire.
I think soft skills can be just as important as academic ones. We encourage development of life skills — cooking, cleaning, managing money, time, travel. I also want them to be comfortable interacting with people of all ages, cultures, and abilities. These are the things I believe set you up for a well-rounded life.
I want my kids to reach their potential — but not feel like they have to exceed it just to keep up with others. I don’t want them defined by grades or bank accounts!
That said, I DO wish they cared a bit more about academic excellence and I wonder if I’m letting them down by being so relaxed about it all??? (Am I letting them down by being so relaxed about it all???)
Every single day before the kids leave for school I tell them five things: Be kind. Be safe. Be neat. Have fun. I love you.
That about sums it up. (We’re still working on the neat part…)
Q. I’ve never had children. How do chores work in your house? Do you pay them for chores? Give them an allowance? How do you decide who does what chore? Are you trying to teach your daughter and your son the same life skills? – Engie
Great questions. We do not pay our kids for regular chores, though we occasionally offer money for extras. (Belle recently earned $3 for clearing sticks and stones off the paving stone pad.)
I look at regular chores as part of contributing to our home.
Here’s a snapshot:
- Belle does her own laundry, empties the dishwasher most days, and cleans the shared bathroom.
- Indy handles the garbage and recycling and organizes the entryway daily.
- Both kids clean their rooms when asked and often help with impromptu tasks — schlepping laundry up/down the stairs, tidying the pantry, vacuuming, etc.
Allowance:
They start at age 10 with $10/month — $7 to spend, $2 for long-term savings, and $1 for charity. Each year it goes up by a dollar until 14, when it jumps to $50:
- $35 spending
- $10 long-term savings
- $5 charitable donation
Belle has started covering more personal costs — birthday gifts beyond the budgeted amount we contribute, ice cream out with friends after track and field, etc.
I want both kids to become responsible, capable, independent adults. I try not to treat their skill sets differently (at least not intentionally), though I suspect their interests will naturally diverge. For example, car maintenance will almost certainly appeal more to Indy than to Belle. But they’ll both know how to cook, clean, do laundry, make a bed, and speak confidently with adults.
Or such is the hope!
Your turn.
- What did your parents do that shaped your approach to parenting, or influenced what you decided not to do?
- How do you define success for your kids? Has that changed since you were their age?
- What do you hope your kids remember most about their childhood?
- What’s one life skill you’re really glad you learned early — and one you wish you had?
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K @ TS
I don’t think you are messing anything up by being too relaxed. I think that (a) sometimes if you are too strict, they will go the opposite way just to rebel and (b) I have met them and they are wonderful and thoughtful and smart. There is more to life than grades, although I do think a college degree, regardless of what it is in, can take you far.
There are so many things that my parents did/didn’t do that influenced the way that I am, and some of them I am only realizing later in life. My Dad had a workshop and although he has a lot of crap, he has a place for everything and could tell you where to go and get it if you needed it, even if it seemingly was not organized. However, he is very organized. My Mom is not organized in the same kind of type A way, but she knows where everything is and likes her routines (do these things sound familiar!?!). On the other hand, my parents had their own business and because of this, we were often late, and I now am fairly rigid about being on time. I am also more rigid about cleanliness or tidiness, although I think that I never cleaned my baseboards the entire time I lived in my house, so there are some things that I don’t care so much about. I could list about a million more things but there are a few!
Elisabeth
As the only regular blog commentor who has actually met my kids, your kind words gave me lots of warm fuzzies. You’re right – the kids are wonderful and thoughtful and smart. We have done our best and what more can we do?
I know how you feel about being late. As you know, I tend toward the arrive “right on time” now that I have kids. Earlier in my life, I was ALWAYS early. My dad considers himself late if he doesn’t have at least a 15-minute buffer before something is about to start.
Tobia | craftaliciousme
Did you read my mind? “I’ve always been introverted — until I feel comfortable. Then I’m loud and animated and tend to naturally assume leadership roles.” This is me but I was never able to articulate it in this way. I often come across as extroverted when people know me but throw me in a networking event and I hide in the corner. Or any new environment. It’s draining my energy so fast.
Not having kids and only other parents to compare too (and I obviously only see parts of the picture) I think you are doing a great job raising yours. I especially love how you have set up the allowance. I have never heard of anyone doing it this way. But what a great way to teach. I love it and will mention it to any friend who wants or may not want advice. HA!
Elisabeth
I think a lot of introverts are this way! I also feel like introverts (like myself) are often seen as aloof or snooty, when really I just prefer to not talk in big groups. Parties are my worst nightmare. Give me one-on-one ANY day, or if it’s a group I want to be close to everyone. Making small talk with strangers drains me of every ounce of energy in my body.
Every family has unique dynamics, but for our kiddos I’ve been THRILLED with how our allowance system has worked.
mbmom11
This is very interesting! You do have a strong bond with your parents. I don’t know if I’ve ever thought so thoroughly about these things( that’s why you are the writer and the blogger and I’m not!)
My parents provided a good, stable home, and encouraged us to do a good job regardless of the task ( sometimes you have to do boring/messy jobs ) and to try our best. They let us try new things if possible. They were older parents by the time I came around, so I’m a bit conservative and old fashioned. We would watch Lawrence Welk with them. If we did something stupid, they would not get mad but deal fairly with the offender. I wish I could parent more like them.
I’m having a lot of mixed emotions about my parenting right now, but I think we’ve taught our kids to have a good work ethic. I hope my kids remember that we love them and that they did have fun when they were younger- it wasn’t all academic grind and chores.
Your kids are very lucky to have you as a parent ,Elisabeth!
No music with drums- really? What was wrong with drums? I couldn’t watch MTV until late teens because of the innuendo in the videos.
Elisabeth
Having a good work ethic is such a fundamental life skill. It’s hard to “teach” but it can be encouraged and modelled and we try to do that with our kids.
My parents never got angry (I can’t say the same is true for me). They were firm, but very forgiving and I never felt like they were upset with ME, they were just disappointed in a behaviour. There is a big difference.
Ditto – I hope my kids remember the love and fun and laughter in our household and also appreciate the life skills they learned along with all the adventures we created for them.
There is nothing wrong with drums (IMO) – to my parents it was synonymous with “worldly” music. It has taken me a looong time to get to a point where I can embrace drums in a worship context. I would say we have a fairly “tame” worship style where we attend church, but it is wayyyy too much for my parents and they attend a different church when they relocate nearby for the winter.
Catrina
I loved reading about your childhood! The way you describe growing up in a loving, safe home really stayed with me. It’s funny how, as kids, we take that sense of security for granted. Only as adults do we fully realise what a rare and wonderful gift it is.
I’m curious – did you end up going to South Korea to teach ESL? And did you eventually use your scholarship to study in Canada?
I was also raised in a Christian home – to this day, I still wouldn’t dream of wearing trousers to church, even though it’s totally normal now. At the time our lifestyle felt a bit rigid, but looking back, I’m grateful for that upbringing and the values it gave me.
One life skill I lucked into early: I grew up speaking both English and German. It’s such a gift to feel completely at home in both languages – and bonus, no accent in either! 😂
One skill I wish I’d picked up? A musical instrument. I really wish my parents had been a bit more insistent.
Elisabeth
I think as a kid not knowing “how good you’ve got it” is the sign of a stable, healthy home. I can look at my kids and get frustrated they don’t appreciate what they have (that so many other kids do not) but then I realize that is part of the gift. They assume other people have the same advantages and supports. Sadly, that’s not true 🙁
We did not go to South Korea. I did use my scholarship and completed a Master’s degree in Canada.
Funnily enough, I wore pants to church last Sunday because I was helping in the kids program. I can count on two hands the number of times I have worn pants to a church service in my entire life! I grew up HAVING to wear a dress/skirt, and I feel more comfortable in that attire on Sunday’s…but no longer feel like there is anything to be ashamed of if I wear pants to church. I firmly believe Jesus cares about the state of my heart, not if I’m wearing blue jeans.
Having a second language is such a benefit. I wish I spoke fluent French. And I am with you on the musical instrument. I started and hated piano and my parents let me drop it, but it’s one of my biggest regrets in life. I think I would LOVE to play the piano since music is such a big part of my life.
Nicole MacPherson
I really loved reading this, Elisabeth. I love learning about everyone’s childhood and youth. It’s fascinating to me how we are all shaped by our own individual experiences. I also completely understand how hard it is to watch your parents age. I see my parents only a few times a year now and wow, the changes are quite noticeable.
I will say, without oversharing – I’ll overshare when we can talk in a non-public sphere, you know me! – that I parent very differently from my own parents. I think they did the best that they knew how, but it wasn’t the way I wanted my children to be brought up.
I want my kids to be employed and happy with their life choices. So far, so good!
I did a lot of fun things with the kids when they were little and they do remember it, they will mention it every once in a while.
Elisabeth
How we were raised can inform a lot about how we want to parent our own children!
It brings me so much joy when they kids get nostalgic about things we did when they were younger. Also, my photobooks = photographic evidence of everything. I feel vindicated if they complain because I can point to a stack of books full of fun adventures and I like to hope those are the things that will rise to the top of their memory when they’re older, not that I’m “ruining Belle’s life” by making her wear a winter coat when it’s 0C outside.
Rebecca Jo
That your parents have been in love all those years… that is just so special & beautiful.
Also – just seeing your dad is reader already tells me so much about him. I feel like readers just have a different sort of intelligence & empathy.
What a beautiful post.
Elisabeth
It is such a blessing to have a stable, loving home. I sincerely wish I could give everyone that same launch point into the world.
My dad is NOT empathetic, but he is an absolutely voracious reader and I inherited that tendency 😉
Katy @PracticalWalk
Answering your last question:
– My parents really worked with is to learn to speak to adults at a young age. I appreciate that.
– While my mom did work with me some to teach me to cook, I wish I had done it a lot more and been more comfortable in the kitchen before leaving home.
You’re parents sound lovely! I want to meet them now!
Elisabeth
I think that being involved in a church community helps with kids being comfortable with adults. There is so much serving alongside people of different age groups. I grew up engaging with seniors and it came so naturally to me.
They really are lovely. And I appreciate what they did/how they raised us more and more the older I get (and the better I recognize how difficult it is to be an engaged, loving, patient parent).
Colleen Martin
This was so interesting to read! We have lots in common – traditional, conservative upbringing with older parents. We were taught to save and work hard and I would say we pushed ourselves academically, our parents didn’t do that but they did emphasize how important being educated was. I have a great relationship with my parents still, and definitely try and parent like the way I was raised with a couple exceptions. If it ain’t broke, why fix it, ya know? They raised six people whom I love!
Elisabeth
I feel like our parents are very similar!
My parents wanted us to do our best in school and I think they realized our best would be…pretty good. But I was self-motivated to achieve academically and I don’t feel like my own kids necessarily are. We shall see when they get older!
Birchie
This is so interesting. It sounds like because of the age gap, you basically grew up as an only child. Yep, being home schooled in a class of one…does not sound fun.
It’s so fun to watch the kids grow up. I used to joke that my only requirement for the boys was that they learn to drive stick. 1/2 complete, and since #1 now drives my old car. But seriously, our job was to make sure that they had everything that they needed and to support their dreams.
Elisabeth
I can drive manual in a pinch, but I sure prefer not to. Plus, we live in a town of hills and – gah. Driving stick with all sorts of stop signs at the top of hills. The thing of nightmares for me!
“But seriously, our job was to make sure that they had everything that they needed and to support their dreams.” I think this is so wise. I want to help the kids lay a foundation to do just about anything that strikes their fancy. What sort of house they choose to build is up to them, but it’s our job to help them pour the concrete.
Jenny
First of all- you look so much like your mom when she was younger!!! And, you were valedictorian! So was Engie! I’m learning all these fun things about you guys.
Your parents sound wonderful. It’s interesting to look back on our childhoods and see the things our parents did, while having the best of intentions, that probably weren’t the best choices. As you said, they were doing the best they could with what they knew at the time. And as you also pointed out, our kids will probably have their own criticisms of us!
I also worry that my approach to academics is too relaxed. It worked out with my son, because he was very self motivated (not actually with his academics, but with music, and he realized he couldn’t get into the colleges he wanted with bad grades, so he pushed himself). I’m not sure it’s working with my daughter. She doesn’t have that same motivation and it shows. It’s just not my style to nag and harass, punish for bad grades and reward for good ones. I’m wondering if I’ll regret that down the line.
To answer your last question specifically- I wish I had learned better social skills growing up. My mom was a naturally outgoing and friendly person so it probably never occurred to her that it was something that had to be “taught.” And my dad had TERRIBLE social skills, so there was nothing to learn from him. I spent some very rocky years as a young adult, learning how to navigate through the world.
Elisabeth
To knock myself down a few notches, I was in a graduating class of 35 so my odds were pretty good. (I was second in my graduating class in university which was a bit more impressive.)
I KNOW my kids will have criticisms. Ha. I will have my comeuppance when they’re parenting their own kids and discover it’s perhaps not quite as easy as they thought it was 😉
I feel like so much of “success” is who you know, not what you know. Also, personality. And interest level. I feel like some kids are genuinely not interested in mainstream subjects and trying to force them to fit into that mold backfires. But they’d be inspired artists or computer geeks (so many actors/actresses/famous people were dropouts). It’s hard to juggle the balance of it all. And I know your daughter is a VERY good musician, so it feels like she has a great work ethic for what matters most to her. I knew someone in university who was brilliant and applied and got into medical school but his personality was like talking to a depressed door knob. I always wondered what became of him because he bedside manner would NOT have been good, despite his great grades.
Ally Bean
Great getting to know more about you. Ditto: “I rebelled, but subtly. Quiet resistance more than open defiance.” Birds of a teenage feather, we are. Perhaps the result of older conservative parents?
What’s one life skill you’re really glad you learned early — and one you wish you had? I learned how to tell a story early on and that is a life skill. Wish I’d learned that not everyone you meet will be your friend. That took me a while to comprehend.
Elisabeth
“Wish I’d learned that not everyone you meet will be your friend. That took me a while to comprehend.”
You know I’ve been learning that lesson, too. It is a huge lesson and sometimes painful but I am so glad I’m coming to understand that I’m a mango…and not everyone likes mango!
Bijoux
What a loving family that you grew up within. Thank you for sharing so many special memories. My parents (mother, mostly) were conservative Christian parents, but appearance was not really restricted besides having to wear a dress to church on Sunday mornings. My mother restricted my activities, not allowing me to do normal childhood things like invite friends over to play or hang out. And rock music and alcohol were completely forbidden. Hence, I’m a music junkie and I love my wine and champagne now 🙂
I did not receive much affection growing up, so I lavished it on my children (and still do, even though they are now in their early 30’s). I was also much more relaxed about most things, though I’m sure my kids would claim otherwise.
Life skills I learned in Girl Scouts and 4-H were things like cooking, sewing, and gardening. I wish I had learned to swim well and things like ice skating/roller skating.
Elisabeth
Yes, I basically only listen to music that would horrify my parents, now!
My mother is definitely affectionate (my father is in his own way, he’s just very reserved and even-keeled). She was strict and very pragmatic, but I never doubted she loved me and cared. It was a good balance. I do remember she was always very dismissive if I was sick, though (not in a mean way, but as a seasoned mom not about to get hoodwinked) and I was SO jealous of kid’s whose mother’s would take their temperature and let them stay home with the littlest sniffle.
Katie
What a lovely tribute to your parents, and such a blessing that they have never intruded on your decisions as an adult! The checked shirt makes me smile– my dad wore the same khakis, boat shoes, and checkered shirts my whole life, and it didn’t occur to me until he passed at what a comfort that was. Your parents cabin looks lovely!
I was a great student but floundered in the real world. I didn’t have a lot of soft skills coming out of school even though I achieved a lot in school. I wish I had more technical skills, like changing a tire, mowing the lawn (gahhhh I’ve never mowed the lawn!!!). I DO have a ton of skills in the kitchen because my mom never cared and let me have free reign to make/do whatever in there as a kid.
Elisabeth
My dad has a uniform and it is HILARIOUS and we make fun of him endlessly and it is now so endearing none of us would have it any other way.
I’ve mowed a lawn. It’s over-rated!
Michelle G.
Elisabeth, what a wonderful, heartwarming post! I enjoyed reading about your parents and your childhood. It is a blessing to have parents who love each other, and a blessing to have a good child/parent relationship with them throughout your whole lives. I have that with my parents too, and I’m so grateful for it. I know it’s not always like that for people. I’m also so sad about my parents getting older. I just can’t bear the thought of a world without them in it. I’ve said it before, but I think your dad is so cool to audit classes and that he likes to read the end of the book first! And how nice to see pictures of your mom. Thank you for this lovely, uplifting post!
Elisabeth
It warms my heart to see my parents still engaged with things that stimulate them intellectually. My mom does a lot of volunteering, plays piano, cooks/bakes and my dad takes classes and works on outside projects at their home in the spring/summer/fall.
It is hard to watch people you love get older 🙁
Ernie
I so enjoyed this post. It is fascinating to learn about a friend’s background and upbringing.
I feel like my parents are so similar to yours – I could’ve written Colleen’s comment as my parents gave me a strong faith. They were conservative, so pretty strict but I managed. I always knew that they loved me and I do think they did the best they could . . . but I found one aspect of my upbringing very challenging. It has been hard to shake/move past, because the issue continues into adulthood. My parents had very clear favorites. My brother, who is less than a year younger than me, did on wrong. I literally cannot recall him ever being corrected, and I have a very good memory. He was a talented athlete and musician and an academic super star. Meanwhile, I did very few things right. I was glossed over most of the time. I wanted music lessons too, but they decided my younger brother (the kid they’d selected to be the musician) could just teach me to save them money. Needless to say, that went over like a led balloon. My brother made fun of me ALL THE TIME and my parents didn’t ask him to stop. They laughed with him. It was brutal. I was a good student, but my parents (particularly my dad) only praised the academic genius types. I have an older sister who fell into this category. This is still the case with grandchildren. It boils my blood. So, as a parent – I do my best to celebrate each of my kids/enjoy time with all of them. They’re all so different, and they all have their strengths/talents. Grades have never been a big deal to us, so long as the kids are trying and not shirking homework/studying. My parents steered girls to do the domestic chores. My brothers never changed the laundry or loaded a dish in the dishwasher. That’s not the way it is in Chez Shenanigan. No sirreee.
I wish I’d learned how to cook before leaving home. I took a sewing class when I was expecting Lad. That’s a skill I’ve used a ton.
I hope that my kids remember the fun we had when they were younger. I happen to know that they do. They talk regularly about how grateful they are that I stayed home with them when they were younger, and that we did fun things.
If my kids are happy with their life and the choices they’ve made in terms of jobs and college majors and friends, then I will consider them successful.
Elisabeth
I cannot sew to save my life…my mother is excellent at handwork, but I never had any interest and I do wish I was a bit more competent. Gold stars to you for taking a class later in life!!
Oof. It is hard to NOT play favourites and hard to be the one who is NOT the favourite. I’m sorry, Ernie. I can see why that hurt so much growing up and still impacts you today. I’m glad you’ve been able to identify that shortcoming and correct it with your own kids. Sometimes it does take having to endure some of those things to realize how damaging it can be and course correct with our own kids.
You’ve also hit on the distinction between academic and athletic “success” and other things that tend to be genetic and out of a child’s control but can be weaponized by parents.
Alexandra
Just like my own parents, I love how you are also prioritising life skills just as much as academic work without the pressure to perform. If only more parents put as much effort into making sure their kids have a balanced life, I’m sure we, as a society would benefit more.
That’s not to say my parents were perfect. But they did teach us self reliance along with how to cook, clean, knit, fix things and, with my dad, build things. All sorts of things. I just wish, academically, I was better at languages, but, for my sins, was proficient enough to make a 26 year career out of the English language in the print and publish trade.
Elisabeth
I think it’s VERY hard to parent, especially when both parents are working full time which is the norm these days. I know there are lots of hours in the day, yada, yada but the simple fact is that most parents simply don’t have the combination of time, inclination, and resources to pour quantity time into their kiddos. I’d argue most “successful” working parents who have very “engaged, well-rounded” kids have significant financial resources behind them. They can outsource life admin to someone else so after work they can do all sorts of enriching things with their kids.
All that as a roundabout way of saying I know my kids have a certain level of access to this life skills training because of my socio-economic privilege, the fact I work part-time from home, and the fact we live in Canada. I’m sure many parents would love to be able to put more time into parenting, but simply can’t due to factors beyond their control.
My kids are so fortunate, as was I. Wish I could give all kids the same “leg up” in life.
Alexandra
So true, I wish all kids could have the same breaks. The sad fact of the matter is, they don’t. Life is hard in many laces and for so many due to as you say, war and economic circumstances. Those os us lucky enough to be born in the west to people who care, have a leg up on so many. But I also believe community makes a difference too, but sad to say, that concept lost it’s footing sometime at the start of the 80s and has long since died a death in the West, more so than elsewhere.
Elisabeth
Yes! Through no merit of my own, I have had so many things “going for me” in life. I think the best we can do with the privilege (it’s not earned but it IS ours) is to appreciate it and try to radiate that privilege outward. I hope by raising competent kids, they’ll be able to lead effectively and with wisdom, etc and help influence the lives of those who might be less fortunate in positive ways!
But for now, I just appreciate when they pick up their room in the morning 😉
NGS
Family dynamics were complicated in my house. My older sister was painfully shy, so I was always the person who had to speak for her (and me). I learned how to talk with adults and that has been a good skill for me to have. I don’t worry about asking questions or making phone calls as an adult and I know that’s because I did so much of it from a young age.
I wish my parents had taught me more independence, though. They sheltered me a lot (not allowing me to do a lot of things with friends/not going to events if they didn’t know the chaperones, etc.). What this meant was that they basically dropped me off at college in another state and I had never been somewhere without someone else knowing exactly what I was doing. I was pretty paralyzed and nervous. It seemed like my parents didn’t trust me to make good decisions and then all of a sudden I had to make all the decisions. I muddled along, but that transition could have been smoother. Oh, well. They didn’t know and I didn’t know and it all worked out, right?
Elisabeth
Hindsight is always 20/20. As kids, we have a limited sphere of freedom and sometimes that can have tangible impacts on our future trajectory and story. You are a strong woman, Engie, and I’m so glad everything worked out. That said, it sounds VERY stressful to have to proverbially jump into the deep end of adulting after being so sheltered. Gold stars for persevering, and I bet that’s one reason why you are such a great academic advisor, now being able to relate to similar challenges if students you work with have faced similar overwhelming transitions.
Central Calif. Artist Jana
Such an interesting post! I have nothing to say about parenting since I’m not a parent, but it appears that your children are very content, confident, polite, curious, well-provided for, and being raised with great values.
My parents weren’t quite as strict as yours, but close. I might be the only woman who always wears a dress or skirt to church, but it isn’t legalism—I like dresses and skirts and it seems a bit more respectful, but I am NOT judging how other people translate the word “respectful”.
My main take-away was IS THAT THE PUBLIC SCHOOL?? What a stately classic building!!
Other thoughts:
1. Your parents were babies when they got married!
2. You have had some very interesting jobs.
3. I am very impressed by your pursuit (and completion) of higher education.
4. Two healthy parents still married to each other. . . what a blessing.
Elisabeth
I aim for all those things you list. Not sure if content is always accurate with the teenager, but such is the stage of life.
YES! “I might be the only woman who always wears a dress or skirt to church, but it isn’t legalism—I like dresses and skirts and it seems a bit more respectful, but I am NOT judging how other people translate the word “respectful”.” This is me. There are lots of people who wear dresses at my church but it’s clearly NOT about legalism but about enjoying them (and the same women will often wear pants as well). I feel more respectful and reverent and worshipful so I wear dresses but I don’t think it has anything to do with the level of my faith.
That is NOT a public school. We walk by a university.
My parents were young when they got married, but my Mom was actually MY age when she had me. And I was a BABY when I had Belle. Just 23. Which was a lot to handle at the time, but it also means I’ll be a fairly young mother when she leaves the roost.
Central Calif. Artist Jana
OH! That makes sense about the university.
If I’m doing the math right, your mom was 10 when she married!! Thirteen years between you and your oldest sibling, she had you when she was 23. Hmmm. . . This is exactly the sort of thing I do when I read a novel, and then I wonder if the editor was asleep at the wheel, and then I realize this is why I am a good editor, which leads me to wonder if I should have gone that route instead of art, but then I’d wish I had pursued art because editors had to live in cities in the pre-www world when I was starting out. . . Yikes. Sorry. No more caffeine for me today!
Elisabeth
Oops. Sorry for the confusion. Nope she had me when she was 38 (I turn 38 next week) and I was married when I was 22 and had Belle by the time I was 23. I was REALLY a baby. Also, I can’t imagine having a baby at 38. Goodness, I’m exhausted just thinking about it. But I also feel like the adjustment might not be quite as overwhelming? I am NOT going to test that theory out. My years with little kiddos is in my rear-view mirror.
Sara
You look exactly like your mom when she was younger–that wedding day photo of her was you minus the glasses!
I loved this post.
Solo mothering kids from hard places has really taught me what I am willing to fight about. I’m willing to insist on kindness and respect of all people, but I don’t force the homework or the nightly reading practice–and honestly, sometimes I’m pretty lax about being on time. WHICH IS NOT WHO I AM. And. My kids need a little bit more time and space and consideration, and I’m not willing to strain our fragile attempts at healing attachment to be clouded by sight words or a ticking clock. Maybe that makes me shortsighted or maybe it’s just survival, but I really do feel like it serves our relationship. Besides–who needs nightly homework in Kindergarten anyway!?
Elisabeth
I look SO MUCH like my mom and have been told that dozens of times. (I also look a lot like my sister’s too!)
You come at parenting from such a unique, challenging, and incredible position, Sara. I am in awe of how God is using you in the lives of these two sweet boys. I basically think there shouldn’t be any homework until high school. I’m sure teachers out there would disagree, but I’m thankful that our school district basically allows enough time to do most things at school. Life is short, and childhood is even shorter and I think there is so much to learn and experience that can easily be lost by all their spare time going toward homework or intense extracurriculars. I know it depends on the kid, too. Some people love homework and learning, but I know too much of that would be absolutely miserable for my two kiddos who mostly want to be outside with friends.
coco
I really enjoy learning about your parents and your childhood Elizabeth, somehow it makes sense to who you are now. As I read it, i wish my girls one day can remember me that way. What I am learning more over the years is that our parents, the environment that we grow up with, really shapes who we are, regardless we are aware of it or not. This makes marriage so interesting and challenging as the time as two people could have such different habits and ways of doing things that came from their childhood. Thanks for answering my question. I know it’s tricky question as I have no answer, or at least fully convinced answer yet. I am leaning more toward your view while still doubting if I am too lenient with Lizzy (Sofia is very responsible and driven). I’ve definitely changed my view around that over the years, and as they grow up. I want to prepara them well for the future for the adventure they choose to do or stump upon, yet I want to enjoy them and show them to choose the right path (not fame, not money, but fulfilment and contribution to the world and people around us). So hard to find the right balance right?
Elisabeth
I think SO much changes between the first child and second. I think expectations mellow. Generally, the oldest child is more dominant and driven and the second is far more laid back. I suspect that has more to do with tweaks to parenting style. I had a bit of an unusual situation because I was so much younger than my closest sibling so I almost felt like the oldest in a way since I was practically an only child home alone for a long time.
Suz
I love this insight into your childhood and how your parents Parented you. There’s no way we can’t take away from our childhood and use it OR not into our parenting.
Your childhood does sound so lovely, so idyllic. I mean, nothing is perfect, but you know you’re fortunate. Having parents who love and respect each other is HUGE for making one feel safe, stable. That is something I didn’t have: Stability. And it was the major driving force of my parenting with my girls. Did I go overboard here and there trying to make everything ‘perfect’? Of course, and I do have some regrets, but if you ask my grown daughters, they had a lovely childhood. (I’m so thankful for the good reviews!)
I don’t think you’re being too relaxed with education and I do love your chore system for the kids; they have responsibilities, but also plenty of time for fun, friends and rest.
Elisabeth
Ha! “I’m so thankful for the good reviews.”
As kids we have so little control over our environment and I think challenging dynamics in our past can play a huge role in one’s determination to do things differently. We can respect that our parents did they best they could (hopefully, obviously not always), while choosing a very different path for our own family.
Alexandra
“I just appreciate when they pick up their room in the morning … ” so true! 😉
J
We had a similar set up for allowance and chores. Our daughter had to do chores and was not paid for them, because she lives her and needs to contribute. She could earn money by doing extra tasks, but not her every day ones. Allowance, she got $5 a week when she was little…$3 to spend, $1 to save, $1 for charity. When she got older we increased it, but not a ton, because she didn’t really need much. I wish I could say it has instilled a saving ethic for her, but she’s not a good saver. She does donate every month to an elephant rescue, so that stuck at least.
When I was a kid there were two of us, and our chores rotated. One of us was on kitchen duty, the other on bathroom and living room duty. It switched every week until we realized that my brother hated cleaning the kitchen and I hated cleaning the bathrooms, and then we stopped switching.
My BIL is great at teaching his kids about car maintenance. He taught his daughter to change a tire, change the oil, probably other things I don’t understand. Now their other child is older and is learning these things too. We never taught our daughter anything much about car maintenance other than how to check the oil or fill the reservoir for the washer fluid, because that’s all we know how to do, and we live in a condo complex with a parking lot, so there really isn’t a good spot to mess with it.
Elisabeth
I don’t know how to check the oil OR the washer fluid. Which is rather appalling when I stop to think about it.
Stephany
This was fascinating, and may have inspired me to write about my own reflections on childhood/growing up/etc. I think we grew up similarly when it comes to growing up Christian and not being able to do certain things other kids around us could do. But then MUCH differently since I had a very toxic home life with my dad. But my mom worked so hard to make sure my brother and me had a safe and happy childhood in the midst of all of that, and considering the adults we are now, she did an excellent job.
I was the kind of kid who had to work really hard to get A’s and B’s, but my parents never pressured me to be the best. They just wanted me to try hard and if that landed me on Honor Roll, awesome. If not, no biggie. They weren’t going to berate me for getting a C, especially if it was in a really hard class. And I think that’s the way to go. Putting pressure on kids to get the best grades just leads to adults with anxiety, haha. Instead, being proud of them for trying their best and making sure they are learning life skills OTHER than school-based ones is a great thing.
You are a good mom, Elisabeth, if you haven’t heard that enough!
Elisabeth
I am blushing, Stephany <3 Thanks for such kind words. I do my best for my kids and that's all I can ask of myself; ditto them. We're all unique people and we have things that irk us or drive us in unique ways. It's a balancing act to try to stay true to yourself as a mom and human while also showing your kids grace and love and helping set the stage for them to blossom into their own people. I think about them more and more as adults now. When they're toddlers you're trying to keep them from putting forks into outlets or helping them get to sleep for naps. And now I'm staring at the future and realizing these "kids" in my house are the next generation!
I think I have a very similar approach. I appreciate when my kids do well in school because I know they have the capacity to do so, but it's not a driving force and I commend them on their work regardless of the outcome (always encouraging them to just "do their best").
I know you have had to deal with a lot of things kids shouldn't have to deal with in a familial relationship. What a testament to your mom who has loved you so deeply. I'm sorry you have had a difficult relationship with your dad.