You Asked, I Answered: Chores, Choices, and My Childhood

When I asked for blog topic ideas recently, many of you mentioned parenting — both my relationship with my own parents and how we raise Belle and Indy.

Here goes…

Q: “You seem to have a close relationship with your parents, and I’d be curious what you attribute that to and how you’ve navigated changing dynamics together (marriage, kids, aging, etc.)?” – Katie

First, I want to acknowledge how fortunate I am. I had (and still have!) loving, involved parents. We don’t get to choose our families, and I know that for every safe, supportive home like mine, there are heartbreaking alternatives.

I’m the youngest of four siblings — by a long shot. My closest sibling is eight years older; my oldest, thirteen. So, for a chunk of my childhood, I was for all intents and purposes an only child.

My parents saw their primary role as pointing us to Jesus. They were grounded, salt-of-the-earth people. While they held strong convictions, they led with love. They supported us unconditionally. They were conservative and sometimes strict, but also adventurous and prioritized spending time with us in nature. Camping trips and hikes through the woods in the summer, cross-country skiing and skating in the winter were the norm. We had lots of freedom to roam. They valued education and effort, but I never felt pressure to meet unrealistic expectations.

When I finished my undergraduate degree, I received a scholarship to complete a PhD in New Zealand. Around the same time, I met John and considered turning it down to move to South Korea so I could teach ESL with him. Dad’s mantra was always “Education is easy to carry around.” Meaning, once you have it, it’s yours for life. While they didn’t outright forbid me from turning down the opportunity, it was apparent they felt strongly I should get an additional degree. In the end, I found a way to adapt the scholarship to something I could use within Canada…and that was the last time I made a big life decision relying heavily on their insight.

Since getting married, I’ve never felt any pressure from my parents (or John’s). They’ve gracefully and immediately shifted from coaches to cheerleaders. They’re there when we need advice, but they’re never intrusive. I can’t think of a single time we have been criticized for a decision, including how we’ve chosen to raise our own children.

Watching them age is difficult. It breaks my heart knowing I won’t have them forever. Both of my grandmothers were widowed in their thirties, so I never met either grandfather. One of my greatest joys is watching my children build memories with their grandparents — something I never had with my own grandfathers.

My parents are wonderful people. They did their best with what they had, and while they didn’t have very much money, they offered us their presence, attention, and love.

Mom listened to us. She learned all the details about our friendships, skipped rope in the yard, swam with us in the summer, and always had a batch of delicious homemade cookies on hand.

Dad took us on canoe trips, taught us how to build campfires, and instilled in me a love of reading that persists to this day. Funnily enough, when I went to pull photos, the first two I found included him canoeing and building a campfire!

Finally, and this is something over which a child has absolutely no control, but my parents have always been deeply in love with each other. They had different opinions (I inherited my mom’s fiery personality) but we knew they respected, loved, and trusted one another. That goes a long way in feeling safe and secure as a child. I recognize how deeply fortunate I am to have grown up in that sort of environment, and I’m so glad my own kids get to experience the same thing.

Now, I invest in our relationship by trying to spend lots of time with my parents when they sublet a house near us each winter. I went to class with my dad (he audits courses at a local university), we share meals together, and they come cheer on the kids at various events.

I’ve also gone to visit them alone a few times for a getaway from solo-parenting and we’ve made incredible memories together on each of those visits.

Q: “What were you like as a kid/teen/young adult?” – Ernie

I was a bit of a loner. I started out at a tiny, private church-based school. By the time I hit my tweens, all my siblings had moved out, and I was self-homeschooled — meaning I did all my coursework independently while my mom worked full-time. It was as much fun as it sounds and I absolutely hated it.

Later, we moved provinces and I switched to public school. It was a rocky transition, but I eventually found my stride. I did well academically, mostly because I was an independent learner. There were blessings buried in those homeschooling years!

I’ve always been introverted — until I feel comfortable. Then I’m loud and animated and tend to naturally assume leadership roles.

Q: “Were you a troublemaker? Studious? Did you push the envelope in high school?

I rebelled, but subtly. Quiet resistance more than open defiance. Once I realized I could “win” at academics, I became very driven. Homeschooling didn’t offer any competitive context, but in public school, I thrived on hard work and recognition and I ended up graduating with honours as the valedictorian. That said, I made plenty of poor choices — most without long-term consequences and (mostly) without my parents knowing. Still…I have regrets.

Q: “Did the way you were raised impact your parenting style?”

Absolutely. I’ve borrowed a lot from my parents and intentionally changed other things. My kids would probably be able to list plenty they’d tweak about my parenting, too.

I think I’m more like my parents than not.

Q: “Did your parents have strict rules that caused you to rebel?”

In a way. We weren’t given any spending money, and everything we earned went straight to university savings — literally every penny. I now understand the reasoning. My parents had very little financial security. But it also planted a deep fear of spending and a scarcity mindset that I still wrestle with today.

They were also very conservative Christians. I still share many of their values, but with hindsight, I realize that some of what was taught as “biblical truth” was really cultural preference — like not being allowed to wear pants, makeup, or earrings, listen to music with drums (even Christian music), or cut my hair. They have mellowed significantly over the years, but I now see the aforementioned as stylistic choices.

Q: “What was your most unusual job?”

I didn’t have many formal jobs in high school and we lived in an extremely rural area. I babysat. I worked the cash register in the school cafeteria in exchange for free lunches.

After my first year of university, I worked at the Biotechnology Research Institute in Montreal, prepping yeast samples for a company called Lallemand. (If you’ve ever baked bread, odds are you’ve used their yeast.) After that, I spent the remaining summers as a research tech on mudflats. That job came with some very strange tasks.

Q: “Do you stay in touch with high school friends?”

Just one. We were in each other’s weddings and try to reconnect every few years. Not being on social media definitely limits those long-term, casual connections. I do sometimes feel a pang of envy when people say they’re still best friends with their kindergarten buddy — I don’t have any relationships that go back that far. But I’ve made peace with that and focus on nurturing the friendships I have now.

Q: “What expectations do you have for your kids?” – Coco

This one’s tricky. I try not to set rigid expectations, but I do have hopes.

Academically, I just ask that they do their best. I’m not a parent who obsesses over test results or micromanages homework. Both of my kids are capable, but neither is particularly driven — and that’s okay. Childhood isn’t a race. I know firsthand how striving for perfection can backfire.

I think soft skills can be just as important as academic ones. We encourage development of life skills — cooking, cleaning, managing money, time, travel. I also want them to be comfortable interacting with people of all ages, cultures, and abilities. These are the things I believe set you up for a well-rounded life.

I want my kids to reach their potential — but not feel like they have to exceed it just to keep up with others. I don’t want them defined by grades or bank accounts!

That said, I DO wish they cared a bit more about academic excellence and I wonder if I’m letting them down by being so relaxed about it all??? (Am I letting them down by being so relaxed about it all???)

Every single day before the kids leave for school I tell them five things: Be kind. Be safe. Be neat. Have fun. I love you.

That about sums it up. (We’re still working on the neat part…)

Q. I’ve never had children. How do chores work in your house? Do you pay them for chores? Give them an allowance? How do you decide who does what chore? Are you trying to teach your daughter and your son the same life skills? – Engie

Great questions. We do not pay our kids for regular chores, though we occasionally offer money for extras. (Belle recently earned $3 for clearing sticks and stones off the paving stone pad.)

I look at regular chores as part of contributing to our home.

Here’s a snapshot:

• Belle does her own laundry, empties the dishwasher most days, and cleans the shared bathroom.
• Indy handles the garbage and recycling and organizes the entryway daily.
• Both kids clean their rooms when asked and often help with impromptu tasks — schlepping laundry up/down the stairs, tidying the pantry, vacuuming, etc.

Allowance:
They start at age 10 with $10/month — $7 to spend, $2 for long-term savings, and $1 for charity. Each year it goes up by a dollar until 14, when it jumps to $50:

• $35 spending
• $10 long-term savings
• $5 charitable donation

Belle has started covering more personal costs — birthday gifts beyond the budgeted amount we contribute, ice cream out with friends after track and field, etc.

I want both kids to become responsible, capable, independent adults. I try not to treat their skill sets differently (at least not intentionally), though I suspect their interests will naturally diverge. For example, car maintenance will almost certainly appeal more to Indy than to Belle. But they’ll both know how to cook, clean, do laundry, make a bed, and speak confidently with adults.

Or such is the hope!

Your turn.

• What did your parents do that shaped your approach to parenting, or influenced what you decided not to do?
• How do you define success for your kids? Has that changed since you were their age?
• What do you hope your kids remember most about their childhood?
• What’s one life skill you’re really glad you learned early — and one you wish you had?